


Hello? Journal? It's me, Frank.

by MizErie



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Diary/Journal, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Fictional Band, Frerard, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, my chemical romance - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-21
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2017-11-08 06:23:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 65
Words: 85,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/440122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizErie/pseuds/MizErie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>This story is played out via the journal entries Frank writes. You learn about his life, his parents, his different relationships, and ultimately about Frank himself. Watch our beloved Frank grow up through his journal entries. Watch him become a man and eventually start a serious relationship.</p><p>(Oh my god, this is the worse summary ever. Seriously, just read this. Frank talks to his journal like it's a person sometimes. And eventually there's plenty of Frerard awesomeness. And Frerard not-so-awesomeness. And Mikey and Alicia and family good times and of course, heartbreak at times. It wouldn't be one of mine if someone wasn't hurt, now would it?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. August 21, 1998

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yekith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yekith/gifts).



> Okay, so this is a new story I'm trying to get off the ground. I'm hoping everyone will enjoy it, as it's not a conventional story telling format. Please bear with me as I try to make this work! I hope you will continue reading past the first few chapters and fall in love with my new fic!Frankie!
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading, and feedback is truly appreciated!!
> 
> Hugs and Loves!!  
> Miz
> 
> Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with My Chemical Romance or the guys that make up the band. No part of this is true; it is purely a fictional story. Any part of this story that resembles real life is only coincidental. No parts of this story may be reproduced or used without permission.
> 
> (PS- The chapters/journal entries start off fairly short, but they will get longer! Happy reading!)

Dear Journal,  
  
I came out to my parents today. Well, I didn’t actually come out of my own doing. Mom caught me kissing Christian outside of the school. But I missed him over summer break, so I had to kiss him! Seriously, what the fuck was she doing there so early anyway? It really didn’t go over all that smoothly.  
  
At first she really didn’t say anything when I got into the car. After driving a few miles, she says, “Please tell me I didn’t see that, Frank.” At this point, I didn’t know what she had seen, so I was happy to oblige her request. If I had no clue what she was talking about, then I couldn’t tell her it was true, now could I? After a few moments of silence, she rages, “Why were you… you _kissing_ another boy?” She made it sound so vile and demeaning. “Who is _that boy_ , anyway?” God, Journal, if she even tried to show any interest in my life, she would know who "that boy" is!  
  
I just pulled my knees up to my chest in the seat and tried to sink through it. No such luck, of course. By the time we pulled into the drive, I was more than ready to lock myself in my room like I always do.  
  
Apparently Mom had other plans. She followed me to my room and demanded that I answer her questions. Just to get her out of my room, I mumbled he was my boyfriend. I should have known that if “kissing” was disgusting, then the word “boyfriend” coming out of my mouth was profanity. But it did the trick. Mom looked at me in disbelief for all of five seconds before she stormed out of my bedroom. But not before she took my cell phone.  
  
If her goal was to keep me from talking to Christian, she’s really not all that smart. I still have my computer. I can email with Christian all night.  
  
I wonder if I can just skip dinner tonight. Dad just called me down for it. I know this conversation isn’t over yet.  
  
I’ll be back, Journal.  
  
Well I’m back. Dinner was awkward, to say the least. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. No one yelled or anything. We pretty much just ate in tense silence. Up until I got up to put my plate in the sink. That’s when Dad stated I wasn’t allowed to see Christian anymore. Well, he called him “ _that boy_ ” like Mom did.  
  
But they can’t stop me. We have class together. We go to the same school. I just have to be more careful about it now.  
  
I’m going to bed now. Goodnight, Journal.


	2. September 30, 1998

Dear Journal,  
  
My life SUCKS! Mom snooped on my computer today while I was at school. Apparently she is more computer savvy than I gave her credit for. She didn’t say anything when she picked me up from school. I didn’t know something was going on until I got into my room to find a big gaping hole on my desk where my computer used to be.  
  
I stormed downstairs to demand my computer back. I quickly stopped dead in my tracks when I saw Dad sitting at the kitchen table with Mom. He shouldn’t have been home from work for another two and a half hours. I knew then something was wrong.  
  
As soon as Dad looked me in the eye, I could see his rage burning red in his eyes. But it was too late to sulk back up to my room. He had already seen me. Stuttering, I asked where my computer was. All I got in reply was Dad breathing really loudly. Finally Mom spoke up and told me that since I couldn’t be trusted to stay away from “ _that boy_ ” as I had been instructed to do, then I was going to be treated as such.  
  
Why can’t I date who I want to? I don’t like girls! Is that really so wrong, Journal? They’re so soft and delicate. And they have BOOBS! I don’t know what to do with boobs! I like the way Christian feels in my arms. I like that we have the same equipment, even though I have yet to put it to use.  
  
I’m pretty much under house arrest now. The word restriction is just too loose a term to describe my situation. I’m only allowed out to go to school. At least I still get to see Christian at school. Mom said they had talked to all my teachers and made it clear they were to keep us separated at school. But my teachers can’t watch me every second of the day. I’ll still get to be around him between classes and during lunch.  
  
They can’t stop me, Journal. They WON’T stop me. I’m gay! That’s all there is to it! Only one more year in this house. Only one more year until they can’t try to control me anymore. God, that’s one year too long, though.  
  
Journal, you think I could get emancipated? Yeah, me neither.


	3. October 16, 1998

Dear Journal,

Fuck my teachers! Fuck my parents! Just FUCK MY LIFE!

One of my dumbass teachers called my parents and told them I was still hanging out with Christian at school. Fifteen minutes before school let out for the day today, I was called to the office. When I walked in, Mom was sitting on the bench in the lobby. It was then that I was told I am being transferred to a new school, away from “ _that boy_ ”. On MONDAY!! They took all my school books and made me clean out my locker before school was dismissed. Then Mom drug me out of the school by my arm, like I was some child!

I’m sick of her calling Christian “ _that boy_ ”! He has a name! He treats me well! He’s understood all of my parents’ bullshit and dealt with it as best as I can imagine he could!

But wait… it gets worse. When we got home, there were moving vans in the driveway. Not only are they taking me out of my school and making me go to a new one, a fucking prep school at that, but they are uprooting the whole family just to move to someplace else?! I’ve never even heard of Belle-fucking-ville! Where in the hell is that even in? Is it still in New Jersey at least?

Now I have to leave all of my friends behind, and I’m not even allowed to tell them goodbye! Especially Christian!

They couldn’t have at least waited until after my birthday to ruin my life?! My birthday is less than two weeks away! Now I have to spend my birthday alone, in a new town, in a new school, with no friends! And I’m too old to go trick-or-treating Mom says. So, please, Journal, tell me what in the fuck I’m supposed to do for my birthday this year! Huh? Yeah, that’s what I thought: Nothing!

I HATE MY PARENTS! Why can’t they be accepting of their gay son like Christian’s parents are? FML!


	4. October 31, 1998

Dear Journal,

So it’s my birthday today. Mom and Dad tried to make it special. Too bad I’m still pissed at them. I miss Christian! I haven’t been able to talk to him since the move. My parents are still all over me about him; I doubt I’ll ever get to talk to him again! But moving on… Mom baked me a cake, and they bought me some presents. A few of them I actually wanted. Like Green Day’s “Nimrod” album and a new guitar. But my stupid parents don’t seem to understand that I need an amp to play the guitar. Thanks so much for half a gift! It means so much! NOT!

My new school sucks monkey balls! I have to wear this ridiculous uniform. I can’t stand it! It’s all dressy with a tie and dress shoes. Everyone looks the same. It’s a sea of navy fucking blue. And on Wednesdays, we have to wear a matching blazer with the school crest on it. Where did my parents dig this place up from? And why in the fuck did they choose here?

At least I can eat my lunch outside. Something… let’s call it interesting… happened yesterday. Some guy came and sat down with me at lunch yesterday like he knew me. I think he said his name was Mikey. Anyway, he had noticed my pins on my backpack and mentioned that he was into punk rock, too. Just because I didn’t want to be completely alone on my birthday, I indulged the guy in conversation. About halfway through the conversation, he started pulling at his tie. He growled, “God! I hate these damn uniforms!” I couldn’t help but giggle.

After talking about music for a while, some girl came up and sat down in his lap. Alicia, I think. Anyway, Mikey asked me if I had a girlfriend. I told him no, so he asked if he could hook me up with someone. I figured he didn’t know me from Adam and probably wouldn’t ever talk to me again anyway, so I told him I was gay. I expected him to get up and run away. I mean, this is a pretty up-tight school. To my surprise, Alicia poked Mikey’s shoulder and said he should introduce me to his brother, who apparently is also gay. Because it’s a rule that all of us gay people must like each other or something, obviously.

Anyway, Mikey told me his brother is “a hermit” that’s going to art school in New York somewhere. Apparently Mikey has been trying to start a conversation with me for a while because he seems to think me and his brother, whose name I didn’t catch, would get along “famously.” Exactly how long has this Mikey guy been following me that he knows enough about me to think I’d get along with his gay brother in college? Scary.

Mikey doesn’t sound too bad, though. He offered for me to come over to his place tonight to hang out for Halloween, especially when he found it’s my birthday. My parents are happy I made a new friend that has a girlfriend, so they said I could go. He should be here soon, so I better go get ready.

Bye, Journal.


	5. November 21, 1998

Dear Journal,

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Mikey and his girlfriend Alicia. My parents seem to like him. They keep making stupid remarks about how wonderful and straight he is. Well, they don’t really put it that way, but that’s what I hear.  Mom is forever making comments to both of them when they’re over about what a “cute couple” they are and how they are going to give their parents “some beautiful grandchildren someday” while giving me looks. If I was thinking about kids right now, Dad would knock some sense into me with his hand across my face! So why is Mom rambling on about Mikey and Alicia’s possibly-never-going-to-happen kids? They just need to accept that I’m gay and give up their hopes and dreams of grandkids! UGH! It’s never gonna happen!

Mikey’s family seems nice enough. They’re better than mine, anyway. Mrs. Way, Mikey’s mom, feeds me every time I come over. Apparently Mikey has as many friends as I do at that hellhole of a school: one, if you don’t count Alicia. I don’t know if Mikey has told them I’m gay or not, but Mr. Way seems to be very proud of his openly gay son. I mean, is it just my family that’s a bunch of homophobes?

Mikey and his brother, whose named I learned is Gerard, have always been really close, and Mikey misses him so much that he talks about the guy nonstop. I swear every other word out of his mouth is either Alicia or Gerard. While Alicia is nice and all, I don’t think she’s all that; after all, she is a girl, and yeah, I don’t do girls (haha, in more ways than one). But I’m sort of interested in meeting this Gerard. And, no, Journal, it’s not just because he’s gay too.

Besides, from what Mikey has been saying, Gerard’s not really looking for a new relationship right now. He just broke up with his boyfriend, Ray or Bob or something short like that. Apparently, Gerard and his boyfriend were rather serious. Somehow or another Gerard found out he was being cheated on, though. OUCH! That sucks! Anyway, so no, Journal, I only want to meet him because Mikey thinks so highly of him. And never shuts up about him.

Since we’ve moved out here to fucking nowhere Belleville, my grandparents can’t come for Thanksgiving next week. Or at least that’s the excuse my parent gave me. I’m really not all that upset about it. The Ways found out we weren’t doing anything for Thanksgiving and invited me to come over to their house to celebrate with them. Mrs. Way personally called Mom to ask her if it’d be okay, and Mom agreed. At least I don’t have to spend it around here alone all day. Plus, Mikey said his brother might be able to come home for it too. That means I’ll finally get to meet the elusive Way brother. I mean, with as much as Mikey talks about the guy, I feel like I already know him.

I’ll let you know how things go at Thanksgiving. Talk to you again soon, Journal.


	6. November 27, 1998

Dear Journal,  
  
I spent the night at the Way’s house last night. I’m just now getting to write down how it all went. Let me just tell you the whole story…  
  
At first it was just me, Mikey, Alicia, and his parents. As Mrs. Way started getting dinner close to being done, some of Mikey’s other family showed up, but no Gerard. I was almost disappointed, but I knew I’d eventually get to meet him. I was just enjoying being with such a loving family. It was nice, for a change.  
  
Halfway though eating, someone came crashing in the door, wrapped up like there were feet of snow on the ground. He quickly crossed the dining room, ruffling Mikey’s hair as he went, and kissed Mrs. Way on the check, apologizing for his lateness to dinner. She was fast to brush off his apology and told him to make a plate and find a seat around the table. Mikey finally informed me this was THE Gerard. The hermit, the artist, the someday-would-be-famous Way.  
  
He didn’t seem to be all that great to me so far. He didn’t say much. He kept his head down. He ate like he was starved to death. And he absolutely reeked of cigarette smoke.  
  
After dinner, Gerard thanked his mother for a “wonderful home-cooked meal” and quickly descended down a set of stairs I had yet to notice in the house. He lives in the basement? Anyway, I helped Mrs. Way clear the table while Mikey told Alicia goodnight. Then Mikey led me down the same dark stairs Gerard had gone down previously. It led to a dark, basement room with only one small window in it. It also reeked of cigarette smoke. The floor was covered in clothes and comic books. And seriously, Gerard has a HUGE collection of comic books. I’m jealous!  
  
Anyway, as soon as Gerard realized Mikey was in the room, the two embraced like, well, two brother that hadn’t seen each other for a while. Mikey then introduced me to him. Finally getting my first good look at the guy, he still didn’t seem all that impressive. He sort of looked me up and down out of the corners of his eyes and went back to whatever it was he was doing before we came in. Well, and he kept up a conversation with Mikey that I completely didn’t understand, like they were talking in code.  
  
While they were talking, I picked up a comic book off the floor to entertain myself with, but Gerard quickly jerked it away from me, grunting something about not touching his stuff. Whatever! Sorry!  
  
Mikey finally excused himself with something about being right back, and then he just left me there with his brother. The brother that didn’t seem to like me too much. Just about as soon as Mikey left, I decided it was time to go find him. As I stood up to leave, Gerard turned around and looked dead at me, freezing my feet to the floor.  
  
“Are you Mikey’s new gay friend?” I nodded, but only because I really couldn’t speak. He asked like I had some sort of disease. I mean, isn’t he gay too? Anyway, he pretty much dared me to try to “turn Mikey” and told me to keep my hands off his “lil bro.” He mumbled something else about Mikey and Alicia, but I didn’t understand what he said. Isn’t it hard to be a homosexual homophobe?! I mean, DAMN! And I have NO intentions of making a move on Mikey. He’s first my friend, and secondly not my type!  
  
Needless to say, I didn’t spend much more time with Gerard last night. I really didn’t see the appeal. Mikey was happy to be with me the rest of the night in his own room, which I was grateful for. He said Gerard would be home for the rest of the weekend, so he had plenty of time to catch up with him.  
  
But now I have a problem, Journal. How do I tell Mikey that I think his “perfect” brother is a jerk? I think I’ll just keep my only friend for now and keep my mouth shut. I mean, it’s not like the jerk is really around all that often.  
  
Bye for now, Journal.


	7. December 14, 1998

Dear Journal,  
  
Today starts the last week before “Winter Break.” C’mon, let’s call it what it really is; it’s CHRISTMAS break! Anyway, things are going okay, I guess. I’ve pretty much spent all my time hanging out with Mikey and Alicia lately. I tend to spend more time at Mikey’s house than I do my own. Thank God he only lives a block down the street. About the only time I spend at my own house is when Alicia is teaching me guitar. Oh, did I forget to mention that my parent FINALLY bought me an amp? Well, they did. Anyway, Alicia will bring over her equipment and teach me different things.  
  
Yeah, yeah, Journal. I hear you. Apparently not ALL girls are bad. But that still doesn’t mean I want any sort of relationship with one. Alicia’s just the exception to the rule, that’s all. And she can certainly rock a guitar! Plus, when I’m in my room alone, I now have something to do. I can practice all the things she has taught me so far. It helps take my mind of Christian.  
  
Oh, God! Christian… I miss him so much, Journal! And I miss all my old friends, too. I mean, Mikey is a good replacement best friend, but as of now, that’s all he really is, a replacement. I had been friends with all my old friends since early elementary school. We had grown up together.  
  
I told Mikey about Christian last week. I was having an exceptionally sucky day, and all I could think about was how I knew Christian could make it all better with just one smile. Mikey asked why I didn’t just call him. I finally told him the whole story, Journal. From Mom catching me kissing him, to having to move here over it, to how both of my parents now invade my privacy to make sure I’m not contacting him in any way.  
  
Mikey listened to all my ranting, and when I was done, he simply said, “Whoa, that really sucks, dude. Here call him from my phone.” He said it like it was just any other phone call and then handed over his phone. He said his parents never look to see who he’s calling and plus, they don’t know I’m not supposed to be talking to this guy anyway, so I’d never get caught.  
  
Well, what else could a gay guy do that was just given his life back? I hugged the HELL outta Mikey before grabbing his phone and quickly punching in those familiar numbers. It only rang twice before a voice answered the phone. At first, I thought it was Christian, but it turned out to be his older brother. I asked if I could speak to him, but his brother told me he was out with his boyfriend somewhere. He asked if he could take a message for Christian, but I just hung up the phone.  
  
What the FUCK, Journal? He just replaced me? He moved on without trying to find out what happened to me? Does being forced by your dumbass parents to move to a new city imply that you’ve broken up? I didn’t think so! I haven’t even entertained the idea of finding a new boyfriend. I thought I still had one, although I’m not able to talk to him right now. But still… I thought he loved me! He always told me we’d be together forever, no matter what.  
  
Apparently that was just one big lie that I was stupid enough to fall for. After all, who finds their soul mate in high school? Well, I thought I had. Do you still think we have a chance, Journal? I’ll forgive him for needing a warm body when mine was unavailable.  
  
It was bad enough when I was just missing him. Now that I know he’s not missing me back hurts even more. What do I do, Journal? Just nevermind! I can’t even think about it anymore right now!  
  
New subject… Mikey’s brother came home for break this weekend. It seems college lets out before high school does. I happen to walk in on him watching TV when I went over there yesterday. At first he hardly acknowledged my presence, just yelling up the steps…  
  
Shit! My parents are calling me down for dinner. I have a lot to tell you, Journal. About Gerard. And we both know I can’t sum it up in three sentences, so I promise to tell you all about it tomorrow!  
  
Bye, Journal!


	8. December 15, 1998

Dear Journal,  
  
Okay, hang on a sec. I have to see where I was…  
  
Oh, yeah. So I walked in on Gerard watching TV. He practically ignored I was there except to call up the stairs to Mikey that “his _friend_ ” was here. After Mikey called back down that he was going to be a minute, I just shoved my hands in my jeans pockets and stood around awkward like. Let’s face it, Journal, Gerard and me really didn’t get along all that “famously” like Mikey thought we would.  
  
After standing there for God knows how long, Gerard finally looked in my direction over the back of the sofa and said, “You can sit down. I won’t bite you.” I sort of sat down like it was a command, staring straight at the TV. I mean, the guy might say he didn’t bite, but that’s not the impression I get off of him. After watching some guy on the TV chainsaw another guy in half, Gerard lit up a cigarette and turned slightly in my direction again. What was I supposed to do, Journal? Well, I didn’t know, so I just kept watching whatever horror movie this guy was watching. I really had no desire to be threatened again.  
  
Gerard finally took a long draw off his cigarette, and said, “Look, I wasn’t myself the first time we met. I was having a hard time with some personal shit, and I was stressed about exams coming up.” I finally mustered up the courage to look at him, and all he did was push his long hair back over his head, take another draw off his cancer stick, and look back at the TV.  
  
What was that, Journal? Was it supposed to be an apology from the homosexual homophobe? Okay, maybe I shouldn’t call him that. After all, I doubt Mikey would think so highly of him if there wasn’t something good about the guy. I just can’t for the life of me see it, though.  
  
What is with this guy? And he had a boyfriend? No wonder the other guy cheated on him. Gerard’s not the nicest or most social guy in or around New Jersey. I could just feel my skin crawling off my body trying to get away from that awkward feeling I got sitting next to him.  
  
FINALLY Mikey made his appearance, telling his brother to not be trying to steal his only friend. Gerard scoffed, but he didn’t reply back. I don’t think Mikey has any worries about Gerard stealing me away. The guy gives me the creeps!  
  
Afterwards while me and Mikey were walking over to Alicia’s house to get her, I asked Mikey what was Gerard’s deal. Mikey asked me what I was talking about, so I tried to tell him without using the words jerk, creepy, or rude. It was kind of hard to do, since those are the three best adjectives, in my opinion, to describe the guy.  
  
Mikey just shrugged his shoulders then told me Gerard has been going through a lot of his own shit lately. He also said that Gerard’s never been all that social. Mikey made a joke about how he was “damaged” from living in that dark basement for so long but no one could ever talk him out of living down there. Mikey assured me Gerard will eventually come around.  
  
I hope so! I really don’t want to be creeped out by my new best friend’s brother every time I go over there.  
  
When we got to Alicia’s house, who I’m guessing was Alicia’s mom told us we could go to Alicia’s room, warning that the door had better stay open though. I’ve never been to Alicia’s house before, and I wasn’t too thrilled about the idea of being in a pink room for too long. I mean, I’m gay, but I’m not _that_ gay! I was pleasantly surprised. The walls of her room were covered in posters for all kinds of punk rock bands, guitar ads, and the likes. But then, after thinking about it for a while, Alicia really doesn’t have that whole “pink ballerina” thing going on, so I shouldn’t have expected her to have a girly bedroom. She might just be okay, for a girl, after all.  
  
Well, that’s about it for now, Journal. I’m guess I’m gonna go see of Mikey wants to hang out for a bit. Bye!


	9. December 26, 1998

Dear Journal,  
  
You’ll never believe what my parents got me for Christmas. A CAR! Okay, so it’s like 10 years old and has a tape deck that doesn’t work, but it has four wheels and it runs! Now I don’t have to borrow Mom’s car when I want to go somewhere anymore! Even better, I can drive MYSELF to school! I figure I might even just start up a carpool with me, Mikey, and Alicia. We all live within blocks of each other, so it would be perfect!  
  
I took my new car… I like saying that, my new car… over to Mikey’s this morning! I mean, I’ll probably just continue walking over to his house for the time being, but for today, how else was I supposed to show him my Christmas present? I didn’t say anything at first. I just came on into the house when Mrs. Way opened the door.  
  
Quick time out… Mrs. Way hugged me today. I mean, like a big motherly hug while wishing me a belated Merry Christmas. It was really weird. I can’t tell you the last time Mom hugged me. You know what, Journal? There more I sit here and think about it, the more I don’t think it was weird after all; it was actually sort of nice. But I’m still not sure I want her doing it too often.  
  
Anyway, Mikey came running down the steps and practically dragged me up to his room. Apparently he was excited about showing me his Christmas present, too. If I hadn’t have gotten a car for Christmas, I’d have been jealous! Mikey got a new Playstation with like every game ever made for it and a huge TV to play it on! It takes up most of the extra space he has in his room, but it is SO worth it! I think we tried out every game he got with it in like two hours.  
  
After every game had been played, we settled on playing Bushido Blade 2, as it was one of the few games we could play together. But it was SO cool. I totally killed at that game!  
  
So after playing that for a while, Mikey said his grandma had given him money for Christmas, and he knew exactly what he was going to buy with it: Tomb Raider 3. It just came out last month, too! So I told him we should definitely go get it. Like, today. He said his mom wouldn’t let him borrow the car, and he didn’t think she would take us to the video game store today. I smirked because I knew that didn’t matter. I said, “So, we can still go! C’mon, Mikey!” He looked at me like, “Forget it, Frank!” until I dangled my new car key beside my head.  
  
His eyes lit up! He was as happy about my car as I was about his new game system! Mikey said, “No way… you got a _car_?!” That was all it took. We quickly told Mr. and Mrs. Way where we were going, and after getting their speech on safe driving, we were off!  
  
Of course, Mikey wanted to stop and pick up Alicia, and since I am quite fond of driving my new car around, we did. Then we stopped at the video game store. After that, we rode around for a little while, until Mikey saw a Starbucks. He said if we stopped, he’d buy. After all, it was about all the money he had left after buying that new game! So we did that, too. I mean, how often do we get Starbucks?  
  
All in all, it was a fan-fucking-tastic Christmas!  
  
And then my parents rained on my little parade. Mom called me in the kitchen when I got home from Mikey’s tonight. She started out all nice and sweet, asking what Mikey got for Christmas. She listened while I quickly told her about Mikey’s new TV and video games. She goes, “Oh, that’s nice. Listen, we have to talk about this car situation. If you’re going to drive it, you have to be able to pay the insurance and put gas in it. How do you plan on doing that?”  
  
I KNEW IT! Even my Christmas gift was a part of some stupid little plan of theirs. I just shrugged, but I knew what she wanted me to say. I just didn’t want it to be said out loud. True to Mom, though, she said it for me. “I think it’s time you find a job, Frank.”  
  
That’s right, Journal, a JOB! Mom told me I have two months to find one.  
  
I don’t know. Maybe it won’t be that bad, you know? I’d have my own money, and I could buy stuff I want. It’d give me another reason to not be at home. And I can get Mikey to get a job with me!  
  
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll talk to Mikey about it tomorrow! I’m sure he’d get a job working with me somewhere. The question is though, where?  
  
UGH! I’m going to bed, Journal. Night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm updating two chapters today, so I can get this caught up to where my other forums are at. I hope everyone reads both.
> 
> Hugs and Loves!  
> Miz


	10. January 1, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added two chapters today. Please make sure you read chapter 9, dated December 26, 1998, before you read this chapter! Thanks!

Dear Journal,  
  
Happy New Year! You know what my New Year’s resolution is? To move out of my parents’ house! I’m not mad about my parents forcing me to get a job anymore. I’m going to need one if I’m going to keep my resolution. I know I can’t move out for another 10 months, but I’m sticking to it! In 8 months, I’ll start looking for a place of my own. In 9 months, I’m going to start packing. And on my birthday, I’m going to move out finally. Yes! The countdown is on!  
  
Mikey invited me to spend New Year’s Eve at his house. Dad wasn’t happy about it, but Mom said I could go anyway. After throwing a few things in my backpack, I was out of there.  
  
Mr. Way answered the door and told me that Mikey had just left to walk Alicia back home but to make myself at home. I walked into the living room and plopped down on the sofa to wait. I guess I had been sitting there for like ten minutes or something before I realized Gerard was in the room, too. He was drawn up in a corner chair, intently doing something with a pad and pencil as best I could tell. I watched him out of the corner of my eye for a few minutes before my curiosity couldn’t take anymore.  
  
Now, Mikey has told me that his brother is one hell of an artist. And if Creepy Dude was doing what I thought he was doing, I just had to see his art. I went to the bathroom just to have a reason to get up off the sofa. On the way to the bathroom, I really couldn’t see anything. As I past him, he didn’t even look up. In all secrecy, he really didn’t look all that creepy or intimidating sitting there drawing like that. But don’t tell anyone I said that! So I walked really slowly on my way back so I could get a good look at whatever it was he was drawing.  
  
Oh, my God, Journal. Mikey’s brother can DRAW! He was drawing this angel with a halo around her head playing a guitar, and it was all done in black and red. And behind the angel was this red and white shining light or something. It was amazing! Apparently I liked it a little too much, as I unknowingly stopped walking all together just to watch him draw.  
  
All of a sudden, he said, “I’m not an animal in a cage to be ogled at.” It scared the living shit out of me! I wasn’t expecting him to say anything, so I jumped and nearly tripped over my own feet trying to get back to the sofa. When I finally got the nerve to sneak a glance at him again, he had this half smirk on his face, and he was watching me over the top edge of his sketch book. Our eyes met for like one second before he turned the book around and asked me if I liked it. I nodded my head. He turned the book back around and started working on his drawing again.  
  
He didn’t wait long before he spoke again, asking me my name. When I didn’t answer right away… and don’t judge me, Journal, because the guy really does creep me out a little… he said, “I know you can talk. I’ve heard you do it with Mikes.” Then he laid the sketch pad down on his lap, leaning his forearms across it so he could lean his whole body forward, and then whispered, “So what’s your name?” Surely Mikey had told him my name, but I finally was able to get my name out, to which he quickly replied, “Okay, Frank. You wanna see more of my drawings? I’ve got books and books of stuff in my room.”  
  
Uh-huh. His room. With him, the creepy guy? Without Mikey? So let’s talk about this for a minute, Journal. At this point, I am scared shitless. Of what, I have no idea. But the whole idea of going down those dark stairs into that dark room with the homosexual homophobe to look at his drawings without Mikey just sounds like the beginning of a horror movie to me. And then he scares me even more by adding, “I’m not going to hurt you… or rape you,” and then something about it being just pictures. I really didn’t hear the last part because I got stuck on the first part.  
  
Okay, Journal. We both know all my little secrets, and one of them is that I’m still a virgin. So the whole idea that he _could_ take my virginity forcefully and the fact that he would even bring it up didn’t help me ANY! But something about the way his face looked, the way he held his lips in a slight grin and his eyes wide and inviting, I found myself shaking my head yes.  
  
On the way to his room and while he was digging through a mountain of shit on his desk, he suddenly wouldn’t shut up. It was all just chit-chatty stuff and most of it was about Mikey, since that’s the only common ground we share, but it was still just… I don’t know what it was, honestly, Journal. Creepy’s not the right word, nor is weird or scary. It was just different. And I noticed that he talked out of the right side of his mouth. I’m not sure why I even noticed it, or even more, why I told you that.  
  
Anyway, he finally found whatever it was he had been digging for on his desk. He quickly turned back around and actually stated, “Mikey says you like comics,” and then just stood there waiting for an answer. After an awkward moment, I finally realized he was waiting for a reply, so I said yes. He literally bounced across his bed, stood back up beside me, and started laying out drawings all over his bed. He finally got them all lined up just right, and then he looked at me with this pleased look on his face.  
  
I started looking at them, and the detail was so fantastic that I kept leaning over closer and closer to them. I started to touch one at one point, but the whole deal with the comic book the first time I met the guy flashed in my memory, and I quickly pulled my hand back. Mikey’s brother leaned over beside me, put his hand on my shoulder, and whispered, “You won’t mess them up. You can touch them.”  
  
Right then, Journal, Mikey walks in and says “What’cha doing?” I jumped away from Gerard like I had been burned or something, and Mikey gave me a confused look. Then he looked at the bed and turned his attention to his brother. Apparently these were drawings Gerard had made as a pitch to a comic book company that he had yet to send in. Anyway, the next minute, me and Mikey are going back up to Mikey’s room to play more games. Which we did for the rest of the night until people started shooting fireworks.  
  
Now I’m just confused, Journal. Mikey’s brother didn’t like me, which I know because he practically threatened me the first time we met. Then the second time we met, he tried to apologize or something. I’m still not sure what that was. Anyway, then yesterday, he invites me down to his room, alone, to show me his drawings. Is he finally “warming up” to me like Mikey said he would? I mean, the guy still seems kind of odd to me. But now I’m not sure what to think about him.  
  
What do you think, Journal? Yeah, I agree. For the time being, I think I’m just going to keep my distance from him. After all, he goes back to art school in a few days.


	11. January 23, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Guess what! I had an interview for a job today. And guess where it was… Barnes and Noble. That’s awesome, right? I love books! So anyway, I was pretty nervous. All I had to wear that was nice was my school uniform. But since it’s just dress pants, a button up shirt, and a tie, Mom said they wouldn’t know it was my uniform. So I wore that. What else was I supposed to wear? An Iron Maiden t-shirt and ripped jeans? I can’t get any job wearing that!  
  
Anyway, so I asked the lady behind the counter for “Dennis.” That was who I was told to ask for. After forever, this really old, really nerdy guy with a bald head walks up and asks me if I’m Frank. Seriously, the guy was wearing a pocket protector! So I nodded my head and stuttered out a yeah. Nice, Frank! Great way to start an interview. Well, as we started walking to some unknown-to-me place, Dennis asks me if it was my first job. I tried to be a bit more self-sure with answering this time, but it still came out pretty weak. Dennis laughed at something, which I think was me, and told me not to worry and that there was no reason to be nervous.  
  
He led me to this little office in the very back of the store. He flipped through a couple of folders before pulling out a familiar piece of paper, the application I had turned in last week. He looked at it for a minute or two before he looked back at me and asked me if I was wearing my school uniform. I blurted out it was all I had nice to wear. He said he went there, too, and told me it was a nice school. As if! But I just nodded my head instead.  
  
He asked me what kind of things I was into, what music I listened to, what kind of books I liked to read, and what my favorite subject was in school. I had to lie about that last one. Lunch isn’t exactly a subject. He just looked at me and said “uh-huh” every now and then.  
  
Then Dennis told me that I would start out putting the books on the shelves. I had to be good at putting things in alphabetical order. How hard can that be, Journal? He said I would spend most of my time standing up and walking around. Still, not bad I guess. Then Dennis said I would have to help customers find the books they were looking for. What?! I have to talk to people?!  
  
But then I thought about wanting to move out of my parents’ house, and I was okay with that too. I’d talk to anyone on the planet, okay except Gerard maybe, to be able to move out of my parents’ house! Dennis asked me if I was okay with doing all of that, and I told him I was. Then he asked me if there were any days I couldn’t work. I pretended to give it some thought and then told him no. He said, “Well, Frank, I just have one more question. What are you doing Monday?” I said going to school. He laughed, again I think at me, and said afterschool. I told him nothing but hanging out with my friend. He made a really lame joke then. “Well, you might better cancel on him because you have work on Monday. Be here at five o’clock.”  
  
Lame joke or not, it was just what I wanted to hear! I GOT THE JOB, JOURNAL!  
  
So as I was walking back to my car, I saw Mikey heading into the same store. I yelled at him and ran his way. He looked me up and down while I did the same thing. He was wearing dress clothes too, but not his school uniform like I was. He asked me why I was wearing my school clothes on a weekend. I told him I had just had an interview here and that I got the job. He said, “No way. I’ve got an interview in like five minutes!”  
  
This is just way too cool, Journal!  
  
I told Mikey I would wait for him to get done. We walked on into the store together. He headed over the same woman behind the counter that I had talked to, and I headed for the comic book section. I swear I flipped through a hundred comic books before Mikey came around the corner looking for me. Like always, you can’t tell anything by the look on Mikey’s face. The first thing he said was, “Old dude can’t say your last name right.” Um, okay. So I asked him why they were talking about me. He said Dennis had asked him if he knew me and if we got along. Mikey said, “I told him we went together like peas and carrots.” Gah, Mikey is such a nerd sometimes!  
  
Well, I couldn’t wait anymore. I finally asked him if he got the job. He just barely smiled and said he starts Monday at five. Then we jumped up and down together like the idiots we are before we realized we are supposed to be cool. We left right after that, of course.  
  
But isn’t that great, Journal? I’ve only had like two interviews. And me and Mikey are going to be working together. And I’m one step closer to moving out.  
  
I told Mom about it when I got home. She was happy I had found a job so quickly. I just happened to forget to mention that it was because I had the motivation of not living at home anymore to encourage me. I also happened to forget to tell her that Mikey was going to be working there, too. I’m sure she’ll find out on her own soon enough. Maybe now, Mom will lay off me a little. I doubt it, though. My parents live to make me miserable.  
  
After dinner, Dad gave me my phone back. He said if I was going to be at work and out driving around, I had to have a way to call home if I needed to. Then he told me they would be monitoring my calls. I was only allowed to call Mikey, Alicia, home, and work. Anyone else, and they would take my phone again. How convenient is it that when I got upstairs and turned on my phone, those were the only four numbers in the phone’s memory. I guess my parents still don’t trust me.  
  
Tomorrow I’m going with Mikey and his mom to buy some new khaki pants for work since Mom has to work. Well, that’s about all for now. Bye, Journal.


	12. February 13, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Well, I’ve been a working man for about three weeks now. It’s really not bad at all. I like working in the book store. And it helps that Mikey’s there too. It took us a little while to learn the basic layout of the store, and we’re still learning the details of all the different sections. Helping the customers isn’t really all that bad. When they are looking for a specific subject or book, I have to look up things in the computer to find it, but most of the time people are just looking for a section of books, like fictions or cookbooks or something else. I can handle those easy.  
  
Oh, it was funny. About a week into working there, some guy asked Mikey where the gay section was. I didn’t know what the guy had said to him or what he said to the guy, but suddenly Mikey was running around the corner towards me with this look of… I really don’t know, but it was FUNNY! I think Mikey thought the guy thought he was gay or something. Anyway, the guy is looking between me and Mikey like he’s confused or something. Mikey says, “Uh, you… you’d probably be able to answer this better than me. He’s looking for the… the _gay_ section.” I said, “And I’d be more helpful because?” just to get Mikey more worked up. I mean, it was really funny, Journal. Mikey’s eyes about fell out of his head, and he whined something that sounded like “You know, you bein’ you and all.” I just laughed at Mikey and took the guy to the section, well after I found it myself. Being gay doesn’t mean I hang out in the “Gay and Lesbian” section at work!  
  
Anyway, after work while I was driving back to Mikey’s house, I asked him what that was all about. After all, I know Mikey’s not allergic to gay. Mikey was all like, “He called me _sweetie_!” Just to push Mikey’s buttons a little more, I told him it was a good thing he had let me help the guy out and that after we made it to the gay books, we looked at some sex books and made out. Of course, that was all just a joke. All I did was take him there. The guy thanked me, and I walked off. But Mikey didn’t know that. Mikey shouts, “I KNEW IT!” What he was supposed to know, who knows, but I couldn’t stop laughing at Mikey then. Mikey finally caught on that I was joking, and he called me an asshole and shoved me.  
  
Anyway, after work today, we got back to Mikey’s and went up to play some video games before I had to head home for dinner. Mikey checked his messages, and he had one from Gerard. Well, that started that conversation. Apparently Gerard is upset it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow. I can’t blame the guy. I’ve been trying not to think about it myself. I know Christian has moved on, but I can’t help but think about what I’d get him and what the card I would have bought him would of said. I imagine I would have done the same thing I did last year and pretend to be going to another friend’s house but instead sneak over to Christian’s. But that’s over now, right, Journal? It’s time I moved on…  
  
Anyway, Mikey was rambling on and on about how he was worried about Gerard because he thinks Gerard is getting more and more depressed since the whole thing with Gerard’s ex. He said Gerard is having a hard time moving on. God, I completely get that! And you know, while I can imagine Mikey’s brother’s probably not a great boyfriend or anything, I don’t think it was right for his ex to cheat on him. I mean, I don’t know the whole story, but that’s just wrong. Anyway, apparently Gerard’s ex is in one of his classes this semester at college, and it’s driving Mikey’s brother crazy to have to stare at him but not be able to talk to him.  
  
I feel for the guy, Journal. He might be a bit weird and creepy, but I know how bad it feels to be stepped on and then pushed aside. I don’t think Mikey or his brother really has anyone else to talk to about it, so I listened as best I could and added in something when I felt it necessary. I mean, Mikey does the same thing for me when I want to talk about my old life.  
  
Tomorrow is going to suck. Not only is it Valentine’s Day and I don’t have a Valentine of my own, but after work, Mikey is taking Alicia out to dinner. They offered for me to go along, but that would be just weird, Journal. I’d just be a third wheel raining on their parade. So I’m going to sit at home and play my guitar. Hopefully my parents won’t bother me too much. Things between me and Dad are back to normal, but Mom is still trying to persuade me to like girls. I wish she’d just give up already!  
  
Alright, Journal, I’m signing off for the night. I’m exhausted!


	13. March 18, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a wonderfully observant reader notice I had posted the same chapter twice. (You know who you are... Thank you!!) When I reviewed the chapters, I realized I had in fact post one chapter twice while omitting another chapter all together. I have corrected this now.

Dear Journal,

Sorry it’s been over a month since I last talked to you, Journal. I’ve been busy with work, hanging out with Mikey and Alicia, and try to get through to graduation. But I need to tell someone this…

I had a fight with Mikey. It didn’t last but a couple of hours, but it still happened. I’ll tell you the whole story, start to finish.

At school today, I saw Mikey talking to some other guys between classes. Well, I had to make a stop at my locker, so I didn’t have a chance to go over there. So at lunch, I asked him who they were. He said they were some guys he knew that were trying to start a band. Then he asked if I’d like to meet them. I said yeah, so we ate quickly. After downing our lunch, Mikey leads me over to the guys I had seen him talking to before. They were all nice, and we all sat and talked for a while. They got on to talking about their album they were working on and how they needed a cover.

This is where I screwed up. God, Journal, I am SUCH an idiot! I actually said, “You can get Mikey’s creepy brother to draw you something!” Suddenly, everybody was just staring at me. I hadn’t even realized what I had said. Mikey says, “Creepy?! You think Gerard is creepy?!” I wanted to die on the spot. I could have just fell over dead or been struck by lightning or anything just to not have been standing there anymore. I tried to mumble out that I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but Mikey wasn’t listening anymore. Alicia was in front of Mikey, trying to calm him down by telling him that Gerard can be somewhat weird sometimes and that Mikey did know that. But it wasn’t helping at all.

The band guys all just stood there looking back and forth between me and Mikey. I figured they would take Mikey’s side and I didn’t know what else to do, so I just walked off. I went on to my next class early. Mikey didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. And since we now carpool together and we both had to work tonight, he had to ride with me to work. He STILL didn’t speak to me. I tried to apologize again, but Mikey just pushed his glasses further up the bridge of his nose and stared out the window of the car. All I could think was “WHY am I so stupid? WHY did I call Mikey’s brother ‘creepy’ to Mikey’s face?”

As soon as we got into a parking space at work, Mikey quickly jumped out of the car and practically ran into the store. I didn’t try to run after him or anything. I mean, he won’t even listen to my apologies. What else am I supposed to say to him? So I just walked slowly into work, clocked in, and got started for the day. Luckily there was a new shipment that came in today, so I had plenty to do to keep me busy.

Rebecca, who’s another manager at the store, came over at some point and told me I could go take my break if I wanted to. Well, my knees were getting sore from leaning on them for so long, so I went on to take my break. I tried to see where Mikey was working today, but I didn’t see him anywhere. But I eventually found him. He was sitting in the break room when I walked in. I really wanted to sit down for a minute and give my knees a chance to chill, so I went to the other side of the break room to sit down.

I swear Mikey was staring a hole through my head, or at least I could feel it anyway, so I just put my head down on my arms on the table. After a few minutes, I heard a chair scrape across the floor. After I was sure Mikey was gone, I lifted my head back up. There stood Mikey in front of me, his hands shoved deep into his pants pockets. I kind of mumbled a hi to him. He took one of his hands out of his pockets and sort of waved to me. Then he pulled out a chair next to me and sat down. All of a sudden, Mikey started telling me that Alicia and those band guys had talked to him after I had walked off. He said they told him that creepy really wasn’t that far off and they could see how I would call him that.

I again apologized to Mikey and told him I wasn’t trying to be a dick or anything. It’s just that his brother kind of scares me. Mikey asked me what Gerard had ever done to scare me. At first I didn’t want to say, but Mikey made me tell him. So I told Mikey about what happened that first time I met his brother and what he had said to me about trying to make Mikey gay and keeping my hands off of him. Mikey said, “He said that to you?!” All I could do was nod my head because he seemed to be mad again, except this time it was at Gerard.

Then I felt even worse! I wasn’t trying to get Gerard in trouble with Mikey! Mikey made me tell him! All I wanted was for Mikey to understand why I was creeped out by his brother. Anyway, Mikey said he was going to chat with his brother about it and then asked if we were okay. I said I was if he was. He just smiled at me and lightly punched me on my arm. Then he said we should get back to work.

At least me and Mikey are friends again. But oh, God! What if Mikey talking to his brother makes Gerard mad at me? I’m already weirded out by him, and he seems to have finally given me a chance! Now Mikey’s brother is just going to hate me again! Thank God he’s at college right now!


	14. March 28, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a wonderfully observant reader notice I had posted the same chapter twice. (You know who you are... Thank you!!) When I reviewed the chapters, I realized I had in fact post one chapter twice while omitting another chapter all together. I have corrected this now.

Dear Journal, 

I went over to Mikey’s house this morning. We had the day off and had planned on playing some video games together. I knocked on the door and waited for one of Mikey’s parents to answer the door like always. But instead of Mr. or Mrs. Way, Mikey’s brother answered the door. What the hell is HE doing home? He quickly told me that Mikey was out with their mother, but that he would be back “in a while.” I said, “Oh.” and turned to head back to my house. Gerard stepped out of the door and grabbed my arm. He asked me if I would please come in, that he needed to talk to me about something. I wasn’t sure what he could possibly want to talk to me about, but I sort of nodded my head and followed him into the house. 

As if he was waiting for me, he just watched me walk into the living room. Once I sat down on the sofa, he took a seat next to me. For a few minutes, nothing was said, so I finally asked him what it was he needed to talk to me about. He put his head down into his hands and said, “Mikey had a talk with me.” Oh. My. God! I had almost forgot about that! I knew this was it! He was now going to hate me FOREVER! I started to apologize to him like I had with Mikey a couple of weeks ago. I was rambling on about how I really didn’t mean it the way it sounded when Mikey’s brother started to kind of laugh, like not a real laugh but sort of forced or something. Anyway, he cut me off by putting his hand on my knee and looking up at me with his head still kind of hung down. 

I just sort of sat there looking at him for a minute because I was confused as hell. Just another adjective to add to the list I have to describe this guy, confusing. He finally says, “Look, I didn’t take what you said the wrong way. Really, I asked for it.” Now, I’m speechless. Um, okay. He told me that he had taken some things out on me the first time we met that weren’t my fault. He said his ex had been seducing another one of their friends that wasn’t gay. He went on that he liked Alicia and didn’t want to see her hurt either. So he sort of had imprinted his life over me, Mikey, and Alicia or something? 

Anyway, he apologized for being, as he called it, a prick. I accepted his apology and told him that I really never had any intentions of making a move on Mikey, that me and him were just friends. He smiled at me and said “Any friend of Mikey’s is a friend of mine. Well, if you wanna be.” I told him we could give it a try. He winked at me and said we can start by annoying Mikey and playing his video games without him. As we headed up the stairs, I told him if Mikey yelled at anyone that this was HIS idea. 

After we picked a game to play and got settled down on the floor, I finally asked him why he wasn’t at college right now. He said it was Spring Break for them. I forgot Spring Break is coming up. I think mine and Mikey’s is next week! Anyway, he doesn’t have many friends at college so he gets bored just sitting in his dorm room alone all the time. That’s why he comes home every chance he gets. Plus, his mom always cooks him something good to eat every time he shows up since he can’t cook much in his dorm room. 

He asked me a little about myself and listened to all my answers, occasionally asking about something I had just said. Finally he asked abruptly, “So do you have a boyfriend?” I answered no but that I wasn’t looking for one either. He told me he had just gotten out of a relationship that had ended badly, like he hadn’t already mentioned that to me a couple of times. I told him that I knew all about it because Mikey has pretty much told me the whole story more than once and that I felt bad for him because his ex shouldn’t have cheated on him. We played Playstation in silence after that, the only words spoken were one of us cussing out the screen or something. Until Mikey got home. 

He walked into his room carrying a couple of bags and said, “Look, my two favorite gay guys are playing nice.” Gerard and I both called him names and then laughed. Since I was closer to the door, Mikey pushed me over in the floor to sit down. There’s not much room in Mikey’s bedroom as it is, so the three of us were squished up together. It was fun, though. It’s like the brothers I never had.

I got awkward after a while, though, Journal. I finally got up and went to the bathroom. It was weird. I mean, I’ve never thought of Mikey’s brother as anything more than Mikey’s brother or the jerk. But sitting so close to him in the floor today, I could feel the warmth of his thigh pressed against mine. And I noticed that while he still somewhat smelled like an ashtray, I could smell this musky fragrance blended in with the cigarette smoke smell. I don’t know if it was aftershave or cologne or what, but it smelled good. 

GOD! I must be really fucking lonely if I’m getting turned on by Mikey’s weird brother. Or maybe I’m just really horny and he’s the only gay guy I know now. ~~I bet he’s experienced.~~ OH MY GOD! Why did I just write that! And I can’t erase it; it’s in pen! 

Just shoot me now, Journal!


	15. April 5, 1999

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had a wonderfully observant reader notice I had posted the same chapter twice. (You know who you are... Thank you!!) When I reviewed the chapters, I realized I had in fact post one chapter twice while omitting another chapter all together. I have corrected this now.

Dear Journal,

I’ve spent the last week pretty much living at Mikey’s house. Well, minus being at school and work. Alicia hung out a lot, too. Dare I even bring Gerard up? Yeah, he was right there most of the time. I actually got to spend a little more time alone with him when Mikey was distracted by Alicia. Most of the time we were all cramped into Mikey’s room playing video games. Mikey and Alicia would be on Mikey’s bed, and Gerard and me would be on the floor.

I tried not to get too close to Gerard. As in, I was very aware of his body the entire time. Every time we would accidental touch, because I was extra careful not to intentionally touch him at all, I would get that awkward feeling again. He’s really not as bad as I first thought he was. The more time I spent with him this past week, the less creepy and more… dare I say fascinating he became. But I was careful not to show it. I mean, I don’t want him getting any ideas.

At one point, Mikey and Alicia started kissing, and Gerard said, “One of these days, I’m SO going to pay you two back for all this PDA.” I had to stop myself, Journal. I ALMOST thought, “With me?” But I’m not attracted to him. I can’t be! He’s Mikey’s brother! Too bad Mikey thought, AND SAID, my near thought out loud. I nearly choked on my own spit! I turned wide-eyed to Gerard to see how he would respond. He just smirked and kept playing the game. Too bad I was about eight shades of red! Thank God he didn’t even turn to look at me!

But Gerard’s in college. He’s not going to be attracted to some high school boy, even if said high school boy is a senior. I’m sure there are plenty of guys at his college he’d rather be with. But it’s not like I want to be with him or anything. Nah-ah! NO WAY!

Yesterday, the Ways had a mini birthday party for Gerard. Apparently his birthday is this coming Friday. I didn’t mean to crash his party; I didn’t even know about it. But Mrs. Way said I was always invited, especially as I was close friends with both of her boys. I’m not sure I’m all that close to Gerard just yet, but whatever. I’ll just pretend the Ways are my adopted family.

Anyways, they had bought Gerard a cake and had tons of gifts for him. I’d never seen Gerard blush before until Mrs. Way insisted he blow out candles on his cake. Gerard tried to argue that he was too old for candles, but Mrs. Way still put the candles on the cake and lit them. It was funny to watch Gerard blowing them out. After we all had cake, Gerard opened his presents of course. All he got were comic books, pads of art paper, and tons of things like paint and pencils. I have never seen anyone so excited about getting paper and pencils for their birthday! I’m telling you, Journal, the guy is WEIRD!

After the little party, Gerard started collecting all of his things together. He had to leave to get back to his dorm room before his classes started back today. He hugged everyone and told them how much he was going to miss them and how much he loved them. I just stood around in the background waiting for Mikey to go back to his room with me or to walk over to Alicia’s house together to get her. All of a sudden, I was surrounded by that musky, cigarette smoke smell. Gerard was fucking HUGGING me! He told me he “enjoyed” getting to know me this past week and to take care of Mikey while he was gone. I wasn’t sure whether to just stand there or hug him back or what! I finally settled on patting his back. Well, what would you have done, Journal?

Once he was gone, Mikey pulled me back up to his room. As soon as we were back in there, Mikey gets this goofy look on his face and says, “Gerard hugged you.” I told him I kind of already knew that as I was, in fact, the hug-ee. Mikey then says, “He likes you.” It took every ounce of my will power to not ask him “Like me or like-like me?” Instead I just brushed off his comment like it didn’t affect me and said, “Whatever. Let’s play some games.”

But I spent the rest of the day thinking about I was holding the same controller that had previously been held by Gerard. My hands were holding the exact same plastic his hands had been holding. I swear I could feel the warmth of his hands still on it. It was almost like we were holding hands.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, JOURNAL? He just left yesterday and I already can’t wait for summer for him to come back home! No, Journal! No, you’re wrong! I’m not falling for Mikey’s weird brother! I CAN’T BE! He’s Mikey’s BROTHER! He turns 22 on Friday! I’m only 17! He’d never be with someone so much younger than him. Right?

Tell me I’m right, Journal. Tell me he’s not interested in me. Tell me I need to find a guy my own age. Just tell my ANYTHING to make me stop thinking about him! Gah, you’re no help, Journal. You know that?!

If my parents find out, not only will they kill me, but I’ll lose another best friend! This isn’t happening! It’s really not!


	16. April 17, 1999

Dear Journal,

I have good news! I got a packet in the mail today. I know, that’s fantastic!! I’m kidding! No, really… I got accepted to Rutgers! And I got that scholarship to pay for it! Isn’t that great? Mom and Dad were thrilled, too, of course. Now I just have to get Mikey to move his ass and apply to some colleges. I swear he puts everything off until it’s almost too late. And at this point, it’s too late. He’s going to have to go to a community college for his freshman year.

We talked about getting an apartment or some other sort of rental together. Since he’s already 18, he said he can start looking and applying for some as soon as we know what we’re doing after we graduate. I could live with Mikey. That would actually be pretty awesome! Well, as long as Mikey and Alicia keep it contained to Mikey’s room.

I have practically moved in with the Ways now. I HATE being at home with my parents. All they ever do is irritate me about everything! And now Mom is going on and on about how much time I spend at the Ways and how little time I spend at home. Does she really think bitching at me is going to make me want to stay home more? She even threatened to kick me out of the house! For what I have no idea. I guess because I’m spending too much time at Mikey’s. She said, “Maybe the _Ways_ will let you live with them.” She oughta just be glad I made a new friend in this shitty assed town she forced me to move to!

Moving on, because I don’t want to talk about Mom or Dad anymore… My check next week should be huge! I’m thinking about buying Gerard a late birthday present. I thought about a comic book, but I have no idea which ones he DOESN’T have. So then I thought about getting him a rare comic book. I looked at Comic Explosion. They only had one rare comic I could afford. It was the very first “The Goon” from Dark Horse, but I don’t know if he would like that one. Plus, it’s $80. Maybe I could ask Mikey to help me pick one out.

But then Mikey is just going to pick on me MORE about Gerard. Yeah, Journal, he’s been picking on me the last couple of weeks about him. He even went seven-year-old and started chanting “Gerard and Frankie sitting in tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g…” It was EMBARRASSING!! How am I supposed to keep it to myself that I have a VERY SMALL crush on him if I keep blushing every time Mikey starts that shit?

I suppose that _is_ something I should tell you, Journal. I have decided to admit I do have a little crush on Gerard. At least to myself. But it’s miniature. No, microscopic! It’s a VERY, VERY small crush. By the time Gerard comes back home for summer, I’ll be over it! THAT’S how small it is!!

Anyway, every chance Mikey gets he says something to me about Gerard. And Mikey has taken to telling me personal stuff about Gerard at random. His favorite foods, his favorite comics, his favorite movies, his favorite anything. At work the day before, Mikey even brought a book over to me and asked me if I had read it. When I told him no, Mikey said, “You should read it. It’s Gerard’s favorite book.” I mean, just what the Hell, Journal?

When I was about to leave Mikey’s house today, I asked Mikey why he seemed to be pushing me towards Gerard. All he said was “Gerard likes you.” I told him he had already told me that once, then asked what in the hell that was supposed to mean. “It means that Gerard likes you,” is all he said. Wow, Mikey. Thanks for clearing _that_ up. I think Mikey knows something he’s not telling me.


	17. May 12, 1999

Dear Journal,

Well, there’s only three weeks left until graduation. I’m actually going to graduate too. I was worried my grades would slip since I started working, but they haven’t. I’ve got my cap and gown, and Mom bought me a new suit to wear for graduation. What’s the point in wearing a new suit if it’s just going to be covered up by my gown? That makes no sense to me. But I have to at least give Mom credit that she let me buy the suit I wanted. It’s a black pinstripe suit with a zip-up breast pocket on the jacket. Under the jacket, I got a pale pink button-up shirt with a silk, crayon-red tie. It’s awesome!

So life is pretty much the same lately. My parents are an evil, life-sucking force in my life. I spend more time at Mikey’s than at home. I go to work, and I go to school. I know, great life, right? About the only thing that has changed is that I’m getting my guitar lessons at Mikey’s now. Alicia doesn’t mind. My parent said they were tired of the “racket” we were making in my room. Why buy me a guitar and then tell me I can’t play it in the house? Whatever!

Okay, I’ve played nice long enough. I have to tell you something, Journal. When Mikey said it out loud, I tried to play it cool, but honestly I think he saw right through me. Mikey’s good at that. Anyway, here’s the story…

I was over at Mikey’s house today. When Mom bought me that new suit, she also bought me some new jeans and band t-shirts, complaining that mine were getting too ripped up and worn. So I was wearing some of my new clothes at Mikey’s house. I had to take a piss at one point, and I went to the bathroom and did my business. As I opened the door, I happen to notice my reflection in this floor length mirror they have in their upstairs bathroom. Well, like any good gay man does, I admired myself in my new clothes. I might be small and not all that good looking, but my new clothes make me look pretty good.

All of a sudden I heard Mikey asking me what I’m doing. After my heart slowed down from Mikey trying to scare me to death, I told him I was looking at my new clothes. He asked me why. I told him I don’t like the way I look most of the time, but my new clothes don’t make me look all that bad. At first, Mikey says, “Oh my God, I can tell you’re gay.” But then he adds, apparently without thinking about what he was saying, “Gerard seems to think you look just fine.” My eyes bugged out of my head! Then I said, “Wait a minute, how do you know?” It was Mikey’s turn to bug his eyes out then. Apparently he had let slip a secret he wasn’t supposed to mention, or at least that’s what it looked like to me. He quickly said, “I don’t” and literally ran back to his room.

I followed him back into his room and shut the door, knowing this was going to be a private conversation. Mikey was just sitting on his bed awkwardly fumbling with his video games. I tried to keep my voice steady as I asked him exactly how he knew that. He said it was just a guess. Yeah, right, a guess that his older brother thinks I look just fine. So I said that to him. He didn’t say anything. So I told him I know he knows more than he’s telling me. He asked me what made me think that. I told him because he keeps acting like he’s trying to set me up with Gerard. His silence told me I was right. After another minute, I straight out asked Mikey why he said Gerard thought I looked just fine. He said a couple of weeks ago when Gerard had called home for his weekly call, Gerard had asked about me. I said, “Okay. But that doesn’t explain why you would say he thinks I look just fine, Mikey.” Mikey scrunched his face up like he was in pain and said as quickly as I’ve ever heard Mikey talk, “He told me he thinks you’re gorgeous, his word, not mine.” I blinked a few times before I said, “Come again?” Mikey whined and asked me if I was really going to make him say it again. I told him yeah I was since he said it so fast the first time I could barely understand him. He rolled his head around his neck, sighed real loud, and then looked me right in the eyes. And then he said, slower this time, “Gerard said, and I quote, ‘Frank is gorgeous.’” Then Mikey rolled his eyes at me.

I tried to get Mikey to tell me more of the conversation and why exactly his brother had just said that to him, but he shut up and wouldn’t say anymore. If I add Gerard calling me “gorgeous” to the fact that Mikey keeps telling me his brother likes me, does that all equal Gerard having a crush on me too? Do 22 year olds even have crushes?   

Mikey told me a few days ago that Gerard graduates from college on May 27th. On Memorial Day, which I think is the 31st, him and his parents are going up to New York to move all of Gerard’s stuff back home. But Gerard is going to come home with them after his graduation ceremony. That means only… I have to count… 15 more days until I get to see him again! Maybe. Perhaps I shouldn’t go over there the first day he gets back. I don’t want to seem desperate or anything.

At least all of Mikey’s picking on me makes some sense now. Mikey DID know something I didn’t know. I’m pretty sure he STILL knows more than I know, but I know enough now. Well, I do want to know what else Mikey knows, but you know what I mean, Journal.

I wonder if Mikey is going to tell Gerard he told me what he said…


	18. May 27, 1999

Dear Journal,

I am bored stiff. Mikey is off at his brother’s graduation. I thought about calling Alicia and seeing if she wanted to hang out, but I feel weird about hanging out with my best friend’s girlfriend alone. I doubt Mikey would care, as he knows my feelings on the subject of girls, but I don’t think I want to find out. I would play my guitar, but it’s at Mikey’s now since my parents stopped letting me play it at home.

So if I wanted to go buy Gerard a graduation present, what should I buy him? I have no clue. He seems to have every comic book ever written, and I know dick shit about art stuff. Maybe I can do a search on the internet. I’ll be right back… Well that was no help either! Great.

I guess it’s back to staring at the walls of my bedroom some more.

I wonder what Mikey is doing. You suppose he’s on his way back home yet? He should be considering it’s into the evening hours now. I think he said he was riding back with Gerard in Gerard’s car. I wonder what kind of car Gerard drives. In the times I’ve been over there when he was there too, I’ve never taken notice of the different cars outside. I bet it’s better than my car, even though I love my car. For that matter, I don’t think I even know what kind of cars Mikey’s parents drive.

What kind of music do you think Gerard listens to, Journal? You think he likes punk rock bands like Mikey and me? Surely he doesn’t like jazz or classical music! That seems like something a gay art student would like. I doubt it, though. I’ve seen his bedroom, and it definitely doesn’t say _that_ kind of gay.

Why am I going on about what kind of music he listens to?! I am REALLY bored, Journal! Hang on, Mom’s calling me.

Oh my God, Journal! I gotta go! Mikey and Gerard are here. Like, in my bedroom waiting for me to get some stuff together. Mom said I could spend the night at Mikey’s as long as I go to school tomorrow! If Mom knew Gerard was gay, she wouldn’t have let me and probably would have flipped out about me spending so much time over at Mikey’s again.

I told Mikey and Gerard I just had to finish up a school assignment right quick. I can’t even look at Gerard! He looks so HOT in this suit he’s wearing! You should totally see him right now! OH MY GOD, JOURNAL! GERARD’S IN MY BEDROOM! WAITING ON _ME_! Why in the fuck am I still writing?


	19. May 28, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in updating this past week. I had an unexpected situation arise that takes presidence over fic matters. But I'm back now.

Dear Journal,  
  
I spent the night at the Ways’ house last night, but you already knew that. Well, Mrs. Way has an air mattress she puts down in the floor in Mikey’s room for me to sleep on. Well, I’ve only spent one other night at Mikey’s before, and that was before Christmas. So, when Mrs. Way tried to put the air mattress down in his floor last night, it wouldn’t fit. His TV stand that has his TV, Playstation, and all his games on it took up too much of the floor.  
  
Mrs. Way took it downstairs and started to move all of the furniture in the living room around to make room for the mattress there. Gerard was sitting on the sofa and asked her what she was doing. She told him she was making some room for me to sleep. Gerard looked between me and his mom a couple of times before Mrs. Way said, “Well, aren’t you going to help me, Gerard?” Gerard took one more quick look at me before he says, I kid you not, Journal, “Mom, there’s more room in my floor. Why don’t you just let him sleep down there? If he wants to, that is.” Then both of them turned to look at me. I did my best not to blush and just shook my head yes. Honestly, I didn’t trust myself to speak. At all.  
  
The next thing I know, Gerard, his mom, and me are all down in his room, and he’s tossing clothes out of the middle of the floor into a stack next to the wall and carefully stacking up comic books on the foot of his bed. He makes a space big enough for the mattress to fit in, and then some, and Mrs. Way puts the mattress down in the spot on the floor. She puts a sheet on it and adds a couple of blankets. She calls to Gerard “Good night, sweetheart.” then she walks towards me, as I still haven’t made it past the bedroom door. Mrs. Way pats me on my shoulder, tells me to have a good night, and goes up the stairs leaving me alone with Gerard. In his bedroom. Alone. For the night. The WHOLE night.  
  
Gerard finally realizes I’m still standing in his doorway. He looks up at me and asks me if I need something. Uh, you? I didn’t say that, as much as I wanted to. Apparently I stood there thinking too long. He walked over to me, put his hand on my arm, and said, “You know two gay guys can sleep in a room together and it not be anything, right?” I stuttered out a yeah. It was the best I could do with him touching me. In his room. Alone. I finally made my feet move and made it to the mattress Mrs. Way had made up for me. I put down my bag, dug out my pajamas, and asked Gerard where I could change. He pointed to a door in his room and told me it was a bathroom.  
  
After changing into my pajamas, that I haven’t worn in two years so thank God they still fit me somewhat, I went back into his room and started getting comfy on the air mattress. I had hardly got sat down when Gerard asked, “Do you draw, Frank?” I told him not all that well. So he asked me if I did anything creative. I told him Alicia was teaching me to play guitar, but I wasn’t as good as she was at it. Gerard laughed and said, “Not many people outside of rock bands are as good as Alicia.” I agreed.  
  
There was what I can only call an awkward silence for a few minutes before Gerard spoke again. This time he simply asked, “Wanna draw?” I just looked at him for a second. He said, “I have plenty of supplies. Use whatever you like,” and motioned towards his desk. I told him I really wasn’t good at it. He said I just needed someone to show me how to do it. I watched him gather up a few pencils and a sketch pad like I had seen him use before. He walked over to my mattress and motioned for me to scoot over. At this point I’m more curious than thinking about Gerard sitting on my bed. He really thinks he can teach me to draw?  
  
At first he started with a lesson about the pencils. Apparently the ones he had were charcoal pencils and not graphite ones like we use at school and for everyday writing. He said I didn’t have to bear as hard with them as I would an ordinary pencil. Okay, charcoal pencils and graphite pencils. So I’ve got the first lesson. I asked him if that was a special type of paper too. He sort of laughed, which was cute, and then said it was a heavier weight or something like that but it was still just regular paper. I nodded like I knew what he was talking about. Then he showed me how he holds the pencil so that he can use it from all kinds of angles. I thought holding a pencil was holding a pencil. He handed me the same pencil and told me to try. He said eventually I would develop my own way of holding it, but for now, his way would work.  
  
Now, just wait a minute, Journal. “Eventually.” Does that mean he’s planning on more of these little art lessons? Not that I’m complaining. I can get used to being in that dark room and having Gerard teach me about all the art stuff he knows, which is a lot, I’m sure, considering he just graduated from art school yesterday.  
  
Anyways, back to my story… He put his hand over the top of mine. I wasn’t expecting him to do it, so I kind of jerked my hand a little. He quickly balled up his fingers and told me he just wanted to show me something. Then he added, “May I?” I bit my lower lip and stared at his clothes covered floor for a second, trying to quickly decide if I could stand for him to actually be touching me. He finally said, “It’s just art, Frank, not a life changing decision.” Oh, if only he knew how wrong he was, Journal! But at that, I mumbled okay.  
  
He put his hand back over mine and began moving the pencil across the paper. But for me, the art lesson was over. Gerard was technically holding my hand. I mean, I enjoyed watching this picture unfold before my eyes, but I wasn’t actually the one drawing it and I was more focused on the fact Gerard was TOUCHING me. All too soon, he pulled our hands away from the paper and let go of my hand. I looked down at the pad halfway across both of our laps. On it was what looked like the beginnings of a superhero or something. It was amazing! I looked up at him, and he was looking right back at me with this hint of a smile. He said, “See what you drew?” I laughed and told him, “I didn’t draw that, you did.” He ruffled my hair and let his hand rest on the back of my neck while he said, “You’ll do it by yourself eventually.”  
  
There was that word again, eventually. Yeah, I could DEFINITELY get used to art lessons from Gerard. Especially if he keeps touching me like that.  
  
After that, he gathered up the few things he had brought over with him and headed back to his own bed, setting the supplies on his desk. He cut out the light and snuggled into bed. I listened to the sounds of his mattress as he tried to get settled in. Then he said, “Good night, Frank.” I returned the greeting. I lay there for who knows how long just taking in that musky, smoke smell of his room. In the middle of the silence, there was suddenly these soft snores coming from Gerard’s direction. I just lay there and listened to them for a while. Eventually, they lulled me off to my own dream world.  
  
I woke up this morning unsure of where I was. I knew I was at Mikey’s house, but I knew it wasn’t Mikey’s room. After only a few seconds I realized where I was and whose bedroom I was in. That suddenly forced me to remember my art lesson last night and Gerard touching me. Just then, Gerard emerges from the bathroom in his room, and says “Good morning, Frank… and Frank’s little friend.” Then he walks out of his bedroom and up the stairs. For a minute I tried to figure out who my “little friend” was. Oh my God, then I was as embarrassed as I think I’ve ever been! I was fully hard and making a tent with the blankets!  
  
I didn’t say much at breakfast, except to beg Mikey to let me come upstairs to get ready for school. He kept asking me why, and all I could reply was “Because.” He finally just rolled his eyes and said, “Fine. Whatever. Just don’t hog the bathroom.” I have never been so happy to be at school and away from somewhere.  
  
Now what do I do, Journal? How in the hell am I supposed to face Gerard again? Surely he knows that’s a common thing for guys. It has to happen to him too! Oh God, I can’t even think about that!!  
  
I am so screwed… There is no way I’m going over there for a while!


	20. June 3, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
I’m going to Hell. I guess I’ll start at where I left off a week ago.  
  
On Memorial’s Day, Mikey called and asked me if I would come help move Gerard’s boxes into the house. I think he really just wanted me to come over since I’d been avoiding his house. He’d actually been hanging out at mine the last couple of days. I still hadn’t told him why I was avoiding Gerard or that it was Gerard I was avoiding. I figured I had to go back over there eventually, so I told him I would be over shortly.  
  
I got there and literally ran into Gerard coming around the back of the truck. He grabs both of my arms to keep me from falling on the ground, which I was grateful for for all of two seconds before I realized WHO was holding me up. I just brushed him off and asked what and where we were taking the stuff. Gerard told me to just take a box and stack it with all the rest of the boxes in his room. Well, unless it had “kitchen” written on the outside. I did as I was instructed to do. I was surprised when I got down to Gerard’s room. The floor was clean, and it looked like his desk had even been cleaned off.  
  
After a few more trips, Gerard was heading out of his room as I was heading in. I thought he had left until I went to head up the stairs. He was waiting for me. He gently pushed me back in the room and asked me if I was okay. I said yeah and asked him why. He said he just got the feeling I was back to being uncomfortable around him. I tried to tell him no, but it came out all weird. He asked if this was about the “little friend” comment. Well, all I could do was blush. Here he was bringing it up again.  
  
He just wrapped his arms around me in a big hug. Apparently the Ways like to hug people, or at least Gerard does. He said, “There’s no need to be embarrassed. Hell, I wake up with morning wood every damn morning.” I’m pretty sure I turned an even darker shade of red then as my brain was trying to create mental images of Gerard with “morning wood” in my head. He let go of me and took one look at me and said, “Frank, really, I’m sorry!” He went on that if he knew I would have taken so badly, he wouldn’t have said anything. I finally shook my head and told him I would be fine and that I’m just not used to being hugged so often. Which wasn’t exactly a lie, it just wasn’t really what the problem was right then.  
  
I spent the rest of the day with Mikey and Gerard just hanging out and playing Playstation. After a while, the awkward wore off, and we were back to like it’s been being.  
  
Which leads to today… I was at graduation. I was wearing my suit Mom bought me under my gown. I did the walk across the stage and got my diploma after listening to a bunch of speeches I had no desire to listen to. Afterwards I met back up with my parents and took off that damn gown. Not long after, Mikey and all of his family came up to congratulate me while my parents did the same to Mikey. All of a sudden before I could stop him in front of my parents, Gerard hugged me. Then he ran his hands down the lapels of my jacket and told me he liked my suit and that it looked “ _good_ ” on me. I knew my parents had seen and heard this, but it was like a train wreck, I just had to look at them. Mom looked like she could kill in that moment. Another male was hugging me, touching me, and complimenting me.  
  
Once we got into the car headed back home, Mom asked me what that was all about. I lied and told her Gerard was just really friendly. Mom scoffed and then said, “I know that look in that boy’s eyes, and it was not _just_ friendly.” No one spoke the rest of the ride home.  
  
After we got home, I went to my room and changed my clothes. Mikey called and asked me if we could hang out, so I asked my parents. They said if Mikey’s brother was still there, then no. Once again, I lied to my parents and told them Gerard didn’t live there so he shouldn’t be there anymore. Mom finally gave in and told me I could go.  
  
But now she’s suspicious. And if she finds out I’ve been lying to her, I’m going to be under house arrest again. One thing Mom doesn’t tolerate is lying to her. I just hope she doesn’t find out! But I know Mom. She won’t stop digging until she has enough to put me on restriction until I turn 18 or we are moving again. Either way, it’s going to be Welcome to Hell for me.


	21. June 15, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that it has been so long since my last update. I had a sudden move arise, and all my stuff has been in boxes. But I'm back now.

Dear Journal,  
  
There’s no more practically about it. I’m living at the Ways’ house now. Mikey, Gerard, and me are all looking for a place to rent together. Hopefully Gerard will have a job before we find one. He’s been looking. So how did I end up living with the Ways? Mom and Dad kicked me out three days ago.  
  
Mom found out I had been lying to her about Gerard. How I don’t know, but she did. She confronted me about it and asked if he was my new boyfriend. Honestly, nothing I would have said would have saved me. I told her the truth, no he wasn’t. But she just said I was lying again. If I’d have told her yeah, it would have still ended with me getting kicked out. She screamed that she wasn’t going to be raising a “little liar.” I told her I wasn’t lying. Well, I actually sort of yelled it at her. Dad had been sitting at the table silent up until I raised my voice at Mom. That’s when Dad stood up and told me to get my shit and get out. Whatever. After I had got all of my stuff in my car and was making a last walk around the house to make sure I hadn’t forgot anything, Dad told me I wasn’t their son anymore, that as long as I was gay, they weren’t my parents anymore. Like they were much of parents to start with. Parenting is more than just buying a kid stuff. Even I know that!  
  
Gerard felt like shit when he found out I got kicked out of my house over him. I know because he keeps apologizing about hugging me at my graduation. I’ve told him every time that it’s not anything to worry about and that I’ve wanted out of there for a while. Mrs. Way didn’t hesitate when Mikey asked if I could live there. She asked if Gerard’s floor was still okay. Of course! My ex-parents at least let me keep my car. I mean, what were they going to do with it anyway? Both of them have cars.  
  
So here I am, living with the Ways. It’s not bad at all. Mrs. Way had a thing or two to say to Mr. Way about my parents when she thought I wasn’t listening. Apparently she thinks what they did was “a bit drastic” and then she added “What kind of parents would disown their own child, their _only_ child?” Well, mine obviously.  
  
But let’s talk about something a little better now, shall we, Journal? Gerard gave me another art lesson last night. Well, it wasn’t so much a lesson. It had more of a test feel to it. Gerard gave me a sketch book and a pencil, a charcoal pencil, and told me to draw him something. When I asked what, he said whatever I felt like drawing and that it could be anything. For the longest time, I just sat there staring at the paper trying to figure out what I could draw that wouldn’t look horrible. I finally decided I didn’t care how bad it came out, I knew what I was drawing. It was the one thing in the room that had held my attention the longest, Gerard’s hands.  
  
He was stretched out on his bed with his head at the foot of it drawing his own picture, so I had a great view of his hands and how he held his pencil in that “artistic” way. At first, I tried to not let him see me looking at him, but his eyes met mine a couple of times. He didn’t seem to mind me looking at him, so I gave up trying to be discreet and just started looking at him when I needed to. The only thing is that I wished I could have captured that way his hands moved, so graceful like he had been drawing his whole life. Well, I guess he probably has been, but you know what I mean, Journal.  
  
When I was finally somewhat happy with my drawing, I announced I was done. He sort of raised an eyebrow and just looked at me for a minute. He sat up on his bed and patted the spot beside him. Then he said, “Well, let’s see it.” I sat down beside him and handed over what I had done. After he had been looking at it for a few minutes, I started feeling self-conscious. What I had drawn barely even looked like hands, and it certainly didn’t have the level of detail Gerard’s drawings have. He finally took a deep breath in through his nose and turned to look at me. All the muscles in my body went tight as I waited for him to criticize what I had done. Instead he asked, “Why this?” I stuttered back, “What?” He looked back at my drawing and asked again, “Why this? Why my hands? Why not a nature scene or a character out of your imagination? Or my face? Why my hands?”  
  
I couldn’t come up with a lie that was convincing in a second’s worth of thought, so I told him the truth. Well, part of the truth. His hands are graceful the way he moves them when he draws. They have something about them that makes me want to have hands like his. The part I left out was how I wanted to touch those hands and have them touch me. He flexed one of his hands in front of my drawing and then looked at my drawing. I don’t know what he was doing. He looked at me again and told me I did a good job. I half laughed at him and told him it sucked. He looked back down at my drawing and said he agreed it wasn’t the best drawing he had seen. Um, didn’t he just tell me I did good? And now he’s taking it back?  
  
But then he clarified for me. I had picked something that meant something to me. I had chose to draw something that “evoked emotions” from me. And according to the philosophy of Gerard, or for all I know it could be art philosophy, all artists should draw something that has meaning to the artist himself. If what the artist is drawing or painting or sculpting has no meaning, it will show in the “final product.”  
  
Then he confused me again. He said, “While my hands might not hold the meaning for you that I want them to, they still have some meaning. That’s good enough for now.” I asked him what meaning _he_ wanted his hands to hold for me. He just smiled at me and told me that was a lesson for another day. What other meaning are his hands supposed to have? And why wouldn’t he tell me?  
  
We went to bed soon after that. Like I’ve done for the last three nights, I let the sound of his snoring carry me off to sleep. I love sleeping in Gerard’s room.


	22. July 13, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Sorry it’s been almost a month since I last wrote anything to you. I’ve been busy with work and trying to help Gerard and Mikey find a place for us to live. Who knew three bedroom places were so expensive! For the time being, I’m still staying in Gerard’s floor on the Ways’ air mattress.  
  
Gerard might have found a job. He had an interview with DC comic books a few days ago. It’s just an “entry level” position, whatever that means, but they asked him to come back with some of his drawings for a second interview. If they are going off his drawings as to whether or not they hire him, then he’s definitely got the job! Gerard draws as good, if not better, than most of the comic book artists whose comics I read. That’s where he’s at now, the second interview. And Mikey had to work today, but I was off. So I’m just chilling in mine and Gerard’s room. Well, technically just Gerard’s room.  
  
Gerard has shown me a few more things about art, but he hasn’t made any mention of the whole “meaning of his hands” thing. I kind of want to ask him again, but I doubt I’d get an answer if I asked him. But that’s part of the reason I’m writing you, Journal. Something happened last night. I don’t know what to think of it, and I have no one I can ask about it.  
  
Gerard and I were talking about textures in drawings and how to create different ones. I had been working on some different exercises he had given me to do. When I was done, I made my way to his bed and sat down to show him. He looked at it and told me I did pretty good on all except for one of them. He showed me again how to do it, and then had me try again while I was sitting there beside him. When I got done, I turned to look at him. He wasn’t even looking at my work, he was looking at my face, like he had been studying me or something. I quickly looked away, and I know I blushed because I could feel the heat radiating off my face.  
  
Then he put a hand on the opposite side of my face, pulled my attention back to him, and put his lips over mine. At first, neither of us moved our lips. We just sat there letting our lips touch. Gerard is actually the one that had the courage to do something more, and he gently pressed his lips harder into mine and started kissing me. GERARD KISSED ME, JOURNAL! And do you know what I did? Nothing! I just sat there and let him kiss me! I didn’t even kiss him back! How STUPID can I get?!  
  
I don’t know if it was that I wasn’t kissing him back or if he just realized what he was doing or how old I was or what, but he suddenly pulled away and stuttered out an apology before running into his bathroom. Literally, running! I felt like such an idiot for not letting him know that I liked it or that I wanted him to keep doing! Hell, I’d have let him do that ALL NIGHT! He finally came back out of the bathroom, mumbled something about finishing our lesson some other time, and went to bed.  
  
I was left sitting in the dark wondering what in the hell just happened! I sat there for a while trying to figure out what to do. I finally knew what I was going to do about it. I listened for a second to see if I could hear Gerard snoring, but he was quiet so I knew he was still awake.  
  
I stood up as quietly as I could from my bed. After sitting in the dark for so long, my eyes were adjusted to the dark, so I looked to see which way Gerard was facing. He was laying on his right side, so I went to the side of the bed he was facing. I sat down beside him. He called my name as if he was questioning me, but I couldn’t answer or even think about it or I knew I would stop what I was doing. He kind of rolled over a little to look at me in the dark and put his hand on my knee. I could feel his hand shaking against my leg through my pajama pants.  
  
I leaned down and was instantly surrounded by his smell. If I thought his room smelled good, his bed and pillows smelled amazing! Not allowing any thoughts to enter my mind and deter me from my coming action, I put my hand on his cheek and leaned in closer. It was awkward at first, as I pressed my lips to his because I only caught the side of his mouth in the darkness. He turned his head a little to correct the positioning, and our lips pressed harder together. This time _I_ made the first move and started moving my lips. I felt him hum into my mouth, but I couldn’t hear it over my heart beating in my ears.  
  
After kissing for some amount of time, I have no clue how long as I was sort of lost in what was happening, I felt Gerard start to get into it more, and his hand slid up my thigh and over my hip. Suddenly he jerked his hand away from my ass and his lips away from my lips. I put my hand over his and put his hand back on my ass. He seemed really nervous and stiff. After just a few seconds, his touch loosened up and his lips found mine in the dark again. This time, though, he got a little more daring. His tongue rubbed over my lips a couple of times before he used it to push my lips apart. I opened my mouth to let him do his thing, but I didn’t know what to do.  
  
Christian is the only other person I have ever kissed. And we never used our tongues so all of this was new to me. And really weird! At first all I could taste was that cigarette smell. But after a little longer, I could taste this sweet taste, like Gerard had just ate some candy or something else sweet. Occasionally I would try to repeat what he was doing to me, but for the most part, I just let Gerard do his thing. I have nothing to compare it to, but Gerard seemed REALLY good at what he was doing!  
  
I kissed him until my lips hurt. As a matter of fact, they still hurt a little bit today. Apparently I fell asleep in his bed last night. When I woke up this morning, Gerard was still asleep beside me with his arm draped over my waist. I did my best to climb out of the bed without disturbing him, and I went to take a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, Gerard was almost dressed, pulling his shirt on over his head. He kind of blushed just a little when he saw me and told me good morning. I returned the statement, thinking the whole time to myself that it wasn’t a “good” morning, it was a fucking “GREAT” morning!  
  
But now Gerard seems a bit stand-off-ish towards me. Did I do something wrong? Is he mad that I fell asleep in his bed? I don’t know what to do! Do I say something? Do I wait for him to say something?  
  
I REALLY need someone to talk to about all this! Maybe I can talk to Mikey. No I can’t!! It’s Mikey’s fucking brother! That would be super weird! OH! I know! I’ll talk to Alicia!  
  
I’m going to call her, Journal. I’ll talk to you later. I promise!


	23. July 14, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Gerard got the job! The one at DC Comics! He starts next week! Isn’t that great, Journal? He said it’s not his dream job, though. All he’ll be doing is touching up other people’s artwork. But at least it’s a start in the comic industry. That’s what he wants to do after all. Draw comics. I think he’d be really good at it too. Maybe this will give him the chance he needs to get into that.  
  
I talked to Alicia last night. She wasn’t much help other than to listen to me ramble on and on about it and be a supportive friend. But she doesn’t think I should wait for Gerard to say something if it’s what I want. She told me that I should let Gerard know it’s what I want. Even if it’s not so much a serious relationship, I need to let him know I want to explore that possibility with him. She told me that from what she knows about Gerard, he can be really introverted and needs the other person to help him out a little sometimes. Okay, so maybe she was a little bit helpful.  
  
But the question neither of us could answer is how to let Gerard know this. Christian made the first moves with me. I never had to start anything. He had had prior boyfriends, so he knew what to do. I finally decided I was just going to talk to Gerard. Since I’m so inexperienced, I didn’t think I wanted to try to make a physical move. Plus, that might make things worse with Gerard.  
  
Gerard practically never leaves his room except to eat. So I knew I would find him down there when I got off work today. Mikey tried to get me to play some games with him, but I told him I wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to lay down for a bit. He seemed a bit down when I said that, so I told him I would come up later on this evening to play games with him. He nodded his head and went on up to his room. I headed towards the steps leading to Gerard’s room and went down them, stopping to take a couple of deep breathes before I went in. I was nervous as all hell! All of a sudden, I saw Gerard stick his head around the corner of his door. He said, “I thought I heard someone come down the steps. What are you just standing right here for?” I swallowed hard and replied in the calmest voice I could muster that I wanted to talk to him about the night before. He quickly turned around and walked back into his room. I followed him on in.  
  
He sat down on his bed. I debated for a minute if I should sit down or not. I decided I’d rather not be towering above him during this conversation. Well, towering as much as my short frame would let me. As soon as I sat down, Gerard started talking really fast about how he shouldn’t have done that and that he didn’t want to make me feel like I had to do it back and how he was happy to teach me art stuff without me _having_ to do anything in return for him. I finally cut him off, asking him if he really thought I felt forced the second time, the time that  _I_ started it. He wouldn’t even look at me. He just kept rubbing his palms really hard up and down his jeans.

Then he said something I was NOT expecting. “Frank, I don’t know what I’m doing.” Suddenly I had a million questions about what that meant. But first, I just wanted him to look at me. I put my hand over his that was still rubbing his jeans like he was trying to rub a hole through them and asked him to please look at me. I visibly saw him swallow before he did. Then I was even more puzzled. He looked as scared as I felt! So I asked, “Do I look mad or hurt or any other emotion that would make you think I didn’t want what happened the other night?” He looked at me carefully for a minute before he shook his head no. I replied, “Okay then. So tell me what you mean by you don’t know what you’re doing.”

He took a deep breath, let it out as a sigh, and then started talking, much more calmly this time. Apparently Gerard’s ex, Bob, was like Christian. He had been the one to approach Gerard and get their relationship started. Gerard said he had had other boyfriends before Bob, but that he hadn’t been nearly as serious with any of them as he had been with Bob. I told him I understood that because I’ve never really had _any_ serious relationships. Gerard asked me about Christian. He said he was under the impression that that had been pretty serious. I scoffed and told him that apparently I was the only one serious in that relationship and that we had never done anything remotely close to what Gerard and I had done. I went on that I had come to realize that it was nothing more than a high school fling that didn’t even include sex.

By the time I stopped talking and looked back at Gerard, Gerard had this look of what I can only call horror written all over his face. I finally asked him what. He stuttered, “You’ve never frenched anyone before the other night?” I suddenly saw what he was getting at. I grabbed his hand in mine and told him that it was okay, that I liked it. That in fact, I really want him to do it again! Then he went, “Wait, wait, wait. Frank, have you ever even had sex before? With a guy or a girl?” I kind of laughed at first. I had to answer the second question first. I told Gerard that I’ve never found girls very interesting, much less attractive in any way, and that I’ve always known I was into boys. I paused, and Gerard said that didn’t answer his question. So to make things just a little more awkward, Gerard asked, “Frank, are you still a… a virgin?” It was my turn to not be able to look at him. I just nodded my head.

I expected Gerard to get more upset at that, but he calmly took my hand in his and told me that was okay. Apparently he thought he needed to let me know that wasn’t a bad thing, but I already knew that. I haven’t had that right person come along yet. So I told him that. Then I added, “I’m assuming you’re not one?” That blush crossed Gerard’s cheeks again. He said no, that Bob had been his third. Just to break the tension, I told him he could teach me more than art now. Gerard said he liked that idea a lot.

We just sat in silence for a while until Gerard said, “You’re sweet, Frank. Thank you for coming and talking to me.” Then he kissed my forehead. It took me a minute to finally ask him if we were like dating or something now. He said “Something like that.” He pulled me into a hug that I returned this time. I swear Gerard gives the BEST hugs! He’s just so willing and free about it. Gerard lit a cigarette and then told me I had better go play games with Mikey before Mikey has a heart attack. I laughed and headed on towards Mikey’s room.

When I walked in, Mikey asked me if I was feeling better. I told him much better. We picked out a game and started playing. After an hour or so of us not really talking about anything but games, Mikey breaks the silence with “If you hurt my brother, I’ll hurt you.” It was just out of the blue! And how does Mikey even KNOW? I just found out myself! It’s like Mikey has some psychic powers or something! I turned to look at Mikey, and he just had this stupid grin on his face. Then he said, “I told you from the start you two would get along famously.”

So I guess I have a boyfriend again. And hopefully this relationship will go better than the last one. I’m going to bed now. And yes, Journal, I’m still on the air mattress in Gerard’s floor. Don’t think I’m sleeping in his bed on a regular basis! Yet!


	24. July 15, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Something wonderful happened this morning! I got up like I always do. Gerard was in the bathroom. I knew because I could hear him moving around in there. I got all stretched out and started heading towards the steps. All of sudden I hear Gerard call out, “Wait up!” I turned around, and he was hurrying back into the bedroom from the bathroom. Shirtless! Oh my God! He looked absolutely amazing! But that’s not what this is about. Anyway, I waited for him to pull a t-shirt over his head. Then he strolled over to me and laced his fingers between mine. He was holding my hand! I stood there for a few seconds just looking at our hands together. Gerard asked if we were going to go get some breakfast or just stand there holding hands.  
  
I finally managed to blink myself out of my stare and stutter I wasn’t sure if it was such a good idea, us being seen holding hands. Apparently I had forgotten where I was and just who was upstairs. Gerard smiled at me and placed a quick kiss on my lips. Then he said, “They’re not _your_ parents. They’re _my_ parents, and my parents aren’t severe assholes like yours are. I promise you it’ll be okay.” I took a deep breath and nodded. We started walking up the stairs together. The closer to the top we got, the harder my heart banged in my chest. I had NO CLUE how they, or Mikey, were going to react. I mean, Mikey pretty much gave me his approval yesterday, but this seemed different somehow.  
  
We got to the top of the steps, and Gerard didn’t let go of my hand. I kind of trailed behind him with our hands still held together between us. Instead of going straight to the table and sitting down like always, Gerard stops at the edge of the kitchen and says, “Morning, Ma!” I have no idea where Mr. Way was this morning. I know sometimes he has to be at work early. Anyway, Mrs. Way half looked over at us from her cooking, and then she did a double take. In that one second of her taking in the scene, I thought my heart was going to either stop beating all together or explode from my nerves. Then that second passed, and Mrs. Way smiled the biggest smile and said, “I see someone has a new love interest.” I don’t know who she was talking about specifically, but I think it was Gerard. I felt Gerard give my hand a little squeeze, and he whispered, “Breathe.” I wasn’t even aware I hadn’t been until Gerard said something.  
  
If that had been _my_ parents—excuse me, my EX-parents—there would have been a screaming match that ended with me being dead! Or worse! At that moment, Mikey walked in and said, “Ugh! I see the payback is already starting.” Mikey sat down at the table, and Gerard and me followed. Mrs. Way started putting down plates of bacon, toast, and eggs on the table. Mikey started to dig in, then stopped, looked dead at Gerard, and said, “I thought I told you not to be stealing my only friend.” Gerard picked up a piece of toast with his free hand, as his other hand was still holding tightly to mine, and threw it at Mikey, saying, “You can still be friends with him! He’s not a piece of property to be had.”  
  
Mrs. Way made her way to the table with some butter and jelly and sat down. She made herself a plate. We all did the same after her. Then she asked when all of this had happened. Gerard filled her in, leaving out some of the more graphic details. I shoved a fork full of eggs in my mouth right as Mrs. Way said, “I don’t want to hear any fucking noises, so make sure you keep it down down there.” I kid you not, Journal! And she said it like she would say we were having nice weather or something. I literally choked on my eggs! Gerard started slapping my back while Mikey sat across from us watching the whole scene and LAUGHING at me! I finally managed to clear my throat and get a drink of orange juice. Mrs. Way was just looking at me. I’m not sure what kind of look it was, but I think it was concern.  
  
After Gerard made sure I was okay, he explained to Mrs. Way how my ex-parents were. I thought she already knew, but apparently she only knew half of the story. Occasionally Mikey would throw something in, considering he was really the only other person at the table that had had any real contact with my ex-parents. When both of them were done, Mrs. Way looked at me and said, “Poor child! Well, don’t you worry. We’re very opened minded people. Love is love, no matter the gender.” I really wanted to hug her right then for some reason, but I didn’t. I just smiled and thanked her. I wasn’t sure what else to say.  
  
The rest of breakfast was filled with conversation about what everyone had planned for the day. When we were all done eating, I helped Mrs. Way clear off the table and offered to do dishes. She politely declined but told Gerard he needed to hang on to me, that I was “a keeper.” Then I said, “Thank you for the breakfast, Mrs. Way.” She stopped working on the dishes, turned to face me, and said, “If you’re dating one of my sons, you had better call me Donna. And my husband is Don.”  
  
That’s going to take some getting used to, Journal, calling them Don and Donna. I’ve been calling them “Mr. and Mrs. Way” for months! Over 8 months to be exact!  
  
Anyways, me and Mikey had to get ready for work after that. Mikey went up to his room, and Gerard and me headed back down to his. Gerard got some of his art supplies, and I gathered up my work clothes and started heading towards the bathroom. Gerard said, “You can change in here. I won’t look… much.” Okay, Journal, no one has seen me naked in like… well, since I was a baby, so I didn’t know what to do. I finally figured I wasn’t exactly going to be naked though, I would still have my underwear on, so I started to undress. At first Gerard didn’t pay me much attention. Until I started pulling my pajama pants off. That’s when I noticed him stealing glances over the edge of his sketch book. I got my work clothes on, and turned and asked Gerard if he liked the show. He smirked and said very much.  
  
Then he put his pad down and motioned for me to come over there. So I did. He pulled me into a hug to kiss me, pulling me down into his lap. As soon as I fell, I knew exactly what I was feeling. Gerard was hard. I mean, full attention hard. I gathered all the courage I had and ran my hand down between his legs. Suddenly his smirk was gone, and he started grasping for my hand. When he finally managed to get a hold of it, he moved my hand back up to his chest. I looked at him confused. All he said was, “Not yet, Frank.”  
  
Don’t get me wrong, Journal. I’m not ready to have sex with him either, but I swear Gerard is afraid of sex stuff with me or something. Is it because I’m a virgin? Why does he get so weird when things go a little farther than before? It’s not like I stuck my hand down his pants and actually touched him down there. I don’t know, maybe I’m just imagining things.  
  
Not counting that one awkward moment though, it was really a great morning! Well, I’ve spent my whole lunch break writing this, and it’s over now. I have to get back to work. Talk to you later!


	25. July 30, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Gerard got his first paycheck from his new job today. It was only for one week, though. He gets paid every two weeks instead of every week like Mikey and me. We all are saving part of our paychecks to get enough for our own place. But Gerard wanted to go to the mall today. Not to buy anything particular, I think he just wanted to go out somewhere. I mean, he has been in that basement for practically two months straight. Even recluses need time outside sometimes!  
  
Anyway, we kind of made it a double date with Mikey and Alicia. We walked around and looked in the game store, but there weren’t any games we wanted that Mikey didn’t already have. At one point, we all decided we were hungry, so we went to the food court. Gerard held my hand the entire time. Even when we were eating. I don’t know how he eats with one hand, and his left one at that. I’m using my right hand, and it’s still hard.  
  
But two things happened at the mall. After we were done eating, we started to head back the way we came. Three guys approached Gerard, and he greeted them like he knew them. After only asking how they were and listening to their answers, Gerard tells Mikey, Alicia, and me all of their names, and honestly I don’t remember even one of them. They are some guys from his college, and he had a few classes with them. Then he looks at them and introduces Mikey and Alicia before he says, “…and this is my special friend, Frank.” Okay, so maybe I’m being a bit… call me whatever you want… What in the fuck is “special friend”? I call him my boyfriend. Does he not call me the same? I tried not to let it get to me. I mean, they could clearly see we were together! We were holding hands! And I tried to give Gerard the benefit of the doubt, that maybe these guys didn’t know Gerard was gay or something. He might be open about it, but I doubt Gerard, being the person he is, advertises this to the world.  
  
But still, I wanted him to use that specific word to define me and our relationship, boyfriend. I know he uses it as I’ve heard him call Bob his boyfriend. And he’s talked about other “boyfriends.” So why am I the “special friend”? Like I said, I tried to let it go. I didn’t try to correct him or anything. And the only reason I’m telling you, Journal, is because I need to say it somewhere. I need to get it out of my head so I can move on. Besides, “special friend” was nothing compared to what happened next.  
  
Gerard kept on talking to them for a few minutes. He told them about his new job at DC Comics. One of the other guys said he had gotten a job at a comic company I had never heard of as an illustrator. I think Gerard’s job is better. I mean, he might not be illustrating yet, but he works at one of the top comic book companies. If he does his thing, he can be drawing major comics one day. So they finished up their catch-up. I mean, it’s only been a couple months since they’ve seen each other. They didn’t have much to catch-up on. We went on our way, and they went on theirs.  
  
After walking another little bit and listening to Gerard tells stories about the three guys we just met —they seemed like they might have been fun to hang with, playing jokes and stuff all the time—Mikey suddenly starts pushing us into this low-end shoe store, the kind of store that sell knock-offs. Gerard and me both look at him confused. I look to Alicia, and she is staring down the way and her eyes are huge. I look in the direction Alicia is staring, and my heart stopped. I mean, I seriously could not breathe anymore. My ex-parents were walking straight toward us. And they were looking right at me! Gerard is now the only one not understanding the situation yet. I mean he had only met my ex-parents the one time, and he wasn’t really paying them much attention then. I squeeze his hand hard and tried to scream and whisper at the same time, “My parents!” As casual as always, Gerard says, “So? They disowned you and kicked you out. What are they going to do, start a scene in a public place?” Then he let go of my hand, wrapped his arm around me to tuck us as close together as possible, and kept walking straight ahead.  
  
I just clung to Gerard for dear life. I picked a spot on the wall past where my ex-parents were and tried to stare a hole in it. It was all I could do so that I wouldn’t be tempted to look at them. If they disowned me, I didn’t have to acknowledge their presence, right? But I could still feel them looking at me and Gerard. And I heard Mom say, “But that’s just _disgusting_!” to my Dad. But Gerard was right. That was the worst my ex-parents could do in such a public setting. They couldn’t have started a scene.  
  
After that, there was no discussion. We all knew it was time to leave the mall. As we were nearing the exit, Mikey says, “Man, I thought your parents were going to explode! You totally ruined their day!” Honestly, Journal, I don’t care if I did or not. I just wanted to throw up. I was seriously sick! Even after they kicked me out without caring if I had a place to go or not, even after they disowned me, I am still afraid of being myself in front of them. It took Gerard making me stand up to them to be able to walk past them in the mall holding onto Gerard.  
  
I’m disappointed in myself. I wasn’t even holding on to Gerard to make a statement to my parents or because I really like him or because we are together now, special friends or boyfriends or whatever in the fuck Gerard want to call us! I was holding on so tightly to Gerard to keep from falling apart, to keep from running away from him.  
  
I feel like I let GERARD down! And I don’t even know how to tell him what I did.  
  
I HATE MY PARENTS! My EX-parents! Why can they not just love me, Journal? Why do I have to be who they want me to be for them to accept me? But most importantly, why can I not let them go as easily as they seem to have let me go?  
  
Now, I’m crying! God, I am such a fucking pansy! And Gerard is acting like he’s drawing, but I know he’s watching me. I can see the concern written all over his face. Now he’s coming over here. I’ve got to go, Journal.


	26. July 31, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading this as I am posting it, please note that I added four new chapters today. It is my apology for making you wait a month for an update! So make sure you go back to the chapter dated July 14, 1999 and read from there!
> 
> Again my apologies! And loves to all!!  
> Miz

Dear Journal,  
  
I’m snuggled up in Gerard’s bed under Gerard’s sheets remembering Gerard’s smell. I can’t actually smell anything this morning because my nose is so stopped up. If it weren’t for that and my eyes being red and puffy from so much crying last night, I might actually be happy. Since it’s Saturday, Gerard has the day off. Without asking me, he cut off my alarm and called me in sick to work today. He’s in the shower right now, so I don’t have a lot of time. I mean, he doesn’t care if I lay here and write to you, but I do.  
  
So last night, he walked over to my air mattress on the floor. As soon as he sat down beside me and wrapped his arms around me, I fell completely apart! I cried and snotted all over him, but he didn’t seem to care. He just kept holding me and rocking me. At one point, he actually pulled a shirt out of one of his piles and gave it to me to blow my nose on. When I finally got calmed down a little bit, I snuggled further into his chest. I had left you open, so I don’t know if he had been reading what I wrote or not, but he starts stroking my hair and says, “You don’t hate your parents.” I took a shuddery breath and mumbled that I wished they were dead. Again, he says, “No you don’t, or you wouldn’t care so much what they think.” I swear, if anyone else on the planet had said that to me right then, I would have went off on them. But Gerard’s voice was so soft and soothing, and his body felt so comforting wrapped around mine.  
  
He shifted for a second then said we should move to his bed. It was bigger and much more comfortable. I agreed his bed was better, so we unfolded long enough to move to Gerard’s bed. As soon I laid down, Gerard was wrapped around me again. It was quiet for a while. I just listened to the steady beating of his heart, as it was the only sound I could hear in the whole room. Then Gerard spoke again. “This isn’t just about your parents, though. You’ve been dealing with them for a while, and I’ve never seen you break down before. So what else is this about, Frankie?” At first I didn’t answer, but it was because he had called me Frankie. That was the first time he had ever called me anything other than “Frank” or “Mikey’s friend”. But all that did was make me feel worse. I felt tears fill my eyes again. I wiped them away and told Gerard it was nothing.  
  
I thought he had bought it. He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. But then he said I could tell him anything and that he couldn’t fix it if he didn’t know what “it” was. After another few minutes of me refusing to talk, he finally said, “I know where your journal is, Frankie. You left it on your bed wide open. If you don’t tell me, I’ll go find out for myself.” I knew he was joking. I could hear him smiling at me. But still, there are other things in here that I DON’T want him to know, things I’ve said about HIM before I really knew him, when I thought he was scary and creepy. Now he’s just plain weird, but in a good way. Anyway, that was enough to get me to open my mouth. I really didn’t know where to start, so I just said it. I told him I had let both of us down at the mall. He shifted so he could look at me and then asked how I let us down. So I told him.  
  
I told him how I was clinging to him only to keep myself together and to not run away from him, how I wasn’t holding on to him for any other reason. I told him that the fistful of his t-shirt I had been holding onto was literally my anchor. I told him what I had heard Mom say about us. I told him that if he hadn’t made me keep walking, I would have hid from them like the coward I am. He kissed my forehead and said, “That’s not true. You‘re not a coward.” All I had just said, and _that_ was where he chose to start? But I waited to see what else he was going to say. After what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few seconds, he said, “You didn’t run away, and you didn’t hide.” Then he put his head on top of mine and settled in.  
  
I thought about what he said for a while. Does it really not matter why I was holding on to Gerard to be able to walk past my ex-parents? Does the fact that I found a way, _any_ way, to hold my ground really make me not a coward? Gerard interrupted my thoughts with, “I have a confession of my own.” I wasn’t expecting that! What did he do that needed confessing? He lifted his head off mine and started talking. The first thing he said was he knew what he was doing to me in the mall and how bad it was going to hurt me. At that, I slid away from him a little. But he let me move away and kept on talking. He said he could feel me squirming under his touch once I knew just who was there, even before he knew who was there, but once he did know, he knew I needed more support, emotionally and physically, than just holding his hand would offer, so he put his arm around me to hold me up and keep me together.  
  
He kept going, saying it wasn’t his parents that put him there, but he had been in my shoes before. He had been shunned by someone he had cared for deeply for simply being gay and that he knows how bad it hurts, but he also knew I’d never be able to move on if I didn’t take a first step in facing my problem. So that’s what he gave me. He helped me take that first step that he had to take alone. I asked him who it was, but all he would say was “people that don’t matter so much anymore.”  
  
He started fixing the blanket around and over me, and I could tell he needed forgiveness as much as I had needed it just a few minutes ago. So I wiggled back across the bed and snuggled into his side again. He seemed to relax a little when I did. We didn’t say anything else. I wanted to ask about the special friend thing, but at the same time, I felt some sort of peace with myself for the first time in a long time, and I just wasn’t willing to risk losing that over something as dumb as a title. He can call me his dumbass if he wants to.  
  
When I realized I could barely keep my eyes open anymore, I started trying to wiggle out of the covers. Gerard asked me what I was doing. I told him I was going to bed before I fell asleep in his bed again. He untangled the blankets for me, but said, “You can sleep here if you want.” I was still wearing my jeans, so I at least needed to get up to get my bed clothes on. As I stood up, it didn’t work out well, and I fell heavily back on the bed. Gerard laughed slightly. He got up off the bed and got my pajama bottoms, but he couldn’t find my shirt. He gave them to me, and I took to trying to get my clothes changed while he grabbed him some clothes and headed for the bathroom. After arguing with my legs a bit, I finally managed to get my pants on, and I snuggled back into Gerard’s bed to wait for him.  
  
I remember stirring when he slid back into the bed. I remember him putting his arm around me and kissing my bare shoulder. I swear I can even remember him saying that _now_ I was his boyfriend, but that was probably just a dream.


	27. August 11, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Things are going pretty well. Mikey and me have been working more hours while we can get them during the summer. Once school starts back up, we’ll have to cut down again. I don’t think I told you… Mikey got accepted to Essex. It’s just a two year school, but they have the best transfer rate around, so hopefully he’ll be able to transfer after the first year.  
  
I know you want to know how things are going with Gerard. They’re pretty much the same as before. We spend a lot of time either talking or kissing. We’ve both been testing each other to see what we can get away with. Short of being completely naked or having sex, I pretty much let Gerard do what he wants to me, which is far less than I’d like. And that really goes the other way, too. I wish he felt more comfortable with me. I still haven’t figured out what that is about. I haven’t really asked, though, because I don’t think I’m ready to really move things along much further than they are anyway. I’m wondering if this is just Gerard or if it has something to do with me.  
  
I’ve only spent two other nights in his bed since that horrible night after the mall incident. But it’s not something we do regularly. If it happens, we’re okay with it, but neither of us forces it to happen. I get the feeling Gerard wants me up there with him more often than not. This last time I slept in his bed, I was almost asleep when I heard him call me. I grunted out a reply. He said, “Come sleep with me. I’m cold.” Yeah. It’s hot outside, in the middle of summer, and he has plenty of blankets in his room. But really, I wanted up there too. I stumbled into his bed and snuggled up. By the time I fell asleep, we were both sweaty. So much for his “cold” excuse. But I’m not complaining.  
  
I hate days like today. Gerard’s job is office hours, but mine flip-flops with the days. So I’ve been here all day, while he’s been at work. I have to be at work an hour before he gets off. By the time I get home, he’ll already be in the bed asleep, preparing for tomorrow. Some days he waits up for me, but these sort of days aren’t all too often so I tell him not to worry about doing that. But I won’t get to see him again until tomorrow evening.  
  
But it hasn’t been a bad day. I’ve hung out with Mikey and Alicia all day. This morning, Alicia and I played some guitar. She taught me a new riff. I completely screwed it up. She laughed at me. Then we all played some video games for a while. It was nice to spend a day with Mikey for a change. I mean, just because I’m now in whatever kind of relationship this is I have with Gerard doesn’t mean I want to stop hanging out with Mikey. After all, Mikey is my best friend!  
  
Even though Gerard had to work today, Mikey and me had an appointment to go look at a house on Salter Place. It was advertised as a three bedroom. The rent is close to what we wanted to pay. The neighborhood’s not bad, considering we already know it. The house is literally just down the street from Don and Donna’s place. We talked to the guy renting it out, and he said he didn’t mind renting to the three of us, even though we have no prior rental history. He said we all three had jobs, so that counted for something. So me and Mikey went to check the place out. It was definitely doable. Until we started looking for the third bedroom. It only has two. I was kind of disappointed.  
  
We haven’t got to tell Gerard yet. I know he was hoping it was going to work out. Mikey said we can tell Gerard about it tomorrow and start looking again. There are a few other houses we have been looking at, but they are more expensive. Hopefully we can find something soon.  
  
Well, Journal, I know this is short, but I have to get ready for work. Otherwise I’m going to be late. And if I’m late, I make Mikey late. And if Mikey’s late for work, he’ll bitch at me the rest of the night about making him late. I think I’m going to make sure Mikey’s NOT late for work so I can have a good evening.  
  
Bye, Journal.


	28. August 13, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Gerard doesn’t care that the house on Salter Place is a two bedroom. He came up with a plan to make it work. He and I will share a bedroom still. I asked how he planned on that. I told him I really wanted a real bed for a change and I wasn’t sure either of the bedrooms was big enough for his queen bed and a twin for me. Gerard acted like he was thinking about it for a minute, but I could tell by the look on his face that he knew what he wanted to say as soon as I had finished my statement. He finally said, “We can share my bed. It’s big enough for us both.”  
  
My first reaction was “Of course!” But before I could get the words out of my mouth, my brain had a second thought. “Really? Should I?” I told him I would think about it. But I plan on doing no thinking. I’m going to test things out tonight. I’m not going to ask or give warning or anything. I’m just going to get ready for bed and climb into his. And I’m going to see how far I can push things with Gerard. I mean, with the rate we’ve been going, I know he will stop me before actual sex, but I’m just curious how far he’s willing to let things go if he’s willing to share a bed with me now.  
  
And yes, Journal, I have thought about what happens if I’m wrong. If Gerard doesn’t stop me, I’ll eventually stop him. But my goal is to have both of us down to boxers before we stop. That’s a lot further than we’ve been so far. The most we have done has been kissing, some over the clothes touching with no contact down there, and sleeping together fully clothed.  
  
Don’t judge me, Journal. I know what I’m doing. I know two grown, gay men in a relationship sleeping in the same bed is going to lead to more sooner than either of us think. And some of those steps… okay, MOST of those steps are steps I’ve never taken before. I kind of feel like if Gerard is willing to share his bed with me, though, he needs to be, not so much _willing_ to do more, but comfortable if those things were to happen. And really, I should be too. I’m not sure if _I_ am willing to go that far yet. I guess we’ll see tonight.  
  
Well, depending on this little experiment of mine and if it goes well, we can move in this first week of September. Mine and Mikey’s classes don’t start until the second week of September. And it’s not like we have tons of things to move. Don and Donna (God, that’s still weird to write!) said we can have all the furniture in Mikey and Gerard’s rooms. And Donna knows of a lady trying to get rid of a sofa we can have. Add Mikey’s TV and video games to the living room, and I’m pretty sure we have the basics we need to get started. We’re going to have to buy some kitchen stuff, but that’s about it that I can think of.  
  
I’m really worried about tonight, Journal. I mean, if it goes badly, it’ll be a good thing that we know that before we commit to renting this house. But what if badly means bad for mine and Gerard’s relationship? I really haven’t talk to Gerard about his bedroom hang-ups, so I don’t know what the issue is. Or issues. But more than that, what happens if things go TOO well? Is Gerard really that “right person” for me? I mean, I plan on stopping before sex, but let’s face it, Journal. I’m a horny teenager that has been looking for that right person for a while. Am I really ready if things get to a point of no return tonight? As they say, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Just because I intend to stop things doesn’t mean I will have the willpower to stop things if things are going well. My whole plan will then rely on my assumption that Gerard’s issue or issues, whatever those might be, will stop us.  
  
Shit! The more I think about this, the more nervous I get. This can go REALLY BAD!!  
  
God! What do I DO?


	29. August 14, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *NOTE* I posted three chapters today. So make sure you go start with the twenty-seventh chapter dated August 11, 1999. Thanks!
> 
> Hugs and loves!  
> Miz

It took some nerve, time, and coaxing myself into it, but I put my plan into action last night. As soon I climbed into bed in my day clothes, Gerard asks, “So does this mean you’re taking me up on my offer?” I just said back, “I’m not sure yet. I still have to change my clothes.” Gerard just kind of hmm’ed in reply. So I snuggled up facing him and got comfortable. I did my usual “I want to make out” things, rubbing his side over his shirt and looking at his lips. He was just watching me. After all, I’m pretty sure he knew what I wanted. This is not the first time I’ve done this to him.  
  
He finally said, “Are you going to kiss me or just imagine kissing me?” I smirked and leaned into his lips. It wasn’t long before we added our tongues into the action. I’m still trying to figure it out, but I think I’m getting there. Gerard doesn’t complain at least. We kissed for a while before I finally talked myself into doing more. Then it was only a LITTLE more. I slid my hand down his side and then ran it back up under his t-shirt over his bare skin. I felt him tense a little at the skin to skin contact, but he didn’t stop me. He also didn’t return the action on me.  
  
I got a little more confident, and I slid my hand over to his chest and rubbed my thumb over his hard nipple. At first, he instinctively broke the kiss and inhaled sharply. I guess Gerard likes to have his nipples played with. God knows I like to play with my own sometimes when I’m… you know, doing _other_ things. But I know they can get sensitive after too long, so I alternated rubbing his side and playing with his nipple. By now, we’re back to kissing again. STILL, he wouldn’t touch me skin to skin.  
  
I finally broke the kissing off with a short peck, and I started sitting up and pulling at my shirt. Gerard suddenly looked really uncomfortable and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was taking my shirt off, what else did it look like. He said something to effect of “Frank, I… you… um, that’s…” I didn’t wait to see what he had to say. I just pulled my shirt off over my head and told him I wanted to feel his hands on me. I laid back down beside him, but he seemed stiff. I expected this though, so it didn’t really faze me any. After all, I was intentionally pushing him.  
  
I finally had to put his hand on my bare side, as all he would do with it was hover it over my skin like he was afraid to touch me. Oh God, Journal! His hand was so warm and soft! I didn’t expect Gerard to have such soft hands. He is a guy after all. But all he would do was leave it where I had put it. I went back to kissing him, though, just giving him some time. After kissing a little longer, I felt his hand ever so slowly start gripping at the skin on my side. Then he slid it down towards my hip, but not as far as I wanted him to. But it was progress!  
  
I finally whispered to him to take his shirt off too. I saw him pull down on the hem of his shirt when he asked me why? I told him because I wanted him to. I could tell he was debating it in his head while he looked at me. I added, “I’m going to do it for you if you don’t do it yourself. But one way or another, that shirt is coming off.” How I was going to accomplish that, I have no idea! And thank God I didn’t have to find out. Gerard slowly pulled off his shirt. But unlike mine, his wasn’t tossed into the floor; it was placed on the bed between us. Almost like it was a barrier.  
  
I just took a few minutes to take his body in. He has no muscle definition in his abs or chest, and quite frankly, he has the slightest bit of pudgy on his hips, but he looks AMAZING! His skin is so smooth and pale. And he has the slightest bit of chest hair in the center of his chest, just enough for me to run between my fingers.  
  
Now up until this point, my heart had been racing and I was nervous as hell. I’m surprised I hadn’t been sweating all over him and his bed. But seeing him laying like that, he seemed—God, I’m such a fucking girl!—exposed. I have no idea where it came from or anything, but it was like instinct kicked in. I wanted him! I mean, like I have never felt for someone before. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go as far as sex, but I knew I wanted to cum! I knew I wanted GERARD to make me do it, and I knew I wanted to make Gerard do it! TONIGHT! Well, last night, you know what I mean, Journal.  
  
With this sudden rush of courage and need, I pushed him over onto his back and climbed up over him, straddling his hips. Gerard looked like I was about to kill him, fear and panic written all over his face. I put my palms on the lowest part of his exposed stomach and ran my hands all the way up his chest, slowly lowering myself down over him. The closer my chest got to his, the harder Gerard gripped the sheets below us, refusing to touch me in any way.  
  
I kissed him again, running my tongue over his lips in that way he does mine that I love so much. And he tried to kiss me back, but I could tell I had pushed him further than he was comfortable with. His kiss was soft, and it didn’t have that… that sex whatever it normally has in it. But he wasn’t stopping me, Journal. He never said stop or no or any of those words. So I kept going. I sat back up still straddling him. I undid the button and zipper on my jeans, and then started on his. I only got the button undone before he had his hand tightly gripping mine, trying to pull my hand away and push it back down to his zipper at the same time. I actually rather enjoyed watching Gerard fight his inner demons, whatever they are. I could tell he wanted it too and that he was fighting whatever it was that was stopping him.  
  
I felt his hips move just slightly, but it gave me an idea. He started to say, “Frank, we… you… I’m gonna…” so I carefully, as I’ve never done this before, ground my hips into his. I could feel his hard dick rubbing against me through our clothes, just as I’m sure he could feel mine. His eyes rolled up in his head, and he threw his head back, groaning through his teeth in what sounded like pleasure to me, “Oh my God…” What else could I do? That was the first positive reaction I had gotten from him since I made him take his shirt off. So, I ground our hips together again.  
  
Suddenly he rolled us over, how I don’t know, so that he was over me between my legs. For a minute, he just breathed erratically, looking at me. I could see in his gaze that he was trying to figure out what to do, where his limit was going to be. I just watched him think. I didn’t want to make him stop by saying something dumb. Finally he said, “I can’t have sex with you yet, Frank. I just can’t. But if I don’t cum, I’m just gonna die.” I tried to take a “THANK GOD!” breath, but I’m pretty sure I mumbled “Me too.” as I did.  
  
His hands skillfully pulled my jeans and boxers off my body, and then he left me exposed on the bed. My brain went into overdrive. Suddenly I was nervous again as I realized I was naked in a room alone with another guy getting naked about to do something I had never done before! But it wasn’t all just nerves; I was EXCITED! Gerard just looked me up and down as he pulled his clothes off. I felt self-conscious under his gaze. What if he didn’t like what he saw? What if we got this far and he backed out? What if I was horrible at whatever act we were about to commit? Hell, I didn’t even KNOW what act we were about to commit! Gerard just said no sex, which I was fine with, but what was he planning on doing?  
  
Then it hit me… Gerard was in charge now. That thought made me feel safe and sure. This was just like the first time we kissed. Gerard knew what he was doing. He was experienced. He had been with other guys before. And he would teach me what to do, just like he had taught me how to kiss him.  
  
From the time he left the bed until he was back on it at my side again was only seconds though. I felt him hesitate as he put his hand on my knee and started to slide it up my thigh and over my hip. Then he said, “You’re more perfect than I imagined you to be.”  
  
Okay, Journal. Last night, my mind was not processing things correctly, as I had more blood in my dick than I had in my brain. So all that statement did last night was reassure me he didn’t find me repulsive. But now that I have some brain function again, WHAT?! That statement implies he has thought about me before! Thought about me NAKED before! I mean, yeah, I’ve thought about him like that, but it never occurred to me that Gerard thought about ME that way! I wonder if he thinks about the same things I do. I wonder if he has ever made himself cum thinking about me like I have with him.  
  
Anyway, back to the story. His hand continued its journey over my hip and across my stomach to my opposite side. As he was half leaning over me like that, he called my name in a more serious tone than I had heard in the last little while. My eyes met with his, and I could see something that looked like concern in his face. He asked, “Are you sure you want to do this? You can say no.” All I could tell him was that I was absolutely certain. Then he said, “If at any point you want me to stop for any reason, just tell me, Frank. I’ll stop if you tell me to.” Um, okay. For whatever reason he thought I would stop him now. PLEASE, for God’s fucking sake, TOUCH ME NOW!!  
  
I pressed the back of my head into his pillows and let my eyes close as I felt his hand run down my other hip, across my thigh, and down to my balls. I felt him slide my legs apart and settle himself down between them. Then I felt the BEST feeling I have EVER felt in my ENTIRE life!! It was warm and wet and soft. It sent waves of this amazing sensation throughout my whole body. I finally managed to force my head up so I could look and see what he was doing to me to make me feel like that! When I looked down, he was looking up at me, his mouth wrapped around my dick, slowly moving his head up and down. Gerard was giving me my first blowjob!  
  
No fucking wonder guys are always talking about blowjobs! That was the most INCREDIBLE feeling I have ever felt! I don’t know what it was he was doing, but I could feel Gerard change it up every so often and his tongue would hit these areas that would literally send shivers through me, places on my own body I had never found before! If it could have, I wanted that moment to never pass, to just never end. But my body decided for me to end it. I felt my balls draw up and my orgasm coming, and I knew I couldn’t stop it no matter how badly I wanted to. So instead of fighting it, I tried to let Gerard know it was coming. Somehow he figured out what I was trying to tell him without using words and slid his mouth back down my dick. And then I came, with a loud moan and stars in my vision and my hand wrapped tightly in Gerard’s hair. It was the BEST orgasm I had ever experienced!  
  
I felt Gerard carefully untangle my hand from his hair, and then I heard him spitting, I guess spitting out my cum. He started to climb up off the bed, to go where I have no clue, but I grabbed his hand and stopped him. I pulled him over to me and tried to kiss him. He pulled back a little and said, “I still have you in my mouth. I’m not sure you want yourself in your own mouth.” I gave it about half a second’s thought before I decided I didn’t care and kissed him anyway. He gave in quickly and kissed me back.  
  
Yeah, he was right. I really didn’t want to taste what I taste like. It was kind of bitter and salty. No wonder Gerard didn’t swallow it! But even still, it was the best kiss I have ever shared with anyone, hands down!  
  
After I recovered enough, I realized I hadn’t done anything for Gerard. That made me feel like a complete asshole! I slid far enough away from him to look at him and asked him what I could do for him now. He just said, “I’m good now.” I told him I hadn’t done anything for him yet. He told me what he had done to me was enough for him and that he had cum from just that. I still feel like an ass that I didn’t do something to give him the same pleasure he gave me. Oh, but I will, Journal! I most definitely will!  
  
We went to bed after that. I stayed in Gerard’s bed cuddled up with him, obviously. And we were both naked. It was amazing!


	30. August 24, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
We signed the lease on the house today. Well, Mikey and Gerard did. When the guy leasing the house found out I was only 17 still, he said I couldn’t sign it. But whatever, I’m still going to be living there and helping with the rent. And I’ll 18 soon enough, just a little over 2 months.  
  
There hasn’t been a repeat of what Gerard and I did. Or I should say, what Gerard did to me. But it’s not like either of us have tried either. I think pushing him beyond his comfort zone once is enough for now. And Gerard won’t seem to start anything sexual with me.  
  
I don’t get that, Journal. What is his problem? I have been over it and over it in my head, and the only thing I can come up with is my age. Surely he doesn’t have a problem with that, though. I mean, he holds my hand in public and we make out all the time. It’s just when things start to become more than just that. And it’s especially when _he_ wants to take things further. When I start something, he hesitates but he won’t refuse. But sometimes I can tell he WANTS to do more to me, but he won’t do it. He will forcefully make himself stop, normally by just stopping whatever we’re doing all together. And while I can’t put into words how I know, I know he’s not happy about it and that it takes all of his willpower to stop.  
  
Quite honestly, it hurts my feeling a little that he doesn’t trust either himself or me enough to let things play out naturally. I’m pretty sure by now I have proven to him I’m not in this for sex, and God knows I completely get that he’s not! He has made that EXCEPTIONALLY clear to me! Maybe our relationship just isn’t serious enough for him? I don’t know. It’s so hard to crawl into Gerard’s mind and figure out what he’s thinking! The man’s a fucking enigma wrapped up in riddles that’s tied off with questions!  
  
Gah, I can’t even think about it anymore. All it does is frustrate me… sexually frustrates me! I’m positive by now that Gerard is that right person. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life!! But I don’t know how to get him to see that and how much I want him to be my first!  
  
Okay, trying to change topics here… We’re going to start moving into the house on Monday. Mikey and I took the week off from work. But since Gerard hasn’t been at his job long, he couldn’t take time off yet. We’ve all been packing things up already. Even though Gerard keeps unpacking his art stuff. He’ll go “I can do without it a few days.” But that night, he’ll drag something back out of the box. Doesn’t he get enough art at work? Well, I guess not since he’s really not drawing or anything there. And at least that’s the only thing he keeps unpacking.  
  
He gave me another art lesson the other day. This one was about bodies. He said I needed to have a good understanding of human anatomy to draw bodies. Which I don’t. But by the time he was done talking, I understood what he meant. I don’t want to draw someone in an unnatural position, even if they are more cartoonish than real life. People only bend certain ways, and that principle applies to all kinds of drawings. Like, you can draw someone with their legs apart, but if you don’t get the feet and knees positioned correctly, it’s not going to look like they’re walking. It’s just going to be some dude standing awkwardly with his legs apart.  
  
I don’t know how Gerard does it! He makes drawing look so easy, like it’s the most natural thing in the world! He thinks of what he want to draw, he picks up a pencil and some paper, and he draws it in just a few minutes with what seems like no additional thought. It’s like his hands just know how to put the lines on the paper to create the image in his head. I wish it was that easy for me!  
  
I’ve been spending more time with Mikey lately. It got to the point I felt like I was almost never spending time with him. I wasn’t doing it intentionally; I just get so wrapped up in being with Gerard. And Gerard rarely comes out of his room, even to go up to Mikey’s room with me. Anyway, about a week ago, Alicia was busy doing something focused around getting ready for school to start back, so Mikey was alone. And honestly, I just wanted hang out with Mikey for a while, without Gerard, so I went up to his room. We eventually went to the game store. Then we went to Starbucks.  
  
The whole time Mikey seemed a little down. I finally asked him if he was okay. He said he was bummed that he was going to college while Alicia was still in high school. I guess I can understand that. He and Alicia were always together between classes or at lunch or something last year. Now they can’t be like that anymore. It was kind of weird, but listening to Mikey talking, it reminded me of having to leave Christian behind. It’s the first time in a while I have thought about him like that, and I was kind of surprised to not have any bad feelings about it. I wasn’t sad or mad or anything. It just made me think of how much better I have it now, with Gerard. Gerard is so much better than Christian ever was! Even if Gerard has his hang-ups, whatever they are. I guess I should really figure out how to ask him about it.  
  
NO! I’m not thinking about that again! UGH! I’m just going to stop writing right now, Journal. I’m probably not going to write to you again until after we get moved. But I’ll let you know how things are going again soon!  
  
Bye, Journal.


	31. September 2, 1999

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must apologize for not updating! I had a manic swing, and I've been completely obsessing and wrapt in a new story I'm writing. Once I have it complete (I'm only two or three chapters away), I'll post it here for those who want to read it! It's a dark Frerard! It's only going to have 8 or 9 chapters, plus a prologue and an epilogue, but the chapters are averaging out at 5,000 words a chapter! Yes, you read that right, LONG chapters! (The word count is up to 30,000 already, and it only has six chapters posted!) It's titled ["Sing for Me, Pretty."](979278) (Edit: I changed my mind about waiting! If you all want to see what has captivated my attention these past couple of weeks, click on the story title!)
> 
> In the mean time, here is another chapter of Frank's journal for you! I personally love this chapter! It's by far one of my favorites (but not my FAVORITE, that one's still to come)!!

Dear Journal,

Well, we are moved into the new house. Most of our stuff is still in boxes, but we are getting things unpacked steadily. Of course, the first thing Gerard unpacked was his art stuff. Tuesday was the first night we spent in the new house. Gerard was tucked up in bed with his knees almost in his chest and a sketch pad in his lap. He was starting to draw what he called the “concepts” of a new comic character. He called him “The Séance” and said something about him communicating with dead superheroes. Gerard has quite the imagination it seems. I was curled up beside him beginning to read his favorite book, “The Catcher in the Rye.” While we were packing up his old room, I found three copies of it stuffed into different spots. I guess Mikey wasn’t kidding when he said this is Gerard’s favorite book.

After a while, I could tell Gerard was winding down on his drawing. He kept stopping to look at it. He’d add a detail or two and then look at it for another few minutes. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage, and asked, “Why won’t you start anything with me?” He looked thoughtful for a minute and then replied, “I don’t want to fight with you. And we have nothing to fight about anyway.” I gave him a look. I told him we both knew that wasn’t what I was talking about. He played dumb, which I think was more of just stalling the conversation, asking me exactly what I was referring to then. I should have known he was going to make this difficult.

I didn’t know exactly how to carefully phrase what I wanted to know so I just said it. I wanted to know why I was always the one that had to start the sex stuff. And why he always seemed to hesitate when I took things further than just kissing. I heard him sigh, and then he told me it was just some things from his past that he had to work through on his own. I really didn’t like that answer at all. I thought about what to say. I suddenly remembered what he had said to me that night after we had seen my ex-parents in the mall, so I said that to him. “I can’t help you fix the issue, Gerard, if you don’t tell me what it is.” I saw a hint of a smile on his lips at me using his own words against him.

He got up out of the bed and put his art stuff on his desk, which we had to put across the room instead of by the bed like he had had it in his basement room. He climbed back in bed beside me and snuggled up. I could tell he was about to say something important, so I put the book down and gave him my full attention. The first thing he said had my head spinning, “Frank, my first real boyfriend wasn’t all that nice.” Then he just stopped talking. I could tell he was trying to gather together the words to say or the courage to say it or something. I tried to just wait, but he never went on. I finally asked him what that meant exactly. Gerard got this sad and hurt look on his face. I already figured “not nice” wasn’t a good thing, but the look on his face told me it was more than just not good, it was really BAD!

He glanced at me before looking back down at his lap and taking a deep breath. He told me his first boyfriend, who he never called by name the entire conversation, treated him like he was a piece of property. As time passed and their relationship got closer, his first boyfriend became more and more controlling. He would refuse to even let Gerard go out with his friends some days. But Gerard said he never thought anything of it. He just assumed his boyfriend wanted to spend time with him. He said they would have a good night and Gerard thought things were fine. Gerard hesitated for a minute before adding, “Well, to me, they were more than fine. They were great!” I could see Gerard’s eyes dancing around the room, but I don’t think he was seeing our bedroom. I think he was watching his memories playing out in his mind. He brought his hand up to his face and rubbed his chin. He said, “He was so much more experienced than I was. He was always the one to lead things in the bedroom.” Okay, so that sounds a lot like me and Gerard, except Gerard is the more experienced one now. I saw Gerard glance down at me out of the corner of his eye. At the time, I didn’t know what that meant.

Gerard’s voice got really soft and he said, “I’ve never told anyone this, Frankie. And I don’t want it repeated.” I assured him I wouldn’t tell anyone. Then he started telling me a story. Gerard and his first ex were in bed one night. They had been kissing and touching each other over their clothes. Things progressed and before long, his ex was trying to pull Gerard’s clothes off. Gerard didn’t like the idea, but he trusted his ex so he let him take his clothes off. Once Gerard was naked, his ex quickly got undressed as well. At first, they just touched each other and kissed some more. Gerard decided he liked the way it felt and that he was okay with it happening and relaxed into his ex.

Gerard took another deep breath, and I noticed tears in Gerard’s eyes. I kind of knew where this story was going. And quite frankly, I didn’t want to hear the rest of it. But I had started this, and I knew I had to hear him out. After a silent minute, Gerard told me, “The rest of the night happened so fast. It almost runs together.” He fumbled on the nightstand and got him a cigarette. I swear if I smoked, I would have asked him for one. He lit the cigarette, took a long draw off of it, and kept going.

His ex pinned him down on the bed with his body. He kept kissing Gerard, so Gerard kept kissing him back. Gerard said he didn’t know what was coming next or he would have said no. Gerard took another drag and said, “I heard him say it was only going to hurt a minute. I was still trying to figure out what was going to hurt when I felt the pain. I felt like my ass was on fire.” Gerard said his ex never gave him the chance to do anything but lay there in the bed and take it. Then Gerard told me some really gruesome details that I won’t repeat to you, Journal. They are things I don’t want… no, they are things I CANNOT repeat! Let’s just say his ex was not a gentle lover.

Gerard put his cigarette up to his lips and inhaled hard, like he was trying to smoke what was left of it in a single draw, and then put it out in the ashtray. He exhaled and said when his ex was done, he just rolled off top of Gerard. He never asked Gerard if he was okay or anything. Gerard said after a few minutes, he got up and went to the bathroom to clean himself up. He found out he was bleeding. He said he bled off and on for the next two days.

I finally cut Gerard off. I said as softly as I could, “Gerard, he practically raped you.” Gerard looked at me with an expression I couldn’t tell what it meant and said, “I never told him no, Frank. I didn’t fight back or anything. I just let him do that to me.” Gerard said after a while he got used to the rough sex. He just thought that was how gay sex was. Then he quit talking.

I really didn’t know what to say. I mean, what DO you say to something like that, Journal? I just snuggled in to Gerard’s side and thought about the story he had just told me. And I understood why Gerard was so hesitant to do anything to me. The roles were reversed now. Gerard is the older one with more experience, and I am the younger one that is still a virgin. But how could Gerard EVER think he would do something like that to me?!

After being quiet for a while and letting Gerard recover from telling me his awful story about his first time, I pulled his face to mine and placed the sweetest, non-sex kiss I could on his lips. He kissed me back, and I felt him put his hand on my cheek. I pulled away from the kiss and looked at him for a moment. I realized in that moment I didn’t know how to fix it even now that he told me what was broken. So I told him the only thing I could think of.

I told him that I was willing to do all those things with him. Not tonight, maybe not tomorrow night, but when things were right, when the situation was right. But most importantly, when he was ready. I was willing to wait for him. He pecked my lips and told me he just didn’t want me to feel pressured like he had felt. He said he didn’t want me to feel like I had to do those things with him just because he wants to do them with me. I told him I never feel pressured by him, and that I want those things with him too. I told him that I knew he was not going to be like his ex, that my first time wasn’t going to be like his.

He looked at me sadly and asked how I knew that. I smiled because I knew I could answer this one with ease. I said, “Because you’re already so gentle with me. Because you actually care about how I feel. And because you worry about making sure I’m okay, no matter if we’re just kissing or if you’re sucking my dick.” By the changes in Gerard’s expression, I knew I had said the right things. He pulled me into a hug and just held me for a while. And I let him hold me. I think he just needed to hold me right then.

He finally let go of me and asked me if I would promise him something. I told him anything. He looked at me eye to eye and said, “Promise if you are ever uncomfortable with something we’re doing or if something is causing you a lot of pain, promise me you’ll tell me, Frankie. Promise me you’ll make me stop.” I kissed him again and then whispered against his lips, “I promise I’ll never let you hurt me, Gerard.”

Just like that, it was like a burden had been lifted off of Gerard’s shoulders. He wrapped his hand around the back of my head while his other hand found its way under the back of my shirt onto my bare back, and he kissed me like he has never kissed me before. It was like there was no tomorrow, and he had to show me how he felt for me in that one kiss!

But I knew it was not going to lead to anything. It had been an emotional night already. He finally broke the kiss and said, “You are really amazing.” After that we got undressed—I noticed that Gerard didn’t seem to hesitate either—and slid back in bed to snuggle up for the night. He held me as close to him as I think was possible until he fell asleep. Even then, he still kept me pulled somewhat close.

That was two night ago, Journal. We still haven’t crossed any lines yet, but I can just feel that Gerard feels more comfortable around me now. I know when the timing and things are right, Gerard is going to show me how wonderful it is to have sex… no, call me a girl or whatever you want… but he’ll teach me how wonderful it is to make love to someone you really care about. Make no mistake, Journal, I know it’s going to hurt some, but somehow I know that Gerard is going to make sure there is as little pain as possible for me.

Right now, I’m laying in the bed. Gerard is next to me snoring softly. I couldn’t help but steal glances at him as I wrote all of this tonight. I wish I’d have known the bad memories he was fighting because of me. I wouldn’t have taken such pleasure in watching him fight it off. I’m not going to use that “L” word just yet, but I know I have never, in all my life, felt for anyone else what I feel for Gerard. He is by far the greatest thing to happen to me so far in my 17, almost 18, years.

Good night, Journal.


	32. September 7, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Today was the first day I had classes at college. I only had Math and English. Math was okay. We talked about the supplies we’d need, what calculator to buy. The professor teaching the class, I don’t remember her name, got finished going through that, the syllabus, and what was expected of us students. Then she said she was going to start the first lesson today but there really wasn’t enough time to get through very much, so she let us go early.  
  
That left me with a little more than an hour before my next class. I found a payphone on campus and called Gerard at work. He sounded really happy to hear from me. He asked how things were going for his “college boy”. I told him fine so far. I told him my Math professor had let us out of class early, so I figured I would call him. Gerard started to say something, but he got cut off by someone talking to him. I heard him say something back to them, but it sounded like he had taken the phone away from his mouth. He came back a minute later and told me he was really sorry and that he had to go. Then he made a joke about an “art emergency.” I giggled at his stupid joke and told him I’d see back home tonight.  
  
Time drug by until it was finally time to go to my English class. I found the classroom and made my way in. This class started much like the last one did. Mr. Baker, the guy teaching the class, seemed pretty cool at first. He introduced himself. He wasn’t young, but he didn’t seem old enough to be teaching college. Anyway, I was surprised to find out he likes punk rock music. He told us that while introducing himself. Then he did the same thing the Math professor did. He went over what we’d need to “survive the class”, as he called it. He went over the syllabus and what he expected from us over the course of the semester. I expected him to let us out early too.  
  
He began to pass out some papers. When I got them, it was a list of assignments due for the class for the semester. I was too busy looking at the actual assignments to pay any attention to the due dates. He began to go over the first few assignments. I have a paper due in THREE weeks! It’s the first fucking day, Journal! I already have a paper due! It’s what he called a cause and effect paper. We have to write about some sort of problem, listing what causes it and the effects. Ugh, college classes move way faster than high school ones do. It takes a week to get your first assignment in high school!  
  
By the time I got home, Mikey was already there. He looked about as good as I felt, completely shitty. I asked him how his day was going. He said he already had homework. I tried not to laugh, even though I did a little bit. At least I didn’t have homework. I told Mikey about my essay due in three weeks. He said he didn’t have English until tomorrow. I knew that. He had Math and a computer class today. He moved around the house a little and I realized he was getting ready to go somewhere. I asked where he was going. He said he was meeting Alicia at her house. I told him to have fun and headed towards my room.  
  
I tossed my backpack next to Gerard’s desk. He’s going to have to learn to share it, I think. I looked at the alarm clock. I still had an hour before Gerard got off from work. So I thought I’d tell you about my day, which leads me to now. I’m stretched out on our bed. All I can smell is Gerard’s scent. It smells so good! I know I’ve told you that before, Journal, but God does Gerard’s scent turn me on! I mean, not so much the cigarette smell but that musky smell. I’ve figured out it’s his aftershave.  
  
I’ve got today and tomorrow off, since it the first day of my new classes. So does Mikey. Dennis was nice about it. I really don’t have much to say now, so I’m just going to go. I think I’m just going to stretch out some more on our bed and wait for Gerard to get home. I’m ready for dinner, and I’m hoping me and Gerard can go out somewhere.  
  
Bye, Journal!


	33. September 8, 1999

Dear Journal,

My classes today were just like yesterdays, without getting anymore major assignments. I’m not going to talk about it, though. I have bigger things to talk about! Gerard got home from work yesterday a little early. Apparently I had dozed off waiting for him. He woke me up with kisses. I kissed him back, of course. Still half asleep, I wrapped my arms around him to learn he was shirtless. That was a nice change! He laid down on the bed beside me, snuggled up close, and kissed me some more. I couldn’t stop my hands from running up and down his smooth skin. Without having to force him to or ask him or anything, Gerard suddenly runs one of his hands up the inside of my shirt and over my chest. His fingertips brushed over one of my nipples, and I gasped into our kiss. I felt Gerard smirk, and he did it again.

Well, two can play that game. I ran my hand down his side and into the waistband of his jeans. I tried to find the inside of his boxers so I could run my hand over his bare hip, but I found out he wasn’t wearing any. I think the shock was plain on my face. Gerard pulled back to be able to look at me, a devious smile on his lips. I finally returned the smile. Without looking away from me, Gerard shocks me again by undoing his jeans button. I didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do, but I was definitely all in. I quickly pulled off my t-shirt and undid the button on my own jeans.

Once I settled back down on the bed, Gerard took my hand and put it on the fly of his jeans. I wasn’t sure completely, but I thought I knew what he wanted. I carefully unzipped his jeans. His hard dick pushed its way out as I did. I sort of hesitated as I’ve never actually touched Gerard down there before. His face quickly drew up in concern, and he said, “You don’t have to, Frankie.” I looked him in his eyes, and as soon as I did, I knew I wanted to; I just didn’t really know what to do once I did. Without breaking eye contact, I wrapped my hand around his dick. His eyelids fluttered, and his hips moved a little. It dawned on me that I DID know what to do! I have jacked off before! This time, it’s just not my own dick.

I started moving my hand a little, eventually causing Gerard to let out this whimper. I thought I might have hurt him by the way it sounded, so I stopped moving my hand. He managed to look at me, and then he kissed me hard, undoing my jeans all the way to find my dick. With my boxers and all, he had a hard time getting to it. I felt him start to pull my clothes off, but then he stopped and started to ask, “Frank, can I…” I cut him off with a desperate “Please.” He let out a soft breath, like he had been holding his breath, and pulled my jeans and boxers off. He tossed them on our floor and started to reach for me. I stopped him by reaching for his jeans. I saw something glimmer in his eyes as I did. I’ve never seen it before, but I think it was lust. With a combined effort, we got his jeans off faster than mine came off.

I expected him to reach for my dick again, but he never did. I was kind of disappointed. I wanted to feel his hand wrapped around me like that. Instead, he pulled our bodies together, fronts pressed so close together that there wasn’t even any air between us. I could feel his dick rubbing against mine. He pressed our lips hard together. Though I’m not sure I could really call it a kiss. But whatever it was, I could feel Gerard trying to hold back. I did not want him to hold back, though.

I moved my hips forward to press them even closer together. I heard Gerard moan softly. I knew he got what I was trying to say because he rolled us so he was on top of me straddling my hips. He got that look on his face again, that one he had when he was over me that night before he gave me a blowjob. But he didn’t look so panicked this time. It was like he was just trying to decide something. Finally he whispered, “Frank, I really want to… can we… you know…” I finally got what he was trying to ask. I just smiled and nodded my head. A huge smile overtook his mouth. He said, “I’ll be right back.” I asked for what and he said we need supplies. Oh, yeah. As I listened to him rummage through a couple of boxes, I realized I was nervous. I mean, I’m about to have sex! Or make love or fuck or whatever you want to call it. But I was about to have Gerard INSIDE of me!

I tried to take a couple of deep, calming breathes before Gerard came back to the bed with some lube, a couple of condoms, and a towel. Exactly how many times was he planning on doing this that we needed multiple condoms?! Gerard just put the stuff on the nightstand and climbed up beside me so that he was kind of leaning over me. He asked me how much I knew about sex. I asked what he meant. He said he was talking specifically about prepping. Um, what-ing? Gerard could tell I was lost. He smiled sweetly at me and ran his hand through my hair. He said he had to prep me. It would make it much better for me in the long run. I asked him what prepping me was. He said he would start with a finger in my ass. Then he’d add more until I was stretched out. I must have gave him an odd look. He said, “Yes, it’s awkward and it normally doesn’t feel very pleasant as far as pleasure goes, but it will make it not hurt as bad when I put me in you.” I told him to do whatever he needed to do.

He leaned down and kissed me. Then he took the lube from the nightstand, spread my legs apart, and settled himself off to my side with one of his thighs under mine. I watched every move he made. He put some of the lube on the fingers of his right hand. He rubbed his fingertips together a little before he reached down between my legs. I sort of flinched when I felt him touch my asshole. He didn’t move his hand, either to remove it or do anything else. He just said, “I know this is uncomfortable, Frank, but if it get to be too much, you make me stop.” I just nodded my head and replied, “I know, I promise, Gerard.” He smiled softly at me, put his left hand on my hip, and then I felt him push a finger in.

Gerard was most definitely right! Awkward and uncomfortable are not strong enough words for what I felt. But it wasn’t enough to make me want to stop him, or for me to even think about stopping him. I felt him moving his finger around some. After a minute he asked, “You okay?” I told him yeah. I felt him pull his finger out a good ways, and then he pushed back into to me. But this felt more weird, bigger. I realized he had two fingers in me now. He spent more time moving his fingers around than he had with just the one. I could feel him stretching my asshole. But it never hurt. Not until I felt him pull his fingers out of me and push in three. And even three didn’t hurt until he started spreading his fingers inside of me. The pain was only minimal though.

For the most part, I had kept my eyes closed with my head thrown back on the pillows through all of that. The more he worked and stretched me out, the less uncomfortable it got. I lifted my head to look at him. He had this look of… like, contentment and concern at the same time on his face. As soon as we made eye contact, he asked me if I was okay again. I just said yeah again. He asked if he was hurting me. I told him no, which wasn’t exactly a lie, Journal. I know sex is going to hurt the first few times, and I know it’s only going to be worse in a few minutes. Plus, I didn’t want to make Gerard feel bad about what he was doing to me. Like he said, it was necessary.

I felt him pull his fingers out of me. He leaned over and kissed me again and told me I did good. He looked at me carefully and asked me if I was sure. I actually gave it some honest thought. Was I ready to give Gerard my virginity? Was I okay with how ever much pain he was about to inflict on me, regardless of how much he didn’t want to? I finally kissed him and then told him I had never been so sure of anything. He said, “Frank, it’s going to hurt a little. I can only prep you so much. But if it starts to hurt…” I cut him off with, “I promise you, Gerard, I won’t let you hurt me. It’s going to be fine.” He kissed me and then trailed kisses down my throat and across my shoulder.

He took a condom off the nightstand and tore it open. I hadn’t realized how nervous he was until I saw he couldn’t get the condom on because his hands were shaking so bad. He managed to get it unrolled without getting it on. He tossed it in the trash and got another one. Oh, so that’s why he got more than one. I saw him blush as he tore open the second one. I sat up a little and put my hands over his making him stop. He looked at me unsure like. I asked him if he was sure about this. He blushed again and let out a short, nervous chuckle before he told me he was just really worried about hurting me. I kissed him as passionately as I could. My hands weren’t shaking near as much as his were, so I took the condom and put it on him. He sort of blushed again but thanked me. I laid back down how he had positioned me before.

He moved to between my legs and put some lube on the condom and then more on my ass. Which was good. I don’t think we could have used too much lube this time. He bent my legs up so that only my hips and feet were still touching the bed. I felt him down there, his dick against my asshole. It was even warmer than his fingers were. He asked me once more if I was okay. I told him with a laugh that if he asked me that once more, it was going to ruin it for me. He sort of laughed back before I saw him take a deep breath. I thought that might be a good idea, so I did it too. Then he pressed his dick harder against my asshole. I felt him start to push into me. Then further. Then I felt it hurt, not bad but it was still pain. He kept pressing and the pain grew. I almost thought about stopping him until I felt him literally pop inside of me. Then some of the pain subsided.

He just stopped pressing in and waited a minute, wiping his fingers on the towel. I could tell he wanted to ask me if I was okay. I half whispered I was fine, and I saw his face relax. I told him I wanted him to kiss me. He said leaning over me was going to make him enter me further and that he was trying to let me adjust right now. I mumbled, “I don’t care. I want you to kiss me!” He smiled and leaned down, pressing our chests together to get to my lips. Like always, Gerard was right. It pushed his dick deeper inside of me, causing more pain to come back. But as soon as his lips touched mine, I instantly felt better. I was having sex with Gerard, the best person I think I could have lost my virginity to!

He quickly broke the kiss and looked at me, the panic I thought was lost written on his face. I didn’t have to ask him what. He immediately said, “Frankie, you’re in pain. Your lips are trembling.” I tried to pull him down into a kiss, but he wanted an answer and started to pull himself out of me. I quickly grabbed his hips and pulled them back into mine, pushing his dick back into my ass. He looked at me, and I told him it was a good pain, a pain I didn’t mind and could handle. His expression relaxed at that. He leaned back down and gave me that kiss I had tried to steal.

I could tell he wanted to move his hips. I don’t know how he could stand being inside of me without moving. That’s like me just holding onto my dick after I have started jacking off I think. Again, that instinct thing kicked in and I pressed my hips into his, pressing my ass up against his dick. Well, I didn’t do it; it was like my hips moved on their own. But whatever made me do it, Gerard smiled at me. I felt him pull out of me a little and slowly push back in. It didn’t hurt near as much that time. When he was fully inside of me, he repeated the action. And again. And again. And eventually, I could feel more pleasure than pain. I ran both of my hands over his hips. He pressed our chests and mouths together as he continued that motion with his hips.

I pretty much lost track of anything other than Gerard. I could feel his abs muscles flexing and relaxing against me with the movement of his hips. I could feel his warm, labored breathing on the side of my neck. I could feel his hands gently grip my skin every now and then in between rubbing me. At one point he moaned and whispered in my ear, “God, Frankie, you feel amazing!” I wasn’t sure how to respond, if I even could have responded. At some point, I realized he had sped up, but I didn’t care. I could only feel a little pain at that point. At another point, he looked at me, and I could tell he needed to know I was okay. But both of us were really unable to talk, so I just nodded my head at him and kissed him again. I can’t tell you what order all that happened in, though. I was too lost in the “now” to record it all properly in my mind.

I know this was towards the end. I felt Gerard lift off of me. He tried to wrap his hand around my dick, apparently to bring me to orgasm. But I was loving the feel of our abdomens rubbing against it on either side. It was like nothing I had ever felt. I pulled at his arm, trying to find his hand. He half looked at me from under eyelids that looked like he could hardly keep them open and said, “But I’m close.” I found the strength to mumble back, “Me, too. Just like we were.” I saw Gerard nod at me and he pressed our bodies back together. I swear, Journal, I have never felt so close to anyone in all my life, and not just physically; I felt emotionally close to Gerard. I don’t know how long it was, but just a little bit later, I felt my warm cum between our stomachs. For a short time, I was lost in oblivion.

I quickly came back to reality, and Gerard was thrusting himself in and out of me almost sloppily. I felt him bury himself as deep inside of me as I’m sure is possible, and I could feel his dick pulsing inside of me. I knew he had cum. He softly pushed in and out of me twice more before he rested his head on my shoulder, both of us panting for breath and covered in sweat. I could feel Gerard’s heartbeat matching my own racing heart. As our breathing and heart rates slowed down, I could smell the sex surrounding us. It was almost as good as Gerard’s scent.

Slowly we came back to life. Gerard asked me if I wanted to get a shower with him. I didn’t want to wash Gerard off of me, but I wanted to clean myself up down there and get my cum off my stomach. I finally nodded my head yes. We climbed out of the bed, and Gerard stuck his head out the door to make sure Mikey wasn’t looking. Then we quickly ran naked to the bathroom. As soon as we were in there, Gerard started the shower warming up. I took some toilet paper and wiped what I could off with it. Gerard’s face looked uneasy as he asked me if I was bleeding. I showed him the paper and told him no. His whole body instantly relaxed. We climbed in the shower together, and Gerard took to washing me off. I hissed as he ran the soapy rag over my asshole. It stung! He quickly rinsed it with water. When I was clean, he washed himself off. I would have done it for him, but I think I was still too lost in what had just happened. He had pretty much cleaned himself off before I realized he had even started.

After the shower we got dressed. Gerard asked me if I wanted to order some pizza for dinner. I told him pizza sounded great. As we walked into the living room, Mikey was sitting on the sofa watching TV. He gave us a look that I couldn’t read before mumbling, “You two are too loud. I SO didn’t need to know what you were doing in there.” Gerard and I just giggled. I plopped down on the sofa without thinking about what exactly we had just done to my ass. I sort of yelped and jumped back up. That just gave Mikey a reason to giggle. Gerard was at my side in an instant. He wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “It’ll feel better in the morning. But you’ll be a little sore for a day or two. Just sit with caution.” Thank God he has been through this before!

The rest of the night, we all watched TV together, me and Gerard snuggled up close together. It was just amazing!

So I’m not a virgin anymore. And Gerard can rest assured that he’s not going to hurt me my first time because he didn’t. I’m hoping we can do it the other way around. I’m sure we’ll get there eventually. I’m going to make some dinner, or at least try to, before Gerard comes home from work today.

Bye, Journal.


	34. September 17, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
Today was great! I don’t have classes on Fridays, and I happen to have the day off from work. I actually had a whole day off! I was talking about what I was going to do today at breakfast with Gerard and Mikey. Mikey was going to hang out with Alicia for the day until he had to be at work. And of course, Gerard had to work. So I was going to be alone. I told Gerard I didn’t know what I was going to do with a whole day to myself. Without hesitation, he said I should come have lunch with him today. Well, it’s not that far of a drive, and he said there was this great deli within walking distance of his office building. Of course I accepted right away.  
  
Gerard gave me directions to his work, and told me when I got there to let them know at the front desk who I was. He said they would sign me in and give me a visitor badge so I could come up to his area. I was stoked! I was getting to go to Gerard’s work, and we were going to have lunch in Manhattan. Not long after, Gerard left for work, and Mikey went to get ready to go see Alicia. Apparently her parents don’t like the idea of Alicia hanging out with us at our place due to the lack of parents around. After Mikey left, I found myself pacing the floors and watching the clock. I swear time slowed down just because I was waiting for lunch time.  
  
I finally decided I wanted to look good for our lunch date, so I got a shower and fixed my hair really nice. I picked out my sexiest jeans and my favorite close fitting Black Flag t-shirt. Once I was pleased with my appearance, I checked the clock again. I still had 20 minutes until I should leave, but I decided I would take my time to get there. Plus, I might get lost and need the extra time.  
  
I ended up getting there 15 minutes early, but I went on in. The lady at the desk was very nice, and after asking me who I was there to see, she pointed me in the direction I needed to go to find the elevators. I made it to Gerard’s floor. Then I was lost. It was a floor of cubicles, and Gerard had given me no instructions on how to find his. A lady walked by and asked if she could help me. I told her I was looking for Gerard. She said, “Gerard who?” So I told her his last name. She smiled and told me to follow her. I followed her around the floor and down between two sets of cubicles. She stopped at one and said to whoever was in there, “Who is this cutie asking for you?” I stepped a little closer to the opening right as Gerard stood up. He smiled at me and motioned with his hand for me to come into his little work space.  
  
I was a little shocked when he put his arm around my waist in his workplace and said, “Debbie, this is my boyfriend, Frank. Frank, this is Debbie. She’s an illustrator here.” I almost missed what he said because I was stuck on the fact he had called me his boyfriend. FINALLY! Debbie stuck out her hand to shake mine. She winked at Gerard and told him I was cute. Gerard laughed and told her I wasn’t into girls but that it didn’t matter because I was already taken. I rather enjoyed having Gerard talk about me like that. Debbie told me it was nice to meet me and walked off.  
  
Gerard leaned slightly away from me to lean over the wall to the next cubicle calling for a Ray. This guy with quite the head of hair stood up, and Gerard used that boyfriend word again to introduce me. Ray smiled and said, “It’s nice to finally put a face to a name. He doesn’t shut up about you!” I’m pretty sure I blushed then. Gerard talks about me at work?! That’s awesome! If I actually talked to people at school, I’d be talking about Gerard a lot too. Anyway, Gerard told Ray we were going out for lunch and that he’d be back in about an hour.  
  
As we left, Gerard wasn’t afraid of keeping his arm around my waist for everyone to see, so I did the same, wrapping my arm around him. When I did, he kind of looked at me sideways and smiled one of those smiles of his, the ones that make my heart melt. We had to stop at the front desk and turn in my visitor’s badge. Somehow we managed to squeeze through the door together without letting go of each other.  
  
The walk to the deli was only a block and a half. And it was a nice walk. Gerard and I chatted about our day so far. His was far more interesting than mine obviously. I took in the scenery and watched people walking in a hurry past us as Gerard talked. I was glad we weren’t in such a hurry. Gerard had started a leisurely pace when we left his office building, and he seemed to really be enjoying walking arm in arm and talking with me just as much as I was with him.  
  
We reached the deli. Gerard let go of me a little and told me to go on, not taking his hand off my back. When I looked, I realized why. This door wasn’t as wide as his office door. There was no way we were squeezing through there together. Once we were both inside, Gerard snuggles back up to my side and whispers in my ear, “Those jeans make your ass irresistible” before he placed a kiss in my hair. My plan to look nice worked. We ordered and found a table. While we waited for our food, I couldn’t help but notice Gerard had to keep readjusting himself under the table. And by the looks he was giving me, I don’t think he wanted anything they had on the menu for lunch.  
  
We pretty much ate in silence. Well, without spoken words. There was conversation in the way we were looking at each other, like he does with Mikey, but I know Mikey has never had _this_ nonverbal conversation with Gerard. To be honest, I have no idea what I was doing. I think Gerard was just horny, because all I was doing was eating my lunch and looking at him. He was the one whose breathing had picked up a little and seemed to be wearing pants too small.  
  
We got finished eating and headed back the direction we had come from. Gerard’s arm seemed to hang much lower on my waist heading back than it had on the way there. As we past an alleyway between two buildings, Gerard hesitated for a second and then pulled me down the alleyway. He pushed me up again a brick wall on the opposite side of a dumpster so people on the sidewalk couldn’t see us and pressed his lips into mine. Even  _I_ could feel the need in the kiss. He ran his tongue over my lips, and I instinctively open my mouth to him. I’m pretty sure if we had been at home, we’d have had sex right then. Gerard seemed to have finally gotten enough of my mouth. He pulled away just the slightest bit and placed one more peck on my lips before letting his forehead rest against mine for a minute.

Casually we pulled away from each other and walked back towards the sidewalk hand in hand. I realized as we made it back to the sidewalk that the building he had been pressing our bodies against was his office building. It was time for Gerard to go back to work and for me to go back home.  
  
By the time Gerard got home from work, his neediness seemed to have disappeared. We had dinner, making sure to save Mikey a plate, and snuggled up to watch a movie. Well, a couple of movies. We started a Star Wars marathon. But it was nice. Gerard was nestled between my legs, his head leaning against my chest and his hand holding tightly to mine. Maybe _all_ his neediness wasn’t gone. He would involuntarily whimper if I broke contact with his body for even a moment.  
  
We’re tucked into bed now. Gerard is finishing up a new character for his comic book idea while I write to you. I think we’re about ready to call it a night, though. Today was a really good day, Journal. Even if we didn’t have sex again.  
  
Good night, Journal.


	35. September 25, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
I’m worried about Gerard. I got home from work last night. The light was out in our room, so I figured Gerard had gone to bed. I snuck into the room and turned the little lamp on over the desk so I could get changed. Gerard was laying corner to corner across the bed fully clothed, like he had fallen asleep without meaning to. But here’s the part that bothers me. His artwork was scattered across the bed all around him. Some of his best pieces he had torn up, balled up, or defaced. And on his sketch pad was this really dark picture he had drawn with blood everywhere and a woman hacked to pieces. And it didn’t have Gerard’s usual soft-handedness to it. It was like he had beared down so hard with the pencil, he was trying to cut the paper with the tip of the pencils. It just looked… angry.  
  
I tried to salvage what I could of his art and put his things away on his desk before I woke him up. As I snuggled up next to him to wake him, I noticed his eyes were red rimmed and that the sheets were wet under his face. Gerard had been crying himself to sleep.  
  
I know Mikey had mentioned a while ago that he had been worried about Gerard, but until this, I hadn’t seen anything. And Mikey hasn’t mentioned it in a while. I really thought this had blown over, that he had gotten past it when he dealt with the split with Bob.  
  
Anyway, I tried to wake him up. I really wanted to talk to him about it, at least a little. At least enough to make sure he was okay. After more poking and prodding than usual, I finally got him to stir. He half groggily smiled at me, which looked odd in contrast to his obviously tear stained eyes, and pulled me close, snuggling me in like a pillow he was clutching to or something. I shook him a little more and asked him if he wanted to change for bed. He mumbled something I couldn’t understand and started his soft snores once again. And we slept like that for the night, the light on the desk still on in our day clothes diagonally across the bed.  
  
By the time I woke up this morning, Gerard was already up, showered, and making us some breakfast. I kept watching him curiously. He kept eyeing me back and asking me what. Every time, I’d ask, “Are you okay, Gerard?” And all he’d reply was “Yeah,” or “I’m fine.” And he sure seemed fine. He was smiling and placing random kisses on my face, neck, and shoulders. He brought the pancakes he had been working on over to the table, and we started to eat. I finally just straight out asked him “Gerard, why’d you destroy all your artwork last night?” I think he nearly choked. He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, his smile gone except for the fake one he was trying to hang onto.  
  
When he went back to eating without replying, I said, “I cleaned it up last night, the mess you made with your art. I tried to save what I could of them, but you had done irreparable damage to some of them. Why would you do that to something you love so much?” He finally quit trying to plaster that damn fake smile across his face, and said really lowly, “I had a bad night.” I asked him why he didn’t call me at work, that he knew I would have came home early. He simply said he didn’t want to screw me up with his problems. I could tell by the way he said it that it was end of the discussion. But I tried to get him to talk to me anyway. As soon as I said his name, though, he cut his eyes at me, and I gave up. That was definitely a look I don’t want to get from Gerard again. It was cold and, quite frankly, frightening.  
  
We ate in silence after that. I guess technically that was our first fight.  
  
After Gerard left for work, I made my way to Mikey’s room. He asked me what was up, and I just cut loose immediately with “Have you ever seen Gerard destroy all his artwork before?” Mikey stopped what he was doing and turned to look dead at me. He asked me why, so I told him about last night. Mikey told me Gerard had done that once before. He had drank himself almost to death the other time he had done it before he started destroying his stuff. Mikey said Gerard had ended up in the hospital overnight with near alcohol poison.  
  
I told Mikey Gerard didn’t smell like alcohol last night, and he sure didn’t seem hungover this morning. After I said that, Mikey didn’t seem too overly concerned about it, though. He said Gerard was just weird like that sometimes. He would start something everyone else thought was great, and then a few weeks later he would trash it and start over. I didn’t say this to Mikey, but I could see doing something like that with one or two pictures. But this wasn’t a few; it was a whole book’s worth, all ripped out of the spiral bound pad haphazardly and purposefully destroyed, not just tossed in the trash. I didn’t mention the picture he had drawn of the hacked up woman. Maybe I should have. But if Mikey says I shouldn’t worry about it, maybe he’s right. After all, he knows Gerard better than me.  
  
I just still can’t help worrying about it, though, Journal. Gerard was obviously very upset last night. And he wouldn’t talk to me about it this morning. There’s more to this, I think, than Mikey seems to think there is. But for now, I’m just going to keep it to myself. Maybe it really was just a bad night for Gerard.  
  
I’ve got to be heading off to work. I wrote to you instead of doing my homework, so now I have to do my homework on my breaks at work. Bye, Journal. I’ll keep you posted.


	36. September 28, 1999

Dear Journal,  
  
I don’t know if I should be worried about Gerard or not. He seemed fine. I’ve even been watching for signs of him drinking but came up with nothing. I thought I could just let it go, just keeping it in the back of mind for later. I don’t know now, though. He really makes me feel like it was just an isolated event. But then there was last night.  
  
I got home from work last night, and when I walked into our bedroom, Gerard was casually stretched out and sitting up on the bed redrawing one of the pictures he had destroyed. The ruined version was laying on the bed beside him, I guess for reference. I just stood in the doorway watching him draw for a while. He was so wrapped up in what he was doing, he didn’t see me standing there. I finally called his name. I saw him smile the split second before he even turned his head to look at my direction. It was actually a little flattering that my presence is enough to make him smile.  
  
As soon as our eyes locked, he said, “Hey, babe. Come here and let me teach you something.” I can never pass on art lessons with Gerard as my teacher. He just has such a way about him that seems effortless. I quickly crossed the room and made myself comfortable on the bed, fixing my pillows so I could sit up beside him. He picked up the ripped up picture and handed me the three pieces of it. Then he asked me what I saw. I looked at the drawing carefully for a while, studying every detail I could find. I described the woman in the orange, black, and green picture. She had red hair and was wearing an animal print orange shirt. She appeared to have been in a fight of some sort recently, bandages on her face. Each of her leather gloved hands was holding a black pistol.  
  
He nodded his head, acknowledging the things I had observed, but I could tell it wasn’t what he was looking for. I hadn’t seen what he had wanted me to see. I looked to him for guidance. He picked up the piece that had her face on it. He handed it to me and asked me what she said to me, how I thought she felt. I studied her features again, keeping in mind his questions. After another few minutes, I told him that she seemed pissed, almost vengeful. She looked like she could kill without another thought of it. Gerard looked somber when I looked back at him. He simply replied, “She is… well, was.”  
  
I asked him why “was”. He was redrawing her; wouldn’t she still be angry and venomous? One side of Gerard’s mouth slightly pulled up in a short lived grin. He told me that was tonight’s lesson. He took a deep breath, and I just let him breathe, waiting for him to continue. He lit a cigarette, and then he proceeded to tell me that no matter how hard we try, the way we feel affects our artwork. If we’re mad or sad or happy or worried, it will show, if only in the lines. He said no two pictures are ever the same. I asked him what he meant. His only response was to hand me what seemed to be essentially the same picture, the one he had nearly finished but not quite. I didn’t need Gerard to prompt me this time; I knew what he wanted me to see. I immediately zeroed in on her face. In this one, she had a few more scratches on her face, these not covered by bandages; she was obviously a little more worse for the wear. And her face seemed… she almost looked lost. Like not physically, but she looked like she didn’t want to kill, that she was doing it out of necessity this time. There was almost a touch of sorrow in her face. The apathy in her in the previous picture seemed to be replaced by anguish.  
  
I didn’t say anything aloud, but I turned to look at Gerard with question in my gaze. I knew he was trying to tell me something, but my immaturity prevented me from seeing. I truly wished I was older, or at least had more life experience, right then. Gerard wouldn’t look at me; he simply took the last drag of his cigarette and crushed the butt into the ashtray. He took the art pad back and ran a couple of fingertips over her face. His voice was soft when he told me, “Be careful of what you show people, Frankie.”  
  
This wasn’t just another art lesson. There was something personal about this. Gerard was trying to tell me something, I know it! But what was I supposed to see, Journal? What am I missing? Is it really as simple as it seems? Gerard was angry and now he’s depressed? I’ve thought long and hard about it today and know I need to talk to Mikey about it. But how do I explain it to Mikey? Steal Gerard’s two pictures and show them to Mikey and explain what Gerard had said to me? Would Mikey even understand it either?  
  
Now, I’m back to not being sure if Gerard’s okay. I need help! I think _Gerard_ needs help! Please, Journal, tell me what to do and how to help Gerard! If Gerard even needs my help. I don’t know _that_ much about him. I don’t know that much about life or emotions. What help could I really offer? It seems like Gerard is trying to reach out to me, but I don’t know what he wants. I just feel helpless to save him.  
  
Or do you think I’m just making something out of nothing, Journal? Was it really _just_ another art lesson?


	37. October 12, 1999

Dear Journal,

Since that night with the art lesson about feelings showing in your drawings or whatever that was (I still don’t know!), Gerard hasn’t done or said anything else to make me worry about him. He seems back to normal. He has been steadily redrawing some of his pictures. There’s a particular one he keeps picking up, but he’ll look at it for a minute or two and then put it back down. I think he wants to redraw it, but something is stopping him. I asked him about it once, and he just told me he never really liked it to start with. I didn’t push him for more. Some of his art seems a bit personal, like an actual extension of himself, and I’m not sure he wants to open himself up completely like that yet. I can respect that, I suppose.

I got my Cause and Effect essay paper back. I failed! I got a fucking F on it! The highest grade in the class was only a D! Mr. Baker said nearly everyone fails the first paper, like that’s supposed to make me feel better. But the first paper doesn’t count for as much as the rest of the papers do. And he’s giving us a chance to revise the paper, taking into account his notes, and turn it in again. Then he’ll average out the two grades for our final grade. I thought my paper was good! Well, my causes weren’t all that sound I suppose. I mean, how many causes can one have for being gay? I’m gay because it’s the way I’m made. Period. Just… this sucks!! Maybe I should have chose a better subject.

I told Gerard about it. He sort of frowned but told me not to worry about it if Mr. Baker really said all that other stuff. I retorted he wasn’t the one that had failed a paper. He wrapped his arms around me and told me he had failed plenty of assignments at SVA. Then he said he knew how to take my mind off the failed assignment. I knew what he meant, but I kind of like making Gerard ask for what he wants. That’s still sort of new for us. So I asked him how he planned to do that. He tugged at my jeans and whispered, “I want you. Now.” I smirked and asked him exactly how he wanted me. He sort of whined then said he wanted to touch me.

I just got mean then. I told him he was already touching me. His grin grew a little, as he knew I was just aggravating him on purpose, and he growled playfully as he attached his lips to the side of my neck. He sucked on the hollow of my collarbone for a moment, and then he worked his way up to my ear with his tongue, leaving behind a cool, wet trail, while his hands stayed firmly planted on my hips. When he got to my ear, he breathed into it, “I want to touch you in that way only _I_ have touched you.”

That was all it took. I was putty in Gerard’s hands. He seems to have become rather fond of the fact that he’s my first at everything. He called me “unspoiled” once but not really to my face; he was sort of mumbling to himself as he was about to cum. But it’s not just Gerard that feels that way. I melt when he says those things to me in that way.

We managed to make it to the bedroom before we lost any articles of clothing but just. We only made it right inside the door and got it closed. He looked at me in that way he does that has become second nature to us in such a short time, asking my permission to start undressing me. I had barely nodded before he had my shirt in his hands, pulling it over my head. But he didn’t just jerk it off; Gerard always undresses me with what I can only call reverence. No matter how quickly or slowly he takes my clothes off, his eyes always take me in as if it’s the first time he’s seeing me in such a way. It makes me feel attractive, like what we do is more than just sex to Gerard. Which, I hope it is because it’s more than just sex to me.

Once I was wearing only my skin in front of him, I undressed him, mimicking as best I could the way he does me. But I don’t have to try very hard. I really am in awe of Gerard and his body. Gerard may not be the most ripped man and I’m sure there are other people that wouldn’t find Gerard attractive, but to me, he’s absolutely beautiful, nearing imperfect perfection. Once he was just as naked as I was, I ran my hands over the small pudge Gerard has just over his hips. He let me for just a moment before he put his hands on my chest and gently pushed me backwards towards the bed.

We crashed onto the bed, and Gerard’s mouth immediately found mine. We kissed for a long while, enjoying tasting each other. Gerard’s mouth always has this sweet taste to it. I sometimes wonder what I taste like to him. We finally managed to stop kissing long enough to get more comfortable on the bed. As our lips reconnected, Gerard pulled my hand down to his dick and pressed it into himself. I wrapped my fingers around the satin skin of his dick and began gently rubbing it up and down. Once his dick started leaking, I ran my thumb over his slit. Gerard bucked his hips a little, and his hand found my own hard dick.

Being pretty turned on, Gerard was only able to stroke me sloppily. I tightened my grip and picked up the pace of my hand, wanting us to pleasure each other and cum separately. Gerard stopped the motions of his hand but didn’t take it off my dick. I kissed him harder as I continued pulling on him. As Gerard neared climax, he could hardly kiss me anymore. I sat up from beside Gerard on the bed, causing Gerard’s hand to slide off of me, and used my unoccupied hand to play with his balls and gently tug at the skin covering them. The sounds from Gerard picked up until he grunted, his muscles tightened, and he came in my hand. I gave Gerard a quick kiss before grabbing my dirty t-shirt off the floor to wipe my hand on.

By the time I got back to the bed, Gerard was eager to finally get his hands on me. I just laid back and let him do his thing. His hand was warm and tight around my dick. His hand feels very different from my own, better. Very shortly after I had laid down, Gerard sat up and pulled one of my legs off to the side. I felt his other hand run over my balls and down to between my legs. I thought he was going to finger me until I felt a soft pressure just under my balls. Gerard pressed the pad of his finger harder into that spot and started rubbing it in circles. The feelings I was getting from his hand on my dick was suddenly intensified quite a bit!

Somehow, he managed to jack me off, play with my balls, and rub whatever that spot was. With the added sensation, it only took me a few minutes to cum myself. After I was able to stop panting and breathe normally again, I asked him what he had done. He told me he had played with my prostate. I didn’t realize my prostate could do that, and I told him so. He laughed softly and said next time he’d have to do it from inside, that the sensations I’ll get from him rubbing from the other side are even better. I can hardly wait!

Gerard wiped his hand off on his own shirt. He collected all of our clothes and tossed them in the laundry basket before rejoining me on the bed. We snuggled up until Gerard fell asleep. He always falls asleep before me. I wanted to write to you, so I did. Now I’m going to nestle back up to my wonderful, snoring boyfriend and go to sleep myself.

Good night, Journal.


	38. October 31, 1999 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This journal entry is three parts long!**

Dear Journal,

Today is my birthday! I am now 18 years old! I’ve only been waiting on this day for 18 years! So naturally I took it off. Gerard let me sleep in, and when I got up, he had breakfast waiting on me. He kissed me and wished me a happy birthday before he started to warm it up because it had sat there so long waiting on me it had actually went cold. He placed the plate down in front of me with a cup of coffee, and then he took a seat across the table from me. I watched him just watching me for a while. I finally asked him what. He raised an eyebrow at me and asked me how much money I had saved towards my tattoo I wanted.

Gerard has known for a while I wanted to get a jack-o-lantern on my back. I have been saving what I could towards it. I was hoping to have enough money to get it done today. And Gerard knew all of this. I told Gerard I didn’t have enough. He asked if there were other tattoos I wanted. I told him the answer was obviously yes, but I wanted my jack-o-lantern first. He scratched his chin for a minute. He really needed to shave I noticed. He finally put his hand back down and cut his eyes up to mine from where he had been staring at the kitchen table. He said as casual as Gerard always is, “I wanted to get you something for your birthday that I knew you really wanted. But I wasn’t sure what to buy you. So… you have an appointment at The Ink Works in about two hours. I’ve already paid for it.”

I just sat there looking at him with a mouthful of half chewed food for a moment. I was certain I heard him wrong. I finally managed to swallow and ask him how he knew how much it was going to cost. He told me he was sorry, but he had went through my stuff to find the pattern and took it over there a few days ago. I practically leapt across the table at him to hug him. He hugged me back really tight, kissed my cheek, and whispered, “Happy birthday, sugar.” All I could do was say thank you over and over again!

When I finally let him go, I asked him if he was coming with me. He visibly cringed and told me no, that he was deathly afraid of any type of needles. I told him he wouldn’t see it, but he told me he would still know it was there, piercing my skin thousands of times and it was just too much for him. I hugged him again, more to comfort him since he seemed upset by the whole deal, and told him thanks once more. He told me I had better get ready to go if I was going to be there on time.

I wasted no time getting ready to go. When I got back to our room after my shower, Gerard was propped up on the bed drawing. I just kept getting ready to go. When I was about ready, Gerard called my name. I turned and raised my eyebrows at him in question. He said, “I have one more gift for you. You don’t have to use it, but I thought maybe you’d like this.” He handed me the page he had been working on drawing. I took it from him and looked at it. It was a different drawing of a Halloween pumpkin. My eyes met his, and he continued. “I thought maybe you’d like to have a tattoo no one else has, so I drew that for you.”

As if Gerard hadn’t given me enough for my birthday, he had drawn me the most wonderful picture to have permanently put on my body. I was going to have Gerard’s art in my skin forever! A piece of Gerard was going to become a piece of me! I told him I loved it and carefully folded it up to put in my back jeans pocket for safe keeping. I kissed him goodbye and headed off to my appointment.

The tattoo shop wasn’t very busy. I walked up to front desk, and a lady with more piercing and tattoos than I could count asked if she could help me. I told her I had an appointment. She asked with who. I told I didn’t know, that the appointment had been made by my boyfriend (at which she gave me an odd look) as a birthday present for me. She asked my name, so I told her. She flicked through a couple of sheets of paper then told me it was with Jack, their best artist. I should have known Gerard, being an artist himself, would make sure I had their best artist. The pierced and inked lady told me to have a seat and she would let Jack know I was here.

I took a seat, but I couldn’t sit still. I ended up pacing the waiting area, looking at all the tattoo designs they had hanging on the walls. Some of them were really awesome and I would love to have done. But I was on a mission, and I was getting MY jack-o-lantern. I was checking out this really awesome design called “Lady of Sorrows” when I heard my name called. I turned to be greeted by a guy that had even more tattoos than the lady at the desk had, if that was possible. He shook my hand and introduced himself. I introduced myself back. He sort of joked that I didn’t look old enough to be “getting inked” and asked for my ID. I produced my driver’s license for him. He looked it over, nodded, and told me to follow him.

He led me back to a room that the walls were covered in photos. I looked at some of the photos as I walked in. All the work in the pictures was amazing. I asked Jack if he had done them. He smiled slightly and said, “Each and every one. You’ll be on that wall soon.” He fumbled over a pile of papers for a short time and apparently found what he had been searching for. He held up the design I had been holding onto for so long and asked me if that was the right one. I nodded shyly, but pulled the drawing Gerard had made me out of my back pocket. I asked him if I could change the pattern on short notice. He saw the paper in my hand and asked me if he could take a look. I handed the page over. Jack studied it for a while, tilting his head to one side and then the other. He finally looked up at me and said, “I can do this. It’ll take me a little longer to get setup for it, though. You mind waiting?” I replied I would wait however long it took to have that done instead.

Jack motioned towards a chair and told me to make myself comfortable. I sat down as Jack walked out of the room. Once again, the anticipation was too much for me, and I started moving again. I finally got up and took to looking at all the pictures of Jack’s work. He is REALLY a good artist. Apparently I didn’t hear Jack come back in the room. He startled me when he asked, “So where is this going?” I stuttered out a what. He said, “On your body, where do you want this inked?” I told him my upper back. He told me to take my t-shirt off and sit backwards in the chair. I followed his instructions. Jack asked me if this was my first tattoo as he got a few things situated on a table beside us. I told him it was.

Without warning, I felt him rub my back. I just about jumped out of the chair. Very rarely does anyone other than Gerard touch me, especially my bare skin. Jack said, “Whoa, easy now. I’m just cleaning your back,” and went back to wiping my back off. I mumbled a sorry and told him I just wasn’t used to people touching me. He stopped for a minute and told me he sort of HAD to touch me. I laughed out loud, realizing how bad I must have sounded, and then I told him I didn’t have anything against it, that I just wasn’t expecting it. He sort of half laughed and said, “I’m about to touch you again.” I just nodded.

I felt him rub his hands over the top bit of my back. It was actually really warm feeling. I felt what seemed like something being peeled off my skin. Jack handed me a mirror and told me to come look in the bigger mirror on the wall. I walked over and put my back to the mirror and held up the smaller mirror so I could see. There it was, Gerard’s drawing on my back. I just stood there looking at it. Jack broke my trance by asking if the placement was okay. I said it was just right. So he replied, “Well, have a seat again and let’s get started.”

I heard the buzzing of Jack’s tattoo gun for a few seconds. It stopped, and he rubbed something on my back and asked me if I was ready. I answered back with a simple, “Yep.” I heard the buzzing again. Jack’s warm hand pressed against the left side of my back, and then I felt it. I’m not sure how to describe “it”, though. Maybe like being scratched? I mean, it hurt but only a little. After a few minutes, I felt Jack move his hand. I looked and he was inking his needle up again, so I took the chance to make myself more comfortable.

Jack worked silently for a while, but he finally asked me why a Halloween pumpkin. I told him Halloween had always been my favorite holiday and it was also my birthday. He said, “Today’s your birthday?” I nodded. He laughed and said he obviously wasn’t paying attention when he checked my ID. He asked if I had drawn my stencil. I smiled, thinking of Gerard, and told him that my boyfriend had drawn it for me as part of my birthday gift. Jack didn’t say anything at first. I thought maybe he was wearing the same expression the woman at the front desk had shown me until he spoke back up again. “His name starts with a G, right? What is it…” he faded out like he was asking himself. “Gerard,” I spoke up. “That’s it!” he replied eagerly.

Jack proceeded to tell me how impressed he was with Gerard in the limited time they had spoken. He liked Gerard’s “artistic eye” he said. He said Gerard had great taste in tattoos. When he finally took a breath, I interjected that I thought Gerard was a really great artist, that he drew AMAZING pictures. I heard Jack chuckle before he said, “I suppose I shouldn’t be gushing like a girl over your boyfriend, should I?” I looked over my shoulder and asked him if he was gay. He smirked and said, “Naw, dude. I like pussy too much to be gay.” I laughed at what he said and told him as long as he wasn’t gay, I didn’t mind him talking about Gerard’s artistic abilities. We spent a little more time talking about Gerard and our relationship. But thankfully, Jack avoided asking personal questions.

We had moved on to talking about music for some time when I realized Jack’s gun had stopped buzzing and he was cleaning my back again. By that point, my back had pretty much become numb. Jack handed me the small mirror again and motioned towards to mirror hanging on the wall. I stood with my back to it again, and slowly raised the mirror in my hand.

It was perfect. It IS perfect!

I was beyond eager to show it to Gerard and I reached for my shirt. Jack told me to hold on for a minute, he wasn’t done. He told me to sit back down, so I did. He rubbed some balm over my new tattoo and then pulled out a camera. He asked if he could take a couple of shots, and I nodded. He snapped three pictures and put the camera down on the table. Jack put a dressing over my back, saying it would protect it from my t-shirt rubbing it. I thanked Jack for his work, and he said to come back again. I asked him if I owed him anything. He said Gerard had settled with him, so I was free to go. With that I was out of the tattoo shop and on my way back home.


	39. October 31, 1999 (Part Two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This journal entry is three parts long!**
> 
> I am SO sorry I left you all just hanging midchapter for so long. I've been working on other projects for a while, and I took a break from writing fanfics. I am back to writing them now, and I'm also working on some new oneshots. I even signed up for [Kink Bingo](http://kinkbingo.livejournal.com/1293.html) on LiveJournal, so you can expect those stories to start cropping up soon. 
> 
> *sighs* Wow. It's great to be back! I hope I haven't lost too many of you! 
> 
> Hugs and loves! And see you soon!  
> Miz

I pulled up to the house, and the outside of the house was all decked out for Halloween. None of it had been there when I had left. There were all sorts of “scary” decorations in the yard, and even a full mock graveyard with a smoke machine. But the thing that I was most curious about was the number of cars in the driveway! I had to park on the curb! I knew before I climbed out of the car what was going on. There was a party inside our house waiting on me. I can’t say I wasn’t excited!

As I opened the car door and started to climb out, I was met by a freshly showered and shaved Gerard. He had this smug grin on his face that he was trying hard to hide. As I stepped out of the car, he slid his hands around my waist and breathed hi to me as he leaned in to kiss me. After allowing our lips to linger together for a minute, he pulled away and asked me how it went. I told him it was a long story I was going to have to tell him all about. He asked if he could see it. I told him it was all bandaged up right now but definitely later on and quickly followed it up with “You don’t have to act all nonchalant. I’m very aware there is something going on inside our house.” Gerard quit trying to hide his grin and let it grow into a full, teeth bearing smile.

“What can I say?” he kind of whispered. “Everyone loves you so much, and they all wanted to wish you a happy birthday.” I asked him who “they all” were. He simply replied, “Everyone,” and started pulling me towards the house.

The inside of the house had been decorated, too! It was all done up in Halloween colors. It was just the Ways plus Alicia and her mom there, but it was awesome. They were here to help me celebrate my birthday. Before Gerard could get the door shut, Donna had pulled me into a tight hug, unaware of my recent activities. I kind of squirmed before I could stop myself. She quickly let go with a confused look on her face. Before I could explain, Gerard had already started. He told her I had gotten my birthday present from him already, which is where I had been. He told her about my new tattoo. Her expression quickly drew apologetic and she said, “Oh, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” Then she hugged me more carefully, wishing me a happy birthday as she did.

Mikey had made his way over while Donna had been hugging me. He said, “You got it done? Well let’s see it then!” I blushed but pulled my shirt off. Gerard helped me pull off the bandage Jack had put over it. Then everyone took to studying my back. It was kind of weird. Gerard was the first to step back around front of me. He looked almost proud. He said, “So you used my design?” I stepped closer to him, not caring the others were still looking at my new tattoo, and linked our fingers. I kissed him softly and told him “Of course I used it, silly. It was perfect.” I heard Donna “aww” at us, and then I heard Don say softly, “Donna, don’t embarrass them.” Gerard laughed softly and said he was taking me away from my party. I really didn’t care. I would have been happy to spend my whole birthday with just Gerard, but it would be rude to do that when they had all come over for me.

“We have something for you!” Donna called excitedly like she had forgotten until that moment. “Come. Sit,” she practically ordered me. Gerard put the dressing back over my tattoo, I pulled my shirt back on, and I did as I was told. After all, Donna is the mother I wish I had. Before I knew it, there were two large gifts and a small, flat one in front of me. Donna quickly started telling me that she knew there weren’t but a few, but they had all pitched in to buy them, and the whole thing was Alicia’s idea. I looked to Alicia, who I had yet to have a chance to speak to. She smiled and wiggled her fingers in a wave to me. I took a minute to greet her and ask her how she was. She said she was good but to open my presents.

Alicia handed me the small, flat one first. She said she would explain it when I was done with all three. I opened it. It was a package of silver sticker letters. Don stepped forward and laid one of the large gifts in my lap. Between the fact Alicia had come up with it and the size and shape of the gift, I had a very strong feeling what it was. And I was right. The Ways plus Alicia had bought me a guitar. But not just any guitar. An Epiphone Les Paul, a white one! Well, Alpine Snow to be exact. I stuttered trying to force the words out of my mouth. It was too much. Seriously, it was WAY too much! These guitars aren’t cheap… AT ALL!! I looked around the room at everyone. Mikey had his arm draped over Alicia’s shoulders, a small grin on his lips. Alicia was practically beaming at me. Don had only a hint of a smile on his lips, and he nodded his head when I made eye contact. I quickly looked to Donna and tried to tell her once more I couldn’t accept such a gift, but before I could finish my sentence, she waved her hand dismissively at me and said, “Nonsense.”

I shifted my gaze to Gerard. He was looking at me like I was the best thing he had ever seen. I could just see and feel the emotions coming off of him in waves. Surely he would understand, though. “Gerard… I can’t… tell me you had nothing to do with this,” I nearly whispered. His cheeks flushed, and he said, “I might have helped a little.” I tried to tell him he was giving me too much: the tattoo, the drawing, helping with the guitar and what I was guessing was an amp still wrapped in birthday paper. He cut me off with, “You still have one more to open, Frankie.” I slowly unwrapped it. Sure enough, it was an amp. But not just _any_ amp; it was a full size Marshall amp. I mean, not rock star on a concert stage sized, but three times bigger than the tiny thing my ex-parents gave me.

I gave up trying to convince them it was all too much. I just had one question, so I asked it. “Why?” They all started talking at once. That forced a laugh out of my throat. I held my hands up, causing them to all stop talking, and told them one at a time. Alicia didn’t give anyone else a chance to start. She immediately told me, “Whether you admit it or not, you are SO much better than me on the guitar, Frank. With the right equipment, which you have now, you can actually go places with playing.” Before I could respond, Gerard spoke up. Of course he had my full attention. Of all of them, I wanted to know why HE was doing this for me. But I was not expecting what came out of his mouth, so softly yet without question.

“Because you’re family now, Frankie. To everyone.”

I think my heart stopped. I know for sure I couldn’t breathe. “Family” Gerard had said. I had a—no, I HAVE a family again. A loving, caring, understanding family. My vision went blurry, and I couldn’t stop the warm tears from falling from my eyes. I heard Donna quickly cross the short distance between us, calling out, “Oh, honey…” She wrapped me in a warm embrace, and kept talking. “Why wouldn’t we love you? You are such a wonderful, sweet boy!” Before I knew it, I was pulled to my feet, and all of them, even Don, were hugging me at once. I felt Gerard’s hand slide into mine, and he gave it a tight squeeze. I squeezed it back.

Mikey was the first to speak again, saying enough with the mushy crap and that there was cake to eat. I was actually grateful for Mikey right then. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable. I was ushered to the table, and everyone stood around me. After a minute, Donna came towards the table carrying a cake decorated for Halloween that had “Happy 18th Birthday, Frank!” written on it. And just like on Gerard’s birthday, it was covered in lit candles. They all sang to me, and I blew out the candles. But I didn’t have a wish this year because my biggest wish, the only one I could think of, had come true. All I could do was thank whatever higher power there is for a fantastic birthday and the wonderful family that had unofficially adopted me.

As we were all eating cake, the trick-or-treaters began coming to the door. I was quick to get up and answer the door, not paying attention that I had no candy to give them. As soon as I noticed, Mikey was beside me with a huge bowl of candy. “Forgetting something?” I took the bowl and threw a handful of candy at him shouting, “No!” Mikey and the three kids at the door just laughed. I made a big production of trying to guess their costumes, which were actually pretty obvious. But the kids seemed to love it. I gave them a few pieces of candy each, and they ran back to the sidewalk to their parents.

I shut the door and turned around to find everyone sitting around just looking at me. I asked what. Alicia holds up my new guitar, and I noticed she had set everything up. They all started chanting, “Play! Play! Play!” I slumped my head to my chest, embarrassed already. I saw Alicia’s shoes in my view just as I smelled her floral scent. She put her arm around mine and pulled me towards my new, awaiting family. She leaned in close to my ear and whispered, “You have to. It’s the least you can do.” Then she pulled away and reached for the letter stickers. “But first,” she said in her regular voice, “you have to name… her?” and held out the letters to me. I took them and looked at my new guitar. I didn’t have to think. I knew exactly what I was going to call her.

I opened the package up and took my guitar into my lap. I started carefully sticking the letters on her. P-A-N-S-Y. It was the perfect name. _She_ was perfect. I ran my fingertips over the letters and then turned her to face everyone so they could all see her name. “Why ‘Pansy’?” Alicia asked. I looked right at her and told her the truth. “It was my nickname, a long time ago.” Gerard surprised me by speaking up, telling me I had better start playing Pansy now.

So I did. I was a little rusty, as I hadn’t played in few months, but it didn’t take me long to get it right. I played a song I wrote, too. A song I wrote for Gerard, though I would never admit it in front of all of them. When I was done, they gave me a standing ovation. Gerard wrapped his arms around me and snuggled into my side. “I’ve never heard you play before,” he said softly, almost seductively. “You are _really_ good at your art, Frankie.” A wave of nervousness at the fact Gerard had never heard me play ran through me for a minute until I realized he had just heard me play. It was too late for performance jitters!

The rest of the night was spent just hanging out, talking, laughing, and handing out candy to all the kids that came knocking on our door. All too soon, Alicia’s mom said they needed to go. Alicia tried to quietly ask to stay, but her mom gave her that mom look and told her tomorrow was a school day. I got up and hugged her, thanking her for the wonderful birthday gift. She quickly told me I had better come over soon so we could jam together. I told her she could count on it. As soon as Alicia was gone, Don and Donna stood up. I told them they couldn’t leave so early. Donna put her hand on my shoulder and told me it was already after ten and added, “Besides, I’m sure you want to spend some time alone with Gee on your birthday.” Leave it to Donna to say that! She didn’t wait for a reply, thank God! She hugged me tightly once again, careful of my back from the start this time. Don shook my hand and told me to make sure Gerard takes care of me. I assured him Gerard took very good care of me. “If he doesn’t, you let me know,” he said, patting my shoulder.


	40. October 31, 1999 (Part Three)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This journal entry is three parts long!**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to a wonderful friend of mine, Amy! She is by far one of the best people I know, and I love her dearly! And I think this is probably the best chapter to dedicate to her too! (It is HANDS DOWN my favorite chapter of this fic written to date!)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

Soon enough, it was just Mikey, Gerard, and me again. I looked around the living room at the mess. Mikey saw me and told me he’d take care of it and to go spend the rest of my birthday with Gerard. Gerard stood from his place on the edge of the sofa and hugged his brother. Then he took my hand and started leading me towards our bedroom. I heard Mikey shout towards us, “But PLEASE try to keep it down in there!” I giggled, but I didn’t think we were going to be doing that. I mean, we don’t really do those sorts of things too often, and we’ve only had sex the once.

Gerard shut the door behind us. I just stood there awkward like. I mean, it seemed like everyone but us knew we going to do something. Gerard put a hand on either side of my face and kissed me, long and deep and lovingly. We finally had to breathe, and Gerard let me go. He asked if he could see my tattoo again. I told him of course since he had drawn it and paid for it. He pulled the bandage off again, and I felt his cool fingertips brush over the edges of it. “The artist did a good job on it. I think he made my drawing look even better.” I said, “Jack.” Gerard asked me what, so I told him the artist’s name was Jack. Gerard feigned jealousy and asked me if _Jack_ had left an impression on me. I half smiled and told him no but he had sure seemed to make an impression on Jack. Gerard looked at me quizzically, so I told him what all Jack had said about him. Gerard seemed a little embarrassed by the compliments.

We moved over to the bed, and I went on to tell him how it went at the shop. He’d ask a question or two between sentences. He seemed genuinely interested in how it had gone. I told him the whole story, not leaving out any details, just I like I told you earlier, Journal. When I got to the end, Gerard asked me if I needed more stuff put over my tattoo. I told him I did, but I’d have to go get it, that I had left it on the shelf by the door with my keys. Gerard told me he’d get it and dashed out of the room before I could stop him. But he must have literally ran there and back because he was back in less than a minute. He was unscrewing the lid before he even made it back to the bed. I turned myself on the bed and let my head fall forwards. I felt his cool fingers softly rub the goopy stuff into my tattoo. And I have to admit, the coolness of his fingers felt SO GOOD over my inflamed skin! I think Gerard could tell I was enjoying it because it took him three or four times longer to rub that balm over my back than it took Jack. I heard Gerard start screwing the lid back on the tub, and I’m pretty sure I groaned at the lack of his hand.

As he laid down on the bed, he asked me what band sang the song I had played. I played with the sheets and mumbled I had wrote it. I could see Gerard nod his head in my side vision. After about fifteen seconds of silence, in which I’m sure Gerard was thinking, he asked me who I wrote it for. I tried not to hesitate too long and replied “I wrote it for someone who is really special to me.” There was another quick passage of silent time. Then Gerard asked very softly, “Did you write that for me, Frankie?” My eyes quickly shot up to meet his, and I immediately fired back, “What makes you think that?” He said, “Besides the fact your eyes kept drifting towards mine while you were playing it? The fact you just used the present tense. So either you wrote it for Mikey… or me.”

Well, what could I do, Journal? He had already figured it out. So I told him yeah, I wrote it for him. He asked me if there were lyrics to it. I said kind of, but they weren’t finished yet. And they weren’t all that good. Thank God, Gerard didn’t ask to hear or see them. He seemed to have let it go at that. Plus, Gerard understands unfinished art.

Gerard pulled me over top of him and brought my lips down to meet his. The kiss started out gentle and love filled, but it quickly grew harder and more desire filled. As the kiss broke, I felt Gerard palm my now hard dick through my jeans. I let out a low moan. Gerard shifted a little like he was trying to reach for something. I moved so he could, and he reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out a condom. I looked at it for a moment. I knew what Gerard wanted… or so I thought. I said we’d have to do it with me on my stomach. Gerard’s lips curled into his sweet smile at me and said, “No. You fuck me, Frank.”

I was instantly frozen by fear. After I had been just looking between Gerard’s face and the condom for entirely too long, I heard Gerard call my name in question. When I looked at him, he asked me what was wrong. I forced my vocal chords to work and told him I didn’t know how to do that, how to do what he did to me. He laid the condom down on his still clothed stomach and rubbed his hands up and down over my upper arms. He said he was well aware of that, but he would talk me through it just like he has done before. Okay, I can do that. Gerard has always been a good teacher, but… another wave of fear went through me as the thought entered my mind. I asked him but what if I hurt him. He smiled at me, but I could see him trying to hide the painful emotions that question raised. He said, “You’d have to try really hard to hurt me worse than I’ve been hurt before, Frankie.” That was NOT very reassuring, and I told him that. I didn’t want to hurt him just as much as he didn’t want to hurt me! He said he promised to let me know when I did something wrong, but he would be fine even when I hurt him a little. He went on that he knew I wouldn’t be doing it intentionally and that I had to learn and learning means making mistakes. This was FAR from the best pep talk Gerard had ever given me! He practically told me I WAS going to hurt him. How did he expect me to keep going after that?!

Right when I was about to put a stop to everything, Gerard said, “I want you, Frankie. I want to connect with your body and your soul again just like we did the last time. I can’t do that with you on your stomach, and you can’t lay on your back right now. So please? Fuck me?” It wasn’t just me; Gerard had felt it, too! I wanted to—no, I wanted _us_ to feel that again, to share that with each other again. I slowly nodded my head and moved the condom over to the nightstand. Gerard looked where I had moved the condom to and back to me. I told him in reply to his odd look that I wanted to build up to it. He smiled with understanding then kissed me with just enough passion for it to melt away all of my fears but soft enough that I could feel the powerful emotions stirring between us.

We kept kissing, only coming up for air when we felt like we were about to lose consciousness. I tried desperately to feel Gerard’s tender, pale skin with my hands, but his shirt kept getting in my way. I sat up abruptly and started pulling his shirt off without even allowing him to separate his back from the mattress. When I finally got his shirt off, thanks to Gerard’s help, I just threw it in any direction that was away from where we were. That didn’t seem like enough for Gerard. He quickly took to getting my jeans off of my body, which was followed by both of us struggling to get the other completely bare while also being undressed simultaneously. Shoes, socks, pants, and underwear all went flying, nothing going the same direction. “Away” was all the direction we cared about.

As soon as we were both stark naked, our mouths and bodies immediately crashed together, my hands on Gerard’s shoulder blades and Gerard’s hands on my ass, both of us trying desperately to pull the other even closer. I felt Gerard’s dick rub against mine, and it caused me to notice just how painfully hard I was. I’d had enough foreplay. I reached in the drawer and found the lube. Once Gerard saw what I had, he let out a soft sound I can’t describe and spread his legs under me. I climbed off his body. With every inch I moved away, the desperation in my gut to reestablish that contact grew. But I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain patience. I knew what I was about to do couldn’t be rushed.

I sat the way Gerard had sat next to me, off to his side and pulling his knee towards my hip over my thigh. I put some lube on my fingers and reached my hand down between his legs. I tried to recall all the details of what Gerard had done to me so he wouldn’t have to instruct me too much. I slid one finger into him, and Gerard let out another indescribable soft sound. The first inch just felt tight around my finger, but past that Gerard’s inside were pillowy soft and extremely silky feeling. By the look on his face I could tell he was definitely more used to this that me. After only a few second, Gerard breathed out “Two,” with an exhale. I knew exactly what he meant, so I did as he asked. But then I didn’t remember what to do. I slid my fingers in and out a few times before I hesitated.

When Gerard figured out I was lost, he told me without raising his head off the pillows that it would be difficult but to spread my fingers apart. I again followed his instructions. The muscles of his asshole didn't seem to want to give, but I kept trying. Eventually, maybe after a few minutes, I could tell I was making progress. I was feeling more confident, so without permission I pulled my two fingers out and pushed three back in. Gerard didn’t make any noise this time, but instead I felt him, or probably his hips acting on their own like mine do, push up against my hand.

It finally occurred to me that I had been so focused on prepping Gerard properly that I had forgotten everything else. I managed to get myself far enough up for my lips to touch his. I kissed him while managing to still work my fingers inside of him. Gerard didn’t seem to have the coordination to kiss me back very well. I couldn’t help but think I want to be like Gerard someday, to enjoy this as much as he was. When our lips separated themselves, Gerard breathed “Now,” over my lips. This one word instruction made me think a little more, but I understood it. I kissed him again as I pulled my fingers out of him.

I straddled Gerard as I reached for the condom. For the first time in a while, Gerard raised his eyes to look into mine. I sensed he wanted to say something, but he never did. I unrolled the condom over my now leaking dick. I wasn’t sure I was going to last very long, but I was damn sure going to try! I lubed myself then Gerard up. I suddenly noticed my lack of forethought; I had forgotten something to wipe my hand on. I looked around, but Gerard said, “Just use the sheets. I’ll change them later if I have to,” and he sounded really desperate. I wiped my hand as close to the edge of the bed as I could.

As I lined the head of my dick up to Gerard’s ass, I realized with shocking clarity that I was about to give Gerard my _second_ virginity. But that was not a bad thought by any means. In fact, it was probably the best feeling I had had all day! You know what, Journal? It WAS the best feeling I had all day, even better than knowing I have a family again! I touched my dick to his asshole and pressed myself in. OH FUCK, Journal! There really aren’t words strong enough to tell you just how AMAZING it felt. I was so completely lost in the bliss of how warm and tight and soft… and just… just how DAMN WONDERFUL it felt to have Gerard envelope me like that that I forgot to stop entering him after just the head of my dick to give him a chance to adjust. I heard Gerard’s pain-laced voice call, “Frank,” and I quickly froze. He reminded me as gently as he could with his strained voice to just wait a minute. I blushed and started uttering apologies. Gerard’s fingertips gently brushed over my reddened cheek as he shushed me. I started to tell him I didn’t meant to hurt him, but he cut me off with, “I know, Frankie. It’s an amazing feeling, though, isn’t it? Being inside someone else?” I told him I couldn’t even say how much. Then he told me he just needed a minute, that it had been a while for him.

I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just ran my hands over Gerard’s chest and stomach watching him breathe. My gaze started traveling down Gerard’s body, and I realized what I was trying to see. Even though I was embarrassed by it, I simply HAD to look. I took one last glimpse of Gerard’s face to make sure he wasn’t watching me, and cut my eyes down to my dick inside of him. I only had about half my length in him, but it was a REALLY hot sight, and my hips moved involuntarily. I heard Gerard moan when I did. I brought my gaze back to his face just in time for him to look up at me. He simply said, “Slowly.” I nodded, and he smiled. He slid one of his hands into mine and put our hands, the back of his against the mattress, beside the side of his head, pulling me down over top of him. I could feel myself going deeper into Gerard as I leaned over him. I felt my abdomen press flush against Gerard’s ass. I was completely inside of him now, and just… WOW!! And I hadn’t even started moving yet! But I needed something before I did. I pressed my mouth firmly over Gerard’s and kissed him with all the feelings that were filling my body, mind, and soul. It seemed like Gerard was kissing me back with those same feelings. As I broke the kiss off, I pulled out of Gerard just slightly. Slowly I pushed back in, and the friction on my dick had my head swimming. I was now certain I wasn’t going to last long.

I pulled out and thrust back in again. I made a split second decision I had to do something to Gerard or I was going to cum LONG before him, so I reached down to wrap my hand around his dick. I was surprised to find Gerard’s own hand there. Through his labored breathing he managed to tell me to just focus on what I was doing for now. Not for selfish reasons, I was completely okay with that! I was seriously struggling to focus on just _one_ thing. I closed my eyes and just let the pleasure wash over me. After what seemed like forever, I couldn’t hold my head up any longer; it fell back with my mouth hanging open, moans and pants escaping me. I heard Gerard call out, “Frankie,” and forced my head up and my eyes open, my mouth still hanging agape. Our eyes locked together, and I just knew that was all he wanted, to just look at me. His expression mirrored mine, eyes trying desperately not to close and jaw hanging slack.

And there it was again, that feeling I had wanted! That feeling of being so close to Gerard, both physically and mentally. And even as cliché and melodramatic as it sounds, I swear I felt like Gerard and I were one being at that moment. I know Gerard felt it, too. His eyes softened, and his hand cupped my sweaty cheek and neck. I leaned my head into his hand. I saw the corners of his mouth draw up as he tried to smile with his open mouth. Time suddenly stopped. Everything I was feeling, emotionally and physically, all clicked into place, and I had a moment of enlightenment. Or maybe it was immaturity and idiocracy. I didn’t know which. But I couldn’t stop myself. The words formed themselves on my tongue before I could bite them back.

“I love you, Gerard.”

Time continued to stand still as Gerard seemed to be searching my face for something. I didn’t know what. Instinctively the motion of my hips slowed. He wasn’t going to say it back. I had made a complete fool of myself. His hand let go of mine, and both of his hands grabbed my hips and completely stopped them from moving. We lay there together, me inside of him and his dick leaking all over his stomach, both of us panting for air and sweating profusely. I KNEW IT! I had ruined me giving Gerard my second virginity! That’s what I thought, Journal. It’s what I really thought… until he spoke. “You mean it, Frankie?” I looked at him intensely and searched the inner depths of my soul. Yes, I did mean it and not just because of the sex. I could live for this man under me. I would follow him to the end of the Earth, and I would die for him if it came to it. I LOVE HIM!

I shyly looked away, but Gerard’s hand brought my gaze back to his. I nodded weakly, fighting back tears I hadn’t noticed until then. Gerard smiled at me, and with the most honest face I have ever seen him wear, he whispered, “I love you, too, Frankie.” With those five words, I lost the battle to hold back my tears, and they freely ran down my face. Looking back at it now, Journal, I’m not even sure why I was crying other than the fact I was just so overwhelmed with emotions right then. I saw Gerard draw his lower lip in between his teeth, and I needed to have that lip, BOTH of his lips, pressed against mine right then.

As our lips collided, time suddenly charged forward again. Gerard moved his hips under mine, and I started gently but quickly thrusting my dick into him again. We finally had to separate our mouths so we could breathe again. Gerard’s hand fell from my face to his dick, and he started to stroke himself hard. All of the emotions I was feeling and the incredible sensation of Gerard’s warm, soft insides wrapped around me added to the sight of Gerard jacking himself off and the contact of his fist ever so lightly brushing up against my stomach was more than I could handle anymore. I pressed my hips as close to Gerard’s ass as I could physically get them, and allowed myself to fall over the edge with Gerard’s name on my lips.

I managed to look down at Gerard, and he was watching me slip off into the euphoria of post-orgasmic bliss, his hand still working at bringing him to where I was. I don’t know how long I leaned over him like that. I was brought back to reality by the feeling of Gerard clenching his ass around my now overly sensitive dick. The sounds escaping his throat were that of pure ecstasy. I immediately collapsed over his chest, not caring that I was smearing his cum over my stomach. One of Gerard’s hands threaded itself into my hair and enclosed his fingers around it while his other arm wrapped itself tightly around my ribcage, like he just couldn’t bear to let go of me quite yet. I know because I was feeling the same thing.

We were eventually able to untangle ourselves from each other. I grabbed one of our shirts off the floor for us to clean what we could of ourselves up. Gerard asked me if I wanted a shower, and I told him no. I told him I was content to sleep with him on my skin tonight. He sort of laughed and said, “Me, too.” We surveyed the damage to the sheets and discovered they really hadn’t gotten much on them so there was no use in changing them. We snuggled back into the bed, me curled up tightly against Gerard’s chest and Gerard’s hand gently stroking my hair mindlessly. “You did well to have never topped. I hardly had to tell you anything,” Gerard said. I slid my head back to his shoulder so we could just barely make eye contact and told him I had a really good teacher. He chuckled, and we got quiet again for a while.

I had almost dozed off when Gerard spoke again. “I’ve never told anyone that before,” was all he said. I should have known what he meant, but in my half asleep state, my mind wasn’t working properly. I asked him what he meant. He replied, “I’ve never told anyone I loved them before. Well, outside of family.” Suddenly the exhaustion of the day’s events drained from my body. I asked him about Bob. I said he must have loved Bob, considering how hard Gerard had taken them breaking up. Gerard said he did love Bob on some level. I asked him if Bob told Gerard he loved him. Gerard nodded and said Bob told him that often, but he had never been able to bring himself to say those words back to Bob.

I was trying so hard not to, but the words came out of my mouth anyway. “Why did you say them back to me then?” I mentally kicked myself, but Gerard didn’t appear affected by those words at all. And he didn’t hesitate to reply, “Because I care about you more than I have ever cared about anyone, even Mikey. Because I love you, Frank. Not just on _some_ level, but _all_ the levels.” There was a little silence, and then Gerard asked me why I had said those words to him to start with. I thought about how to answer that before I spoke, and even when I did answer I wasn’t sure it was really what I wanted to say. “Because it felt like I would explode if I didn’t put into words what I was feeling. It just hit me right at that moment that I would do anything for you, even if that meant die for you. Isn’t that what love is?” Gerard nodded his head and said, “Yes. But I hope you never have to die for me, Frankie. That would be a sin against nature, for someone so close to perfection to die for such an unworthy soul as mine.”

Those last five words struck me like a bullet. I opened my mouth to argue, to tell Gerard that I thought _he_ was the near flawless one, but Gerard made eye contact quickly and said, “Let’s go to bed, Frankie. It’s been a long day.” I wasn’t going to give up that easily. I took a breath, and opened my mouth again. “Happy birthday, Frankie.” He was clearly not going to let me speak my mind. I sighed and settled myself under the covers. Gerard lit him a cigarette and flipped off the light. I listened to the sounds of him smoking, trying not to let my thoughts wonder back to Gerard thinking so poorly of himself. He put out his cigarette and curled his body around mine.

A while later, I felt Gerard jerk, then he mumbled, “Hey, Frankie?” I replied, “Yeah, Gee.” There was a pause, and then I heard him breathe, “I love you.” I smiled and said “I love you, too.” Not even a full minute later, I heard Gerard’s soft snoring telling me he was asleep. I tried to drift off myself, but I couldn’t hold all this in any longer. I had to write it all down for you, Journal! I had to tell you about the BEST birthday I have ever had! And I’m pretty sure I will never have a better birthday!

When I started writing this, there was only a few minutes left of my birthday. Now it is past three in the morning. I am going to be dead in class tomorrow. You think Gerard will let me skip? I don’t think so either, but I’m definitely going to ask him. Maybe he’ll surprise me.

Good night, Journal.


	41. November 7, 1999 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This journal entry is two parts long!**
> 
>  
> 
> I know I just updated this four days ago, but I feel like updating it again. I've been rereading it, gearing up to start writing it again, and I'm just all feels about this story! (I hate that term, but it's accurate for this.) Hopefully when I start writing it again it will be just a good.

Dear Journal,

This morning started out weird. I was supposed to work a mid-shift at work. I got up like usual. Gerard was just sitting at the table drinking coffee. I kissed him good morning and got myself something to eat. Mikey came in as I was close to being done with breakfast. We chatted for a couple of minutes. I put my dishes in the sink and headed off to get a shower. I got washed, dried off, and dressed to head to work. I walked back into the bedroom. Gerard was sitting on the side of the bed, his ankles crossed and sort of leaned back propped up on his arms. And then things got weird.

Weird thing number 1: Gerard asked me why I was wearing my work clothes. I told him in the best DUH! voice I could manage, “I have to work.” He sat upright, lit a cigarette, and then finally said, “No you don’t. I called you in sick,” like it was common knowledge. Then he took another draw off his cigarette like it was nothing. I told him he couldn’t do that because I wasn’t sick. He took yet another draw (I think he was playing with me making me wait for answers!) and then said, “You rarely take sick days.” He rested his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray and walked over to me. He put his hand on my forehead, made a thinking face, and then proceeded to feel me up. He casually walks back over to the bed, sits back down, and picks his cigarette back up. As he’s lifting it to his lips, he says, “Besides, you don’t feel so good to me.” I knew he was toying with me for sure now. I told him a week ago I felt fine to him, if not better. He said people can get sick _really_ fast sometimes. I just raised an eyebrow at him. He kept this oddly casual face he had had the entire conversation as he walked over to the dresser and dug out clothes from my drawers.

Weird thing number 2: Gerard picked out clothes for me to wear. He walks over to me, hands me the clothes, and tells me I’ll start feeling better after I change my clothes. I smirked and asked Gerard what he was up to. He kissed my forehead and said “I’m helping you feel better.” I knew Gerard had something going on, but I also knew the only way I was going to find out what it was was to play along. So I changed my clothes. Gerard had picked out my tightest jeans and one of my favorite band t-shirts. I pulled off my work clothes and tossed them on the bed. I wiggled my legs into my jeans, buttoned and zipped them, and then pulled my shirt on.

Weird thing number 3: Once I was dressed, Gerard put my shoes on me. Seriously, Journal!! Like I was a kid or something! He patted the bed for me to sit down, and then he proceeded to put my shoes on me! When he had tied them to his liking (I guess? What in the hell was he doing putting my shoes on me?!), he patted the tops of my feet, and said kind of sing-song-y, “Let’s go out. You want to?” Well, at this point, I would have felt bad saying no, so it’s good thing he had seriously piqued my interest as to what in the hell was going on. I sort of nodded my head, still looking at him like he had grown a THIRD head, because by now two heads just wouldn’t have seemed strange in the least.

Weird thing number 4: Mikey was acting strange. As Gerard and I entered the living room and headed for the door, Mikey turns from his place on the sofa and asks Gerard if we’re ready to go. And it was obvious Mikey knew more than I knew about what was going on. Gerard replied, “Yep. I just have to get Frankie’s hoodie and coat.” Gerard reached in the coat closet and produced my coat and helped me put it on. Then he pulled his own jacket on before grabbing my favorite Black Flag hoodie out of the closet. I heard Mikey tell us to have a great day. He paused and then added to himself, “Good luck, Frank.” when he thought I couldn’t hear him anymore (I guess? Metal note, remember to ask Mikey about the “good luck” comment!)

That was about where the weird ended. After that Gerard just seemed to be excited and keeping a secret. After driving for a few minutes with only the radio for background noise, I reached over and turned it down a little. I figured I wasn’t going to get an answer, but I asked anyway, “Gerard, where are we going?” Gerard glanced at me, his face radiating love and affection at me, and asked, “Have I ever taken you out on a date before, Frankie?” I had to think about that one for a minute, and the answer I came up with actually surprised me: no, Gerard and I had never been on an “official” date. I didn’t have to answer Gerard’s question, though. He already knew the answer; he was just waiting for me to answer that question for myself. As soon as he realized I had an answer, he said, “I’m taking you out on a date, Frankie, a really cheesy date. I think it’s been too long already.” I didn’t say it, but I’ve never been on _any_ dates actually. Gerard was unknowingly giving me another first.

I didn’t question him anymore. I decided to let Gerard have his fun. A few more minutes later, we pulled up to the movie theater. Gerard found a parking spot and told me before he got out of the car to not open my door. I thought that was kind of odd, but I waited. Gerard got out of the car and walked around to my side of the car. Then he opened my door and said as he extended his hand towards me, “Shall we?” I took his hand and got out of the car, a smile seemingly etched permanently on my face. He wrapped my hand around his arm and patted the top of my hand.

We walked up to the ticket booth, and Gerard didn’t even have to look at the display board. The lady behind the glass asked if she could help us and Gerard asked for two tickets to House on Haunted Hill. Gerard paid for the tickets, and the lady handed him the two tickets and told us to enjoy the show. We walked into the theater. The smell of freshly popped popcorn greeted us warmly. My arm still in Gerard’s, we walked up to the concession counter. He told me to order whatever I wanted. The kid—he was definitely younger than me—behind the counter asked what he could get for us. Gerard asked me “Popcorn and a soda?” I told him “and Skittles.” He ordered, and the kid went to getting our order together. Gerard pulled out more money, and I asked him to let me pay for the movie snacks. He smiled at me, placed a kiss on my lips, and simply said, “My date, my treat.” I didn’t argue with him.

We sat in the middle of the theater seating half way up the aisle, so we were literally in the center. Gerard pulled me close, and we nibbled on popcorn while we waited for the movie to start. Soon the movie started, and we snuggled in to watch it. It was a pretty good movie, a horror flick, from what I could see of it. About fifteen minutes into the movie, Gerard’s hand found its way into my lap. He wasn’t intentionally teasing me, I don’t think. But I was completely unable to focus on anything other than the warmth of his hand on the inside of my thigh and the small circular motions it was moving in. As the movie neared its end, I was painfully hard and close to needing to jack myself off in the restroom, with or without Gerard’s help.

I finally grasped his hand, a little tighter than I meant to, and lifted it off my leg. Gerard immediately looked at me with a very concerned expression. I tried to tell him about my “problem”, but he couldn’t hear me over the movie. So I pulled his hand down and placed it on my hard dick. In the flickering light of the movie, I could see Gerard’s face go through a series of emotions—shock, guilt, sympathy, lust—in a matter of seconds. He quickly pulled his hand away and squeezed mine, mouthing (or he could have been actually talking for all I could hear), “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” I smiled softly at him and mouthed back, “I know.” He pulled my head towards him and placed a kiss on my lips. As best we could with an armrest between us, Gerard wrapped his arm around my shoulders and snuggled me close.

By the time the movie was over, most of the blood had finally drained from my dick. We got up and started to head out of the theater. We had our arms wrapped around each other’s waist. From behind us, I heard someone call out “FAGS!” and then a group of them started laughing. I tried to turn to see them, but Gerard’s hand caught my chin. I looked to him, and he said, without a hint of anger or anything, “Don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing their insults hurt you, Frankie.” Gerard’s lips pulled into a tight smile, and only then could I see the hurt in his expression. I don’t really know if I was trying to make a statement or cheer up Gerard or what, but I leaned over and pecked his lips. Gerard’s fake smile turned into a genuine full smile then, even as the comments about how they didn’t want to see “gay ass sex” roared in disgusted tones from behind us.

We made it back to the car, and I thanked Gerard for the date. He said, “I’m glad you’re enjoying it, but it’s not over yet.” Then he smiled at me as he turned to back out of the parking space. Suddenly the stock phrase “dinner and a movie” popped into my head, and I knew we were headed to eat somewhere. Gerard drove for a while, half singing along with some of the songs on the radio. I don’t get to hear Gerard sing very often, mostly when I’m eavesdropping on him in the shower, but he can actually sing. I just looked at him, really looking at his features and the contours of his face, as I watched him singing. He seemed really and truly happy.


	42. November 7, 1999 (Part Two)

It took us a while to get there, but we finally pulled up to an Italian restaurant I’ve heard of. And I know it is pretty pricey. But when I stated that fact to Gerard, he told me, “I know, but I’m paying for the atmosphere… it’s _romantic_ atmosphere to be exact.” I had never been inside the place, so I wouldn’t have known what it was like inside. Gerard led me to the door, and as soon as he opened it, I could already see what he was talking about. The place was dimly lit, with small candles burning here and there. Gerard walked up to the hostess pedestal and told the lady we had a reservation under the name Way. The lady checked her papers, picked up two menus, and told us to follow her.

She led us all through the dining room, which was just as dimly lit as the foyer area was. The tables were set with white tablecloths, and each table had three candles in red glass holders in the center of it. All of the wait staff were wearing dark pants, white button up shirts, matching dark ties, and aprons tied around their waists. The lady stopped at a table directly next to a fireplace with a small fire going in it, and said, “Your requested table, Mr. Way.” Gerard nodded once at her, and then pulled my chair out. I sat and watched Gerard take his seat. The hostess gave us our menus and informed us of the specials of the day. She asked for our drink orders. I opened my mouth to speak, but Gerard beat me to it, “We’ll have a bottle of your house Merlot… and two waters with lemon.” I was unable to close my mouth. The hostess checked Gerard’s ID, and then said, “Very good, Mr. Way. Your waitress should be right out with that.” She walked away.

I was still trying to catch flies. Gerard looked at me, smiled, and said softly, “While you look adorably cute sitting there in shock… or awe, whichever… you really should close your mouth.” I managed to pull my lips together, but I still had confusion written all over my face. Gerard scoffed lightheartedly at me and told me it was just a little red wine to go with dinner. But the look on his face is what pulled me out of my daze. He was feigning high society with all his might. I couldn’t stop a snicker from turning into a full giggle. Gerard’s façade quickly fell, and he began to giggle with me. An older, obviously dignified couple sitting next to us threw us a death glare, which just drew more laughter from us both.

We finally managed to get our giggle boxes turned right side up again, and shortly after a tall blonde approached our table with a dark, glass bottle. She presented it to Gerard, who nodded his head approvingly. She uncorked it and poured two glasses of dark liquid. She placed the bottle on the table and asked if we were ready to order. Gerard told her we would need another moment. As she walked off, Gerard picked up his glass of wine and took a sip. I just watched him. When I didn’t mirror the action, Gerard told me to try it. As quietly as I could and still be heard, I reminded Gerard I was underage. “It’s just wine with dinner, Frankie. I’m not taking you out bar hopping.” When all I did was pick up the glass, Gerard added, “They don’t know you’re underage. And there’s no one back home to punish you.” That sounded logical enough, so I took a sip. It wasn’t too terribly bad, but I wasn’t fond of the bitter flavor. Gerard told me it would grow on me and quickly changed the subject by asking me what I wanted to eat.

I knew what I wanted, even though I had yet to look at the menu. But nearly every Italian restaurant that’s worth eating at has it on the menu: Eggplant Parmiggiana. Gerard had obviously been here a time or two. When I told him what I wanted, he said I wouldn’t be disappointed and that he was having their Spinach Tortellone in their handmade Alfredo sauce. I said that sounded good, too. The waitress made her way back over to the table and took our order. Then she hurried away again. Gerard took my hand in his and kissed each of my knuckles, earning us another death glare from Mr. Dignified Couple. I didn’t care. I leaned across the table and mumbled seductively that I wanted those lips on places other than my fingers. Gerard smirked and ever so barely sucked the tip of pinkie finger in between his lips. He only kept it there for maybe a full second, but it was enough to make my eyelids flutter. Gerard kissed the top of my hand and then laid our still intertwined hands down on the table.

In what seemed like no time, our food arrived. And it was REALLY good! After a few bites of mine, Gerard held his fork out to me with a tortellone on the end of it, offering me a taste. I let Gerard feed me the bite of pasta, and I savored the flavor of the feta cheese mixed with the spinach and Alfredo sauce. It was just as wonderful as my meal was. I cut Gerard off a bite and offered it to him the way he had me. He ate it and said it was better than usual tonight. The rest of dinner we hardly spoke. We just looked at each other or the small fire in the fireplace beside us. I couldn’t help but notice how amazing Gerard looked in the light the fire was putting off. When he was looking at me, half of his face was slightly covered in shadows, and when he was looking towards the fireplace, I swear I could almost see the reflection of the flames dancing in his eyes.

He caught me looking at him at one point; I had stopped eating just to watch him. He asked me if I was done. I really wasn’t, but I had eaten enough to stave off the hunger pangs. I just wanted to get Gerard back home. Gerard poured each of us a little more wine, and I noticed we had finished off the bottle. I tried to think about how much I had drank and eventually decided I had drank at least three, if not four, glasses on my own. Gerard had had more than me.

Soon the waitress reappeared with a couple of takeout boxes and the check. I noticed as she handed Gerard the check, he didn’t look at it but instead pushed some cash into her hand and told her to keep the change. She thanked him more than I thought was necessary… or either Gerard had just given her a really nice tip. We stood from the table, and I noticed my legs seemed the slightest bit unstable. But it didn’t matter; Gerard was beside me, my arm wrapped around his again like it had been all night.

Once again we were back in the car. I was pretty sure we were headed home now, so I decided I wanted to tease Gerard a little. I reached my hand into Gerard’s lap and began palming him as he drove down the road. Gerard smirked and shot me a quick, sideways glance. That just encouraged me on. I let my hand vacate his lap to relocate to the button and zipper of his jeans. Between the seatbelt and his seated position, it took me a little more effort than usual to get them undone. But once I did, I slide my hand back down to Gerard’s dick from inside his pants. Gerard moaned and pushed his hips forward into my hand. The harder Gerard’s dick grew, the faster he drove. I’m surprised we weren’t pulled over for his speeding.

But we were home in no time. I didn’t wait for him to open my door this time, and I didn’t figure he cared. (Besides, he was having to do his pants back up. LOL!) We both wanted in our bedroom and out of our restrictive clothing. We burst through the front door, making Mikey jump. Gerard was dragging me by the hand. He said, “Hey, Mikey. Bye, Mikey,” as we crossed through the living room. I heard Mikey groan as I was pulled out of the living room and into the hall.

Gerard practically slammed the bedroom door trying to close it as fast as possible. But it still wasn’t fast enough. I had peeled my jeans and underwear off into a puddle around my ankles before the door was shut. Gerard laughed when he saw me. I pulled my shirt off and asked him what. He said, “You’re drunk, aren’t you?” I thought about it for a minute. Okay, yes, I might have been a little tipsy. Oh, fuck off, Journal! I’ve never drank anything before, and I did have four or five glasses of wine with dinner. Anyway, I kind of giggled and shook my head yes. Gerard giggled back—he obviously wasn’t the slightest bit drunk—and said maybe we should call it a night.

Uh, NO! I was fucking horny, and I was going to have sex with him! And I told him so… in so many words and actions. My actions were to stumble over to the nightstand with my pants and underwear still around my ankles and get a condom and the lube out of the top drawer. Gerard took them from me when I handed them to him and laid them on the nightstand, saying we still had to work up to the main event. I sat—fell—down on the side of the bed. Gerard giggled at me again and took my pants off my ankles finally. Then he took to getting himself undressed. By the time he was naked, I had laid back across the bed. I was definitely buzzing. Gerard started kissing a trail up my body from my knee to my neck, intentionally missing the parts I wanted him to touch the most. Our lips crashed together, and even through the alcohol I could tell it was sloppier and more lust filled than our normal kisses were. And I was perfectly fine with a night of lustful, animalistic fucking for once.

Gerard didn’t seem to mind it either. He was all over my body sucking, touching, kissing, gripping, and breathing on my skin. I just gave Gerard total control, and he knew it. I felt him nudge my legs apart with his hand. I opened them some, and I felt Gerard’s fingers push into me. I pushed against his hand, whimpering that it wasn’t enough. Gerard ran his hand through my hair and told me he knew I felt like that now, but I would thank him in the morning for taking the time to do it. He also said he could make it enough for a few minutes. I asked how he was going to manage that. Instead of answering with words, Gerard did something, and I could have sworn I had just cum! Gerard laughed at my reaction, which was to clutch for the sheets desperately and moan loud enough for the neighbors to hear me, and did whatever it was again.

When I could finally pry my eyes open to look at him, he was smiling at me and said, “I told you you’d like me playing with your prostate from the inside better.” And then he did it AGAIN! I just knew I was going to die of pleasure right then! Gerard pulled his fingers out shortly after, and I really didn’t think he was getting the condom on fast enough! I swear he was moving in super slow motion. I thought I was going to have to push him over and rape him! Luckily for me, he finally pushed his dick into me, moaning in relief as he did! Maybe it was the alcohol, but I was feeling no pain at all. I pulled his body down to mine, and our mouths crashed together again.

Gerard tried to take it slow at first, but I wouldn’t let him. I forced him into a fast pace. He finally gave up trying to fight me and gave me what I wanted! And when Gerard let go, he REALLY let go! And it was FANTASTIC! It really was just animalistic fucking! I could tell by the sounds coming from Gerard that he was enjoying himself, which just made things all the more intense for me! I hadn’t even been paying my own dick any attention, so when I came, it took me by complete surprise. I remember calling Gerard’s name as I came, trying to tell him it was coming, but I was too late. He smiled sloppily at me and rammed into me a few more times. When he came, I could feel it in his whole body! All his muscles tensed, and he jerked a little. Just WOW, Journal!! That’s all I can say! Just… WOW!!

He fell down over top of me. We were a just a pile of sweaty bodies both trying to get enough oxygen into our lungs while our hearts worked frantically to get it out to our limbs. Gerard finally regained his composure and pulled out of me. I felt his fingertips on my asshole, and I gave him a confused look. He panted out that he wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding. I nodded and let my head fall back on the pillows. Apparently I wasn’t because Gerard snuggled up beside me, wrapping me up tightly in his arms. We were both asleep just minutes later.

Now I’m up with a headache. We never turned the lights off, so that woke me up. I took some acetaminophen and figured I would tell you all about it while I waited for it to kick in. My ass is a little sore, too. But it was SO worth it! I wouldn’t change a thing about any of it! Now, I’m going to tell you good night, Journal. I’m cutting out the light, and I’m going to cuddle up next to the best person I’ve ever known, the man I love, and go back to sleep!

Good night, Journal!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The restaurant Gerard took Frank to is actually based on an Italian place my husband, then boyfriend, took me to for our first date on Valentine's Day. He was the first guy that had the nerve to ask my Daddy permission to take me out. Fortuantely, both my Daddy and I love my husband to pieces!
> 
> Hugs and loves!  
> Miz


	43. November 25, 1999 (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **This journal entry is two chapters long.** (I personally love the second part, but you'll just have to wait. Hahaha, I'm so mean.)
> 
> After these two chapters, the journal entries will go back to one chapter per journal entry for a while.

Dear Journal,

Happy Thanksgiving! Do you know what today signifies? Well, not exactly the date, but the holiday I mean. It’s the day I first met Gerard! I met him one year ago on Thanksgiving! And Mikey so kindly reminded me, and everyone else, sitting around Thanksgiving dinner today. But we’ll get to that part. Let me just tell you about Thanksgiving…

Donna had called yesterday to make sure we three were coming to dinner, as if we had a choice in the matter. So this morning, we all got up and got ready to head over there. Since no one had to work, no one got up before ten. We all share one bathroom, so it was going to take us a while for all us to be ready to go. Well, Mikey went first in the bathroom, which was a HUGE mistake! To be the only straight guy in the house, he takes a LONG time to get ready to go! By the time he finally emerged from the bathroom all prim and proper as any gay man, there wasn’t a lot of time left for Gerard and me.

Gerard decided we could “save some time” by showering together. Uh-huh. Because the two of us together and naked in a small enclosed space is about the best way I can think of for us to WASTE time, not save it. But when I tried to tell him that, he kissed me chastely and said we could make it work. I rolled my eyes at him, knowing what was going to end up happening in the shower, even if I couldn’t name the exact action.

We climbed into the shower, and things started out alright. Gerard let me under the water first, so I got my body and my hair wet. Then we switched places so I could shampoo my hair while Gerard got wet. Then we switched again, so I could rinse and Gerard could shampoo. We switched a few more times, but let me tell you something about switching places in a small shower, Journal. There is NO way to changes places and NOT have to slide your bodies together! And you’re all wet and slick, and the shower is so hot and steamy, it’s REALLY hard to not get turned on. I have to give Gerard credit, though; he REALLY tried. But eventually, he was rock hard. And so was I. We slid past one another again, facing each other. Gerard was looking at me so beautifully, and that combined with the sensation of his dick brushing across mine, I couldn’t stop a deep sound from pushing its way out of my throat. Then all it took was Gerard breathing into my ear, “Please?” I bit my lower lip and nodded at him. I didn’t know what I had just agreed to, but I REALLY didn’t care!

Gerard dropped to his knees in the shower. The spray of water was hitting the top of his head, and several chunks of his hair got caught in the rivulets of water running down his face. Gerard was more focused on other things and I thought he looked absolutely stunning right then, so neither of us cared to move them. Gerard wrapped his fingers around the base of my erection and adjusted the angle just slightly. And then he slid his lips around the head of my dick and down my shaft until his lips met his fingers. He started moving his head, and as he added in moving his tongue around, I had to brace myself in the shower to keep my knees from buckling.

After a short time, and many gasps and moans later, I felt the fingertips of his other hand graze their way up the inside of my leg. They moved between my legs, and I felt Gerard’s fingertips brush against my ass. I looked down at him, and all I could see was white lines of his scalp where the water was parting his black hair. I raised my leg and propped my foot on the edge of the tub, allowing his fingers access to where they wanted to venture. Gerard glanced up at me, water droplets dripping off his eyelashes, and I nodded. He pulled his mouth off my dick for a minute and poured a small amount of hair conditioner on his fingers. I gave him a questioning look and started to ask him what he was doing, but he spoke up before I could form any words. “It’s a good lube substitute,” he said softly, and then threaded his hand back between my legs.

His mouth closed over my dick again at the same time I felt a couple of his fingers push inside of me. Gerard continued to create gentle suction on my dick while he worked his fingers in my ass. I could tell he was preparing me sex and not just fingering me. But I was so close to cumming that when he pressed against my prostate, he pushed me over my edge. I put my hand on his head and pulled him off a little, but I wasn’t fast enough; I came in his mouth with practically no warning. He didn’t seem to care. When I was done, he leaned his head over just slightly and spit into the running water on the tub bottom. He carefully stood up and rinsed his mouth out with the shower water.

I was still riding out my post-orgasm when I felt his lips tickling the side of my neck. They were slick from just sucking me off and the water from the shower, so he slid them up my neck, over the edge of my jaw, and to my lips. He kissed me gently and then pulled back so that our lips were barely touching. I mumbled “Fast shower, huh?” against his lips. When he giggled at me, I could feel his chest moving against mine. “This is a _good_ shower, though” he replied.

To help try and speed things along just a little, against my own desires I might add, I turned and pressed my back to his chest—and not so coincidentally, my ass against his hard dick—allowing my head to fall back on his shoulder. He pushed my head to turn my face towards his and kissed me once again. While we kissed, I ran one of my hands back behind me, over his hip, and as far over his ass as my arm length would allow. He broke the kiss and ran his hands down the length of both my arms, taking the tops of my hands in his palms. As he moved my hands towards the shower wall, he said, “To steady us both.”

He gently placed my palms against the tiles, positioning them just so. Then he ran his hands back up my arms, down my back, and over my hips. I felt one of his hands abandon its spot on my skin while his other hand spread my ass cheeks a little. Even though I had just came, I felt myself growing hard again as he pushed his dick into me. As he started thrusting, I heard him growl lowly. The sensation of the warm water running over my back was replaced by the feeling of Gerard’s muscles moving under his skin. He covered my hands with his own and continued to push into me. As I neared climax—again—the force of Gerard’s body slamming into mine caused my arms give way, and I crashed into the shower wall. Gerard stopped moving his hips, carefully wrapping his right arm, his stronger arm, around my chest to pull me off the wall. “You okay?” he asked sounding very concerned. All I could do was nod. He used his arm to hold me close to his body and support me, and his left hand found its way to the front of my hips, offering a little more support.

Soon the warmth of the water began to fade as we ran out of hot water, and I could tell we were both just right there. Gerard’s left hand made its way from the spot it had been occupying on my hip to wrap itself tightly around my dick. Before he could even start pumping me with his fist, I came over his fingers. It wasn’t but a moment later I felt Gerard’s grip tighten around my chest as he pushed me further onto himself and finally had his own orgasm. He continued to support my body and began placing tender kisses on my shoulder as he rode out his euphoria.

The hot water finally gave out completely, and the shocking cold water brought us back to our senses. We quickly rinsed off the residue of our acts of passion, and climbed out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around my waist and had barely gotten it to stay put when Gerard turned me around and started examining my head. His fingertips pressed over the place where my face had made hard contact with the tiled wall of the shower. He smiled softly and placed a small kiss over my cheekbone and said, “You have a small red place next to your eye and on your forehead, but I’m pretty sure they won’t bruise. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you to fall.” I pressed a long kiss to his lips and then told him, “It’s not your fault I fell, so no apologies. And I’m fine, so stop worrying about hurting me.” He wrapped his hand in my hair and pulled my face to his chest in a short hug.

Soon after we were dressed and ready to go. Gerard splashed on a small amount of his aftershave that I love so much, and we exited the bathroom to find Mikey. Mikey was sitting on the sofa watching the last of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. As we came into the living room, he gave us one of his faces and said, “Did you two even get clean in there with all the sex noises I had to endure?” Gerard ruffled Mikey’s hair, knowing it would irritate him, and told him it wasn’t our fault the walls were too thin. Mikey jumped away from Gerard’s hand and started smoothing his hair back down, calling out, “Hey, hey, hey! I just got my hair fixed! And the walls aren’t too thin! You two are too loud!” After Mikey was sure he had corrected the nonexistent damage done to his hair, he flicked the TV off, and we all headed towards Don and Donna’s.


	44. November 25, 1999 (Part Two)

Once we got there, Gerard let us in. As soon as he opened the door, the aroma of Donna’s cooking surrounded us. It smelled delicious, and the smell only grew stronger as we made our way into the kitchen for them to greet their mother. After Donna had hugged and kissed both of her boys, she didn’t hesitate to include me. And I found myself happily noticing that it seemed normal now; no longer did I feel awkward when she embraced me in one of her motherly hugs and kissed my cheek as if I were one of her own children.

Mikey asked where Don was, and Donna said she had forgotten the cranberry sauce so he had went to see if he could find a store open somewhere. She quickly asked where Alicia was, and Mikey informed her that Alicia’s mom should be dropping her by soon, that they were having a little family get-together over a small brunch. Donna returned to her cooking, and I offered to help her. Her face lit up, and she looked around to find me something to do. Gerard quickly cut in with, “Nothing that involves him actually cooking, Ma. He burns just about everything.” Donna scoffed at Gerard and smacked him on his arm and said, “At least he’s offering to help, lazy bones. And he just needs a mother to teach him to cook is all.” She turned back to me and winked.

Soon after, Donna was showing me how to make all sorts of things, and Mikey, Gerard, and Don were in the living room trying to find something to watch on TV other than football. At one point I heard a lively discussion about watching a movie, but Don was adamant he wasn’t watching anything that was about vampires, demons, or sci-fi. That pretty much ruled out nearly every movie that Way brothers will watch. I still don’t know what they settled on because Alicia made her way into the kitchen. She greeted us both with a hug and asked me playfully, “So are you a Way woman today?” Before I could retort back, Donna said “I’m teaching him to cook! Poor boy doesn’t know a thing!” in a way that made me feel like she was actually my mother and enjoying having me in her kitchen.

I heard someone else arrived, and Gerard came into the kitchen to check on dinner. He nuzzled up behind me as I was stirring the gravy and asked if his mother was embarrassing him with stories from his childhood. I was quick to reply, “No, we’re saving that for during dinner so I can watch you blush!” Donna quickly pecked my cheek with a kiss and told me she thought that was a “fabulous idea!” Gerard made a whining sound, and Donna was quick to tell him that no one had even thought of that until he brought it up so it was his own fault. Gerard let out an exaggerated sigh and then said, “Fine, Ma. But I have to steal Frankie away for a minute. Grandma’s here, and I want to introduce him.” Donna dismissed us by saying that dinner was nearly done now anyway and that she was going to start setting things up for everyone to eat anyway.

Gerard wrapped his arms tightly around my waist and actually picked me up off the floor. He carried me all the way into the living room. I couldn’t help but giggle at Gerard’s excitement all the way there. I could hear an unfamiliar female voice calling, “Gerard! Put that poor boy down! He can walk, I’m sure of it!” He eventually set me down in front of someone that I could definitely was related to Gerard. She was your typical grandma-looking person, older woman with short, curly, white hair. But she had the warmest expression I had ever seen on her face. I just wanted to hug her before I even knew who she was! Well, she was obviously Gerard and Mikey’s grandmother, but I meant before I was formally introduced.

Gerard quickly stated with the same excitement, “Grandma, this is my Frankie. Frankie, this is my Grandma.” And then he kissed my cheek. She reached out her hands for one of mine, carefully enclosing it as if I’d break. “So you’re the young man that has stolen my Gerard’s heart. It’s nice to meet you at last, Frank,” she said. I blushed and told her it was nice to meet her as well. Before we could speak anymore, Donna called us all for dinner.

We made our way to the table. I saw where Gerard and Mikey learned their manners for their mother from; Don immediately gave his chair at the head of the table to Gerard and Mikey’s grandmother. For a few minutes, the only sounds were of utensils clinking against glass serving dishes and plates, and a few times someone asking “Would you please pass me…” this or that. We finally settled in to eat. Gerard’s grandmother took a few bites and then complimented Donna on how wonderful everything was. Donna thanked her but said, “I had help, though, Grandma. Alicia and Frank helped cook as well.” Gerard’s Grandmother told Donna it must be nice to have such wonderful helpers now days, and then she turned her attention my direction. “So Frank, what do you do?” I started to answer, but I stuttered when I realized I didn’t know what to call her. So I asked her her name. She smiled politely and said, “Elena Lee Rush. But you can call me ‘Grandma’ like everyone else, dear.” I addressed her as Grandma and told her I had a part time job at a bookstore but I was currently in college.

Gerard giggled and told me she meant creatively. I looked at him confused, trying to figure out how he would know. He smiled at me and said, “Grandma’s had me drawing, painting, singing, and anything else creative she could get me to do since I was old enough to hold a crayon. She wants to know that you use your creativity.” Alicia chimed in and told her that I played guitar and rather well, too. I tried to tell her I wasn’t _that_ good, but everyone cut me off saying I really was _that_ good. Grandma told me I’d have to play for her one day, and then she laughed to herself. I saw her look at Gerard, and then she started talking.

“Frank, did you know Gerard can sing?” I nodded, and Gerard’s eyes widened at me. I told him I could hear him in the shower sometimes. He rolled his lips together to form a line. Grandma said I needed to hear about Gerard’s singing debut. Gerard gasped and dropped his chin to his chest. I told him it couldn’t be that bad. He grumbled back, “It’s not ‘that bad;’ it’s worse.” I giggled and said I HAD to hear this. Grandma told Gerard, “Oh, honey, you were so adorable!” and I KNEW this was going to be good!

Grandma said Gerard had just started at a new school that year, his fourth grade year, and she had encouraged him to try something new. So Gerard tried out for the school play. She got a twinkle in her eye and said, “I was so proud of him when he came home from school one day and told me he had gotten the lead part. He was going to play Peter Pan.” I bit my lip as hard as I could to not laugh, but I couldn’t stop myself. Gerard cut his eyes at me, but I could tell he wasn’t mad because he had an embarrassed smirk on his lips. Grandma went on that she made him a costume for the part. She said the night of the play, Gerard was so nervous, she had to encourage him to step out onto the stage three times. She said, “Oh I wouldn’t have missed it for the world! He finally took the stage, and when he did, he sang his little heart out! Oh, Gerard, I was so proud of you!” I don’t think I had ever seen Gerard so flushed before.

Apparently it was now my turn. Mikey said, “Oh if Frank had known that when he first met Gerard, they would have NEVER gotten together. Frank was afraid of Gerard for the longest time!” Donna cried out what for. Mikey told everyone how Gerard had acted the first time we met. Don looked sternly at Gerard and asked him if that was any way to treat a guest and friend of his brother. Gerard sounded like a little boy when he replied, “No sir.” But Mikey wasn’t done. He told me to tell everyone what I called him. I told Mikey that was over and done with, that Gerard already knew about that. Mikey said, “No, I just told Gerard he had given you a bad first impression and that he needed to be nicer to you. I never told him what you actually said.” I bit my lower lip and looked at my lap. I heard Gerard say, “I won’t be mad, Frankie. It can’t be as bad as me being Peter Pan.”

So I told Gerard I had called him creepy to Mikey’s face and that we had ended up fighting about it for a whole day. Gerard looked to Mikey, who just nodded his head, and then back to me. He said he WAS creepy, so how was that so bad. I felt my face burning with blush, and I quickly said that was not the only thing I called him. Gerard told me it was okay, that I could say it now because I obviously didn’t think those things anymore. So I told him, “I called you weird, scary, jerk, confusing… but the worst was…” I couldn’t say it, though. I looked at my lap again, my cheeks still a dark shade of red, and Gerard ran his hand through my hair to push it back so he could see my face. He kissed my cheek and asked me quietly, “The worst one was what?” I took a deep breath and looked at him. He told me it was okay and kissed me softly. I forced myself to keep looking at him and said, “I sort of nicknamed you Homosexual Homophobe.”

Gerard just looked at me for a few seconds, and then he surprised me by laughing. He asked me why on Earth I would call him a homophobe. I said, “The first time I met you, last Thanksgiving as Mikey just reminded us, you asked me if I was Mikey’s new ‘ _gay_ ’ friend like there was something wrong with being gay.” I didn’t give him a chance to speak before I told him I understood why now, but I didn’t then. Gerard leaned over from where he was sitting and wrapped his arms around me, still laughing as he repeated “homosexual homophobe” to himself.

When Don spoke up, I suddenly remembered we were sitting at the Ways’ dinner table with the whole family having Thanksgiving dinner. “I think we’ve embarrassed the new lovebirds enough for one evening,” he said. The rest of the meal there was just small talk, and unlike last year when I was still a stranger to nearly everyone, I was completely included in everything. I could clearly see for myself that just like Alicia was a part of this family, so was I.

Dinner finally wound down, and Alicia, Donna, and I started clearing the table, but Grandma made us stop. “You three prepared dinner. I think you’ve done quite enough for today. Don, Gerard, and Mikey can clean up while we women, and one man,” she winked at me, “go sit in the living room and rest for a while.” Gerard and Mikey groaned in unison until Don cleared his throat, and then together they replied, “Yes, ma’am.”

We four made our way into the living room, and Grandma talked to Alicia and me about us playing guitar and asking if we ever played together. Eventually Donna and Grandma were lost in their own conversation. I felt Alicia slide her arm into mine and snuggle up to me. “They did that to Mikey and me, too, you know.” I smiled at her and asked her what she meant. She said the embarrassment. She said it was like part of an initiation into the Way family. I laughed softly and asked her if that meant we were officially part of the family for real. She thought for a second and then replied, “Well, I still have one step to go, a LONG time from now, but I guess you’re about as officially a part of this family as you can get, for now.” I snuggled into the sofa and Alicia's floral scent a little further and asked, “For now?” Alicia rested her head on my shoulder and said, “Until they legalize gay marriage, I mean. Then you and Gerard can get married for real.”

That thought made me shift uncomfortably. Alicia caught on to my discomfort quickly. She said she didn’t mean that we were ready now, but she could see it, especially in Gerard. This girl was perplexing tonight! I asked her yet again what she meant. She said, “Gerard really loves you, you know. He didn’t even treat Bob like he treats you. Like, you’re really special to him. And I can tell you the other Ways didn’t take to Bob like they’ve taken to you. And Bob was around a hell of a lot longer than you’ve been.” I enjoyed listening to Alicia talk and what she was saying, enjoying the warm feeling taking over my chest at her implications. Until I had another realization. “You knew Bob?” She kind of laughed and said she really didn’t know him, but they had met a couple of times. I asked her what he was like. She raised her head from my shoulder and asked, “Why, mister? Are you jealous?” I told her no, that Gerard just rarely mentions Bob, even though he seemed to have been a big part of Gerard’s life for a while.

Alicia sort of shrugged her shoulders and made a face. Then she said, “Probably for good reason.” She went on that it was obvious that when Bob was around, on the very rare occasion that Gerard would bring him around, he was putting up a fake front for everyone. She said that Gerard would be affectionate with Bob, holding his hand and small stuff, but Gerard never acted with Bob the way he does with me. I asked her how Gerard acts with me. She said the way he touches me, hugs and holds me, and even kisses me in front of everyone, like he’s not afraid for the whole family, or maybe even the whole world to see.

Donna pulled Alicia into their conversation for a short while, and I sat quietly listening to the murmur of their conversation in the background of my own thoughts. My mind drifted back to the night of my birthday, when Gerard and I had first told each other “I love you” and how he had told me he had never said that to anyone before. I thought about how he seems cautious to not over say it, but when he does, it’s always just the right time and stated like he’s telling me the secret to life. I felt Alicia shake my leg, and I focused my attention back in the room. All three of them were looking at me. I apologized and asked them what did they say. Donna chuckled at me and said, “Honey, he’s just in the kitchen. You’re not forbidden from going in there.” I smiled and blushed, and then I excused myself. I heard Grandma say, “He’s just smitten, isn’t he?” and Donna reply, “He’s a wonderful boy. Gerard couldn’t have picked a better one,” as I walked off.

As I walked into the kitchen, I slowed my pace just a bit to watch Gerard, even though all I could see was his back. I could hear him laughing at something someone had said. The sound made even my heart smile, if that’s possible. I sped up again, practically running to him, and threw my arms around his waist while burying my face in his back and familiar smell. He jumped, raising his arms just slightly. I heard Mikey say, “Someone misses his lover.” “That’s enough, Mikeyway,” Don quickly scolded. Gerard pried my arms from around him so he could turn to face me and then wrapped my arms back around him before wrapping one of his own around me and the other hand ran through my hair. “Hey. What’s going on?” he sounded concerned again. I just kissed him, only daring to push it as far as to run my tongue over his lower lip even though Don and Mikey had turned away to give us some privacy by then. I finally broke the kiss. Gerard smiled at me for moment and then asked me what that was for. I simply said, “I love you, Gerard.” He pressed his lips to mine before replying back, “And I love you, Frankie.”

We left shortly after that. Donna sent us home with enough leftovers for us three to have dinner tomorrow, too. During the ride home, Gerard held tightly to my hand as he drove. I just listened to him and Mikey going back and forth at each other. It seems like it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them interact more than just in passing day to day. We got home and put the leftovers away. Mikey said he was going to head to bed, maybe do a little reading or school work before he turned out the lights.

Gerard and I headed for our room and got ready for bed. I knew Gerard kept catching me looking at him, and not in a “fuck me” kind of way, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Alicia had told me. I expected Gerard to bring his art stuff to bed like he normally does when we snuggle in early. Instead, he climbed into the bed and pulled me close to him but far enough away that we could see each other’s faces. I still just looked at him. He finally asked, “What did my mother do to you?” I told him she didn’t do anything to me, which is entirely true! Donna isn’t the one who said anything! His eyebrows knitted together, and he asked me if I was okay. I told him I was just perfect and snuggled my head into his chest. He tightened his arms around me, kissed the top of my head, and laid his head on top of mine. After a minute, I heard him take a breath, and then he asked me if I would tell him if something were wrong. I assured him again nothing was wrong. He sort of pushed me away a little bit, so I looked up at him. He said, “I just need to know you’d tell me if it wasn’t, Frankie. Not just right now, but ever.” I told him of course I would. He kissed my forehead and gave me a small smile, and then he simply replied, “Good.”

After that he went to the bathroom. When he came back into the room, he got together some art supplies, so I started writing to you. But Gerard fell asleep a long while ago with his pencil still in his hand. I guess I’m going to put his stuff away and go to sleep myself. Happy Thanksgiving, Journal!

Good night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this chapter! Frank being a part of the family, helping Donna, meeting Grandma, Frank and Alicia having a private moment, and then Frank just having that "I just need to see him, touch him!" feeling... I enjoy writing these domestic parts as much as I like writing the smutty parts. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed it as much I did writing it!
> 
> xo Miz


	45. December 3, 1999

Dear Journal,

I went over to Alicia’s yesterday to play some guitar. I just needed to let off some steam, let go of some stress. And playing music with Alicia is about the best way I can do that on days like yesterday. Mikey was at work, but I had the day off. Gerard went with me to Alicia’s, and Mikey met us there after his shift. After we had just been playing for about an hour, Alicia’s mom came in the room and asked us if we wanted to stay for dinner. We decided yeah and started packing up all of our gear. I know everyone was talking during dinner, but I was so lost in my own thoughts that I couldn’t focus on it.

I have exams next week. I feel so unprepared. I feel like I have so much going on in my life, and it’s just all moving so quickly. And my exams are just right here. Gerard keeps saying I just need to relax. He told me one time that he felt the same before all of his exams too. It’s all just made worse by the fact that I don’t know what to expect either. I mean, I’ve never taken college exams before, Journal. Gerard is convinced I’m going to do just fine.

But then, what if it’s all for nothing? I haven’t been paying any attention to all this stupid “Y2K” crap, but it’s getting hard to ignore now that the new year is almost here and it’s all over the news. The news is making it out like there’s going to be major blackouts, system-wide computer failure, and massive chaos in the streets. I had gone to the grocery store with Mikey the other day, and some woman was buying a cart full of toilet paper. TOILET PAPER, Journal! The world is supposed to come to end and all this woman is concerned about is wiping her ass?! I think the whole world has just gone insane. Thank god Gerard and Mikey seem to be ignoring this Y2K bug thing as much as me.

Donna came over the other day. It was kind of weird. She said she knew we were all so busy since the semester was winding down and just wanted to help us out a little bit. She did all the dishes and picked the place up. Then she collected all of our clothes and put them in her car. We’ve been using the laundromat down the street, and quite frankly, I hate it. I feel like the clothes might be free of dirt when they’re done but they are contaminated with other people’s germs. Ugh. I think Donna might have had an ulterior motive though. She kept asking questions about what we would like to have around the house to make things easier. She asked if Gerard had enough art stuff, because apparently Gerard can actually get low on that stuff. It’s not like half our bedroom is full of art supplies. I can’t move in there without finding some paintbrush or pencil or drawing pad or _something_! Anyway, I think Donna was fishing for Christmas present ideas.

Christmas coming up brings up something else. I kind of need to get it out, but I don’t want to tell anyone. You’ve never told anyone my secrets, Journal, so I’m going to tell you. This is the first Christmas I’m going to have without my ex-parents around. No, I don’t miss them, Journal. Not at all! It’s just… weird I guess. Last Christmas I was still living with them, just going to high school. Now, I have a home with Gerard and Mikey, a job, and go to college. I mean, I have a whole new family, a much, MUCH better fucking family! Like I said, Journal, it’s just weird knowing they aren’t going to be around to screw my life up anymore.

The last time I saw them was that time at the mall. God, what a disaster! I’d like to think if we run into them again, I’m not going to cling to Gerard to save me. I’m going to stand tall. I’m going to be proud of myself. And I’m going to be proud of my boyfriend, of our relationship. After all, Journal, Gerard is the best person I have ever known. He loves me and I love him, and I don’t care what those homophobic ex-parents of mine think anymore!

If so much has changed this past year, how different do you think things will be by next Christmas, Journal? I don’t know either. I can’t even try to imagine it! Well, I better go study. Bye, Journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now officially--FINALLY--caught up to my other sites. Unfortunately that mean slower than the usually slow updates. But I promise this fic isn't going to be abandoned; I've actually been working on the next update today. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is still reading! Your patience is so appreciated!
> 
> Tightest hugs and Frerardy love to all!!  
> xo Miz


	46. December 26, 1999

Dear Journal,

Merry Christmas! Well, Christmas was actually yesterday, but still. We had pretty much agreed a few days ago to wait to open presents until we went over to Don and Donna’s. As per our custom that seems to be becoming our routine on holidays, we all slept in. Gerard woke me up with a cup of freshly brewed coffee and a kiss. He told me he was going to leave me to get completely awake while he went and got cleaned up.

When Gerard came back in the room, I noticed something was off about him. At first I tried to play it off as just Christmastime excitement. I mean, it’s presents and good food and time with the family together with no school or work or anything.

Oh my God, Journal, I am SO. Fucking. PISSED! He asked me at Thanksgiving if anything were ever wrong if I’d tell him, and I made sure he understood I would. That hypocritical son of bitch doesn’t have the same courtesy!

Okay, so anyway. Gerard seemed really jittery and just wound tight. He kept rubbing his hands over his face and scratching his arms. And then on the car ride over to Don and Donna’s, he kept wringing the steering wheel and gripping it so tight his knuckles were white and the veins in the top of his hands were standing out. By the time we got to Don and Donna’s, I swear the tension coming off Gerard was damn near palpable.

He ran into the house, and I followed close behind. At this point I’m worried about him and not thinking anything else. He dismissively greets his mother, and only pats his dad on the back. I at least took the time to properly say hello before I followed Gerard down into his old room. Gerard seemed to be looking for something almost frantically. I kind of stood around the corner and just watched for a minute. Then my stomach dropped down into my toes and my heart stopped.

Gerard pulled a bottle of pills out of a drawer and took some of them. I don’t know how many, but the bottle was unlabeled, just a plain, orange prescription bottle.

I stepped fully into the room and asked as calmly as I could manage, “Gerard? What are you doing?” My suspicions were confirmed when Gerard jumped like I had scared the shit out of him. Well, I might actually did, but still. He jerked around and said, “Oh, Frankie. I just… I ran out at home and I need them.” Like that was going to make everything okay.

I asked him what “them” were, and he said he had been seeing a psychiatrist and had been prescribed these pills. Yeah. Right. If that were true, why hadn’t he told anyone? How could he run out? And why would he have more HIDDEN in a drawer at his parents’ house in an unlabeled bottle. I just nodded despite my skepticism, and I acted like I believed him. I wanted to give him a benefit of the doubt. It just all felt really off to me.

We went back up stairs, and Gerard was suddenly very clingy. He kept wallowing all over me and holding onto me like he didn’t want me to get out of his sight. I finally managed to ask Donna if she needed any help in the kitchen. She said they had ordered Christmas dinner, and everything was almost warmed. I set the table for her instead, but I could feel Gerard just watching me from the other room.

Dinner went fine, I guess. I was really a bit distracted. Gerard seemed to pick at his food more than he ate. He seemed WAY more relaxed than he had earlier. It started to rub off on me, and I began to calm down. I was almost to the point of believing him, that he needed whatever it was he took. Until after dinner.

We all gathered in the living room to open presents. Donna and Don had us open our stuff from each other first. Gerard practically hijacked the spotlight, pushing his gifts at us. And it was quite the distraction from his behavior for a moment. He made us all open them at the same time. And that was because we all got the same thing. Gerard had given everyone one of the first prints of his new comic book.

That’s right, Journal! Gerard got published! It was that comic book he had shown me almost a year ago. He pitched it to one of his supervisors at DC, and they took it on to whoever, and Gerard got published!! I’m SO PROUD of him!! Everyone was! And that got Donna going! She said Gerard was going to put his gift to good use then. As Gerard opened it, I realized his coordination seemed jerky and broken, but I tried to brush it off as enthusiasm and excitement. Anyway, Don and Donna had gotten Gerard a professional drawing table.

I was the only one that seemed super stoked about our collective gift. They got a washer and dryer! I’m so excited! I hate using the Laundromat because you never know who has used it before you and what kind of germs they left in it. I really don’t care what you say, Journal! Now I can do laundry whenever I want without having to schedule it and without having to worry about the germs in it.

So back to Gerard. All the gifts had been opened, and I was sitting on the sofa flipping through his comic book when I came across a familiar drawing. It was one of the ones I had had to throw away before when Gerard had torn up all of his artwork. My stomach was instantly in my throat. That night a few months ago made sense suddenly! Do you remember that, Journal? I do! And I felt some anger slipping back into my system, but at Mikey this time. He knows more than he told me.

I managed to get Mikey’s attention, and I pulled him away from everyone else and up to his old room. As soon as the door was shut, I nearly attacked Mikey. “You had better not lie to me this time, Mikes,” I started. Mikey’s eyes grew wide, and he asked me what I meant. I asked him if he remembered that night. He said yeah. So I told him what I had seen Gerard do earlier and then asked him what he knew about it and if that was what was going on with Gerard that night.

Mikey sighed hard. Then he punched the wall while screaming, “Goddamn you, Gee!” He sighed again and then turned back to me. He said, “Yes, Frank, I know about it, but I thought — he _told_ me — he had quit that shit, and I believed him because he was doing better.” He ran his fingers up under his glasses and pinched the bridge of nose then went on that he thought that’s what that night was about. He also said he figured either Gerard hadn’t ever quit or that he had started again. But he kept watching Gerard, and it seemed to be an isolated event, so he was trying to protect me from getting hurt and give Gerard the chance to have a good relationship. Then he lowered his hand and said, “I’m sorry, Frank.”

I let out a breath. I muttered that he should have told me, that I wouldn’t have thought anything bad and that maybe I’d have been able to help him watch out for Gerard. I told Mikey, “I love him, you know. I just want to help him, Mikes.”

Mikey pulled me in to a hug and told me I was right and he should have told me, but now I knew and he wasn’t going to keep anything from me anymore. He did make a lot of sense when he tried to talk me into waiting until after New Year’s to say anything to Gerard about it. Mikey said that once we were back on a normal schedule, he and I would have time to sit down and figure out together what we want to do about it.

When we went back downstairs, Gerard was glaring at us. I think he knew what we had been talking about. He tried to pull Mikey aside, but I heard Mikey say through his teeth, “No, Gerard! I’m not talking about his now. Not without Frank. I’m not hiding this from him anymore.” Gerard sighed hard and dropped his head, and Mikey walked off.

The ride back home and when we were going to bed, Gerard wasn't exactly being clingy, but he was being really affectionate, constantly telling me he loved me and how I was the best thing that had happened to him and I was the best person he had ever met. I muttered to lets go to bed. Gerard just swallowed and nodded; he looked completely broken.

We had been laying in the dark for a while, and I knew Gerard was still awake. I rolled over toward him to face him, and I felt him slide his hand into mine. I took a breath and told him that I was really mad, but I’m not going to break up with him over it. I told him that, just like Mikey, I wasn’t going to talk to him about this alone, that the three of us together would figure it out. But I made sure to tell him that this problem HAD to be fixed.

Gerard breathed, “Okay, Frankie.” I snuggled into him, putting my head on his chest, and he quickly fell asleep, hardly loosening his grip from around me. I just laid there for a little while longer, and I slowly realized that I was almost in tears. I’m not really mad at him, Journal. I’m afraid for him and worried about him. I love him SO much, Journal, and I don’t want to watch him tear himself apart with... Fuck, Journal, I can’t even write it; I can’t say it out loud. It just hurts so much!

I’ll keep you posted, Journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think everything was going to be rosy forever, did you?
> 
> xo Miz


	47. January 6, 2000

Wow. Who could have thunk it, Journal? The world didn't end! No major computer problems. No stock market crashes. Maybe a few hiccups, but nothing that warranted all that pomp and circumstance. And even on my part, I was so worried about my damn exams but passed them all. I mean, I didn't ace all of them - or any of them - but I got all B's and C's. My next semester starts in five days.

I'm not worried about school though. Hell, I might take a break for a while. What - or should I say who - has all my attention, focus and energy right now is Gerard. Since Christmas he has gradually reverted back to acting like there's nothing going on. He even plays stupid when Mikey or me mentions we need to talk. When I pushed the issue on Tuesday, Gerard actually got pissed and stormed out of the house!

Mikey said to let it be for a while. Well that set me off. I told him that was half of Gerard's problem. He's had this addiction for years but everyone keeps sweeping it under the rug so Gerard just thinks he can put it off until everyone just stops bugging him about it and leaves him alone. Then I screamed, "I'm not giving up on him so easily! I actually want to see him beat this and live past 30!"

Apparently we all got to be pissed. Mikey then rared up at me yelling, "If Gerard doesn't want to quit, Frank, nothing we do is going to make him!" I said that was such a lame excuse to give up so quickly on someone he supposedly loves so much. Mikey snapped back that trying to force Gerard would only make him withdraw from us and sink further into the pills, that he'd grow resentful. I should have known better but I was stupid and told Mikey there was no way of knowing how Gerard felt about it or would react if we didn't try.

Like I said, Journal, I should have known better. I know how much Don, Donna and Mikey love him. I know how wonderfully supportive they are. I know they would never just look the other way while Gerard poisons himself. I was just SO angry!

Mikey was still screaming at me though. He said they had forced Gerard into rehab two years ago, that they had forced him to take a semester off at college to do an inpatient program. He said Gerard seemed willing to go but the longer he was there the more detached he became, more reclusive than he had ever been. Gerard started acting out, doing things he wouldn't normally do but knew was against the rules. When he got kicked out of the program for multiple violations, Dad and Mom was past irate. Mikey said they let him come home at least but he wasn't allowed to be alone at all, that Gerard was more supervised than a death row inmate.

By this time we had both calmed down some. I asked Mikey how it worked out. He said it didn't really. He had left Gerard alone just to go to the bathroom. When he came back, Gerard was tearing apart his room. He tried to stop him, but Gerard attacked him. Mikey ran away to call Donna at work. Gerard collapsed while Mikey was gone and was unconscious when Mikey came back. He called 9-1-1. Dad and Mom convinced the hospital staff it was an accidental overdose. Gerard came home after a few days and everyone acted like the past few months had never happened. Slowly Gerard started being more social again.

Mikey finally told me that he thinks Gerard was scared by the overdose and that it really wasn't intentional and that Gerard really did quit for a while. He said he thinks Gerard started taking them again shortly before breaking up with Bob.

All of a sudden, Gerard spoke up from behind us in a soft, broken tone, "Is that what you're going to do again?" Mikey and me both jumped. By the look on Gerard's face, he had been listening for a while. Neither one of us answered him, so he asked, "I haven't tried to hurt anyone. Am I really that bad of a person?"

My heart sank from my throat to my toes instantly. He wasn't mad. Gerard was hurt. I practically ran to him and threw my arms around him. I murmured to him, "No, baby. We aren't doing that to you again. You aren't a bad person at all! We're just worried about you, and we don't want to see you hurt yourself. We love you. _I_ love you!"

Gerard just nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. I think he was crying. Finally he drew in a long breath and let go of me. He pressed a soft, quick kiss to my lips and then retreated to our room. I looked to Mikey, and he motioned for me to follow Gerard. For the rest of the night, Gerard just drew silently.

Ever since, Gerard has seemed a little reserved. I keep catching him watching me like he's almost afraid of me. Quite frankly, Journal, it kills me. I would NEVER just send him away like that! I don't believe it would help him, even if I didn't know about before! He's too sensitive for that!

I feel like I've lost some of Gerard's trust, and I hope I can earn it back if so. Last night after he thought I was asleep, he ran his fingers through my hair for a few minutes before cupping my cheek and kissing me. Then he whispered to me, "I love you so much, Frankie. Please don't leave me. I promise I have everything under control and I'm quitting. Just please don't leave me before I can get better." He took my hand in his, kissed the back of my fingers, and snuggled up to me with my hand against his face. I only realized Gerard was crying when I felt his tears dampening my hand.

No matter what, Journal, I won't leave him! I mean it too. NOTHING can make me. He needs me, and I need him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so it's been almost five months since I've updated this. I am SO sorry! To be honest, I've written another 30k plus words for "Sing for Me, Pretty," and getting revisions done. I've also gotten a job to help me fund my publishing endeavors, but it takes up a lot of my time.
> 
> As I have always said, I will not abandon this story! It is always in the back of my mind. I know where it's going, and I'm so excited to see this thing through.
> 
> For those of you still with me, thank you with all my heart! You guys (and Gerard) are my inspiration, and I owe it you to finish this. My love to every single one of you!!
> 
> xo Miz


	48. January 29, 2000

Hey, Journal. It's been a rough couple of days. Wednesday Gerard seemed like he was starting to get sick. I offered to stay home with him, but he said he'd be fine so I went to school. I had to go straight to work afterwards. I tried to call him between the two but Mikey answered. Mikey should have still been at school himself. He wouldn't tell me anything except he had come home early to check on Gerard and that Gerard was sleeping right then.

I had a gut feeling that something was up. I went on to work though. Mikey had told me he wasn't keeping secrets from me anymore so I tried to ignore that churning feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I got home from work a little late. Gerard was already in bed. Mikey said Gerard had eaten some dinner, took a shower and then went to bed but that he was feeling somewhat better. When I went to look in on him though he looked worse. His eyes were sunk in looking and his skin was covered in sweat and really hot. He did seem to be sleeping soundly so I didn't try to wake him up.

Early Thursday morning I was dragged out of a peaceful sleep by a loud commotion. I noticed immediately that Gerard wasn't in bed with me anymore. I followed the noises out into the hall. I found Mikey first. He was right outside of the bathroom looking really worried. I thought his eyes were going pop out when he saw me coming, but he didn't try to stop me. Actually he took a step back to let me in.

Gerard was sitting barely upright in the floor hugging the toilet and puking his guts up. I started to ask Mikey what was going on, but as soon as Gerard heard my voice, he started whimpering, "Mikey, no. He can't see this." I looked at Gerard and back to Mikey. Mikey didn't seem to care about Gerard's whining. He said loud enough that Gerard would hear him, "He's trying to protect your feelings. He doesn't want you to feel guilty."

I was confused. Why would Gerard being sick make me feel guilty? Looking at Gerard's expression told me they weren't lying. He looked scared and broken, and his eyes were turning red from where he was starting to cry.

I went over to him and put my hand on his cheek and kissed the top of his head. I asked him what was really going on. He started to answer me but ended up throwing up again. Mikey said from behind me that Gerard felt like I was mad at him, like we were starting to grow apart so Monday he stopped taking everything cold turkey. And he didn't just stop, he flushed what he had left so he couldn't be tempted to take any more.

Then _I _wanted to puke. I had no idea Gerard would be this sick if he quit taking the pills like that! I mean, I've heard of withdrawals but I didn't know he was that addicted to them! I wanted to cuddle him up in my lap and just make everything okay. Except he won't fit in my lap and I had no clue how to make anything better.__

__I asked Mikey what we could do. He said the first option was to take Gerard to the hospital. Gerard started to get frantic, but Mikey calmed him down by saying a little louder that that wasn't a very good option because they would probably admit him to a rehab facility against his will._ _

__Gerard started gagging again but he couldn't throw up anymore apparently. All he did was dry heave. I ran my fingers through his hair and asked Mikey what other options did we have. He said I wasn't going to like it._ _

__I looked at Gerard for a moment. I couldn't stand to see him like that so I was at least willing to hear it. I told Mikey as much. He made a face and said, "We figure out how to get him more and ration them out to him."_ _

__Mikey was right. I REALLY didn't like that at all. But it was that or crush Gerard by letting him be forced into rehab again. All I said was okay and started tending to Gerard._ _

__Eventually me and Mikey managed to get him back in bed and sleeping again. By then the sun was close to coming up. Mikey said for now Gerard probably had more at Dad and Mom's. That would probably buy us a little time to figure out how to get more. I asked Mikey why we didn't just ask Gerard where and how he gets them. He sighed weakly and said Gerard wouldn't give up his sources, that Gerard knew once he did that he would have to find new people to get them from. I knew Mikey had more experience with Gerard's addiction by then so I was grateful for him honestly._ _

__As Mikey headed out, I stopped him. I told him, "This is just a short term solution, right, Mikey?" He kind of shrugged one shoulder and said he hoped so. Encouraging, huh, Journal?_ _

__I have no idea what we're doing. I don't even know what pills Gerard is taking. I'm sure Mikey does, but I'm still trying to cope with knowing I'm now enabling him. I feel like that's a far cry from helping him._ _

__Anyway, I haven't been to school or work since Thursday. Gerard slept most of Thursday. And he's barely eating. But he seems to be getting better, if I can say still taking pills is better._ _

__Gerard knew me well enough though. I'm ate up with guilt. I was adamant about him quitting and I haven't even been trying to hide my irritation and aggravation. He knows I love him and he loves me back so much that he did this to himself to make me happy. He was willing to be miserable for me to be happy. How did I not see that, Journal?! I am like the WORST boyfriend ever! I was so stupid and demanded of him the impossible! I still want him to quit, but I get now that it's not going to happen overnight. Or quickly at all._ _

__I want to be there for him. I want to give him more support than I have been. He's going to need alot of help that I'm going to need more knowledge to give him._ _

__Mikey is telling me all he knows, but it's not much. Mom came over Thursday. Mikey said she knows more and I asked him to call her. The first thing she did was check on Gerard, who was sleeping. Once she was satisfied he wasn't dying right then, she turned her attention to me and fussed at me for not sleeping enough. Then she kissed my head and said, "But I know it's hard to sleep when he's in such a bad way and you're worried." I started crying. It was like she had just broken the dam I had put up to keep it all in and my emotion just flooded out of me._ _

__Mom is the BEST! She hugged me and just swayed me a little until I felt better. I went to wipe my face and blow my nose, and when I got back, Mom had some coffee going. She said Mikey had told her I wanted to talk about Gerard's "nasty habit." I told her I felt like I needed to know more if I was really going to help him. I explained what had happened and how guilty I felt. Then I started crying again. She shushed me and said she was going to tell me a secret._ _

__I watched her wide eyed while she tucked my hair behind my ear. She looked me right in the eye and said, "I'm glad you did it. You are the first person that has ever had such influence on Gerard. He didn't try to quit for Bob or Mikey or even me. But he's trying for you. Don't stop, Frank. For God and Gerard's sake, keep doing whatever it is you're doing."_ _

__I made us a couple of cups of coffee while Mom started talking. She said the pills are prescription. Gerard was given them for legitimate reasons. After a while, they didn't work as well so he started taking more. Eventually his doctors wouldn't up his dosage anymore. Gerard then started buying them from other people. Mom said they introduced Gerard to other pills and soon he was completely out of control._ _

__I asked Mom if that was when he went to rehab. She said no. Gerard was still in high school at that point. He was a senior and already set to graduate but his grades started slipping._ _

__Once art school started, he tried to stop but the pills had taken a hold of him by then. Mom said he wasn't able to kick them completely but he did slow down. She said you could tell how his life was going by the amount he went through. The shittier his life was, the more pills he went through and the faster he went through them._ _

__I thought about what I knew of Gerard's past. I wondered how much Mom knew about that abusive boyfriend. I wanted to ask but I told Gerard I wouldn't tell anyone and didn't want to break my promise. I think the two are somehow connected, that guy and Gerard's pills._ _

__Mom kept going with how eventually Gerard seemed like he really wanted help and told me what Mikey had already told me about his stint in rehab. I finally gathered the nerve to ask her what exactly Gerard takes. She said mostly Xanax. If he can't get those he'll take Ativans. And when things get really bad, Gerard will take Adderall to counteract the the other two when he needs to be alert. I suppose it could be worse. Gerard could be addicted to cocaine. But then Mom made it worse. Gerard's not taking 3 or 4. No, he's taking up to 10 or 12 a day. Mom said at his worst he could take more than she could keep up with._ _

__Mom said me and Mikey needed to watch him carefully. She said that he was going to stop sleeping very soon and become unable to sleep at all and very agitated. No matter what though we weren't to give him more than two a day. And if things got so bad we couldn't handle it to call her and Dad._ _

__My god was she right! Not long after she left Gerard woke up. Things went from bad to hell in hours. Yesterday morning he yelled at me until I was in tears. Mikey called for help._ _

__Dad went straight to deal with Gerard while Mom comforted me. She said that it wasn't Gerard talking, that it was his withdrawal talking. They ended up staying over and are still here. That's how I've had the time to write all this. Gerard wouldn't let me sleep in the bed so I stayed in the floor. I can't say slept because I didn't do much sleeping._ _

__I'm scared, Journal. I've never experienced anything like this and I'm scared for Gerard. He's really sick. Last night he kept saying things that made no sense. This morning he accused Mikey of trying to kill him and later me of being some guy named Bert. I gathered that everyone but me knew who Bert was. I need to find out who he is. I have a bad feeling I'm going to regret finding out._ _

__It's about time for me to go try to check on Gerard again so I'm going to sign off for now. I'll keep you posted when I can._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of this chapter, this is officially the longest fic I have written to date. Yey!! And just think, it is still a long way from being over.
> 
> Thanks for hanging around! I hope you'll stay with me until the end!
> 
> xo Miz


	49. February 16, 2000

So, Journal, do you remember those little art lessons Gerard used to give me? I don't know why I thought about them the other day. It was such a wonderful and warm feeling I'd get when we had those moments together. With all the shit going on, I figured me and Gerard could both use another art lesson. And since Valentine's Day was Monday, I figured that was a good day for one.

I got home from school about an hour before Gerard got home. I had propped up on the bed with one of his notebooks and was drawing when he walked in the bedroom. I saw the corner of his mouth draw up into a grin, but I acted like I didn't. He quickly snuggled up beside me and asked what I was drawing.

Journal, do you remember the lesson about drawing things that mean something to you? The one where I drew Gerard's hands? Well, I had decided to use that to make Gerard feel better mentally. I was drawing his hands again. They mean something to me still after all.

Gerard just looked at me carefully for a couple of minutes. I felt like he was drawing me in his mind with the way he seemed to study me. He finally laid his head on my shoulder just watching me draw.

Eventually I turned and kissed his head and started a conversation with, "Do you remember when I drew your hands the first time?" He hummed that he did. I said, "Well, I didn't tell you all the reasons I was drawing them." He said, "I didn't tell you all the reasons I was glad you drew them." I told him I had known that and that it bugged me for days trying to figure out what other "meanings" he wanted his hands to have to me. He said he'd tell me if I told him. So I told him that I had wanted his hands to touch me and hold me and hold my hand. He said, "That's almost what I was thinking. I wanted my hands to be yours." We sat quietly for a little while as I kept drawing.

It was so great, Journal, just spending some time with Gerard without either of us thinking about everything going on with him! I loved having his warmth pressed against me, his smell so close to me, to just feel his chest move with his breaths. I just loved having him beside me!

He finally asked, "So why are you drawing them now? My hands have touched you all over." I smiled. I had wanted him to figure it out, but I was just as content to actually tell him so I said, "Because I want you to know that I still want your hands, that I still want all of you. I want you to know that you still mean something to me." Gerard took a satisfied breath. I stopped drawing and wiggled my shoulder so he would look up at me. I looked him in his eyes and said, "I want you to know that I still love you and that I'm still here."

Gerard's eyes got glassy like he was fighting back happy tears. His voice was teetering on the edge of emotional when he said, "I needed to hear that so much, Frankie! I wish I could tell you I love you with the right words to make you understand how much but there aren't words that strong and powerful." When he said that, Journal, my heart felt weightless. I know it's so cheesy, but I swear I fell in love all over again. I replied, "I think I have an idea because I know exactly what you mean."

Gerard grabbed me and kissed me so desperately. It's been maybe a month or so since we had any contact like that, but once Gerard's lips met mine, I realized how much I missed him physically.

Things progressed from there. It wasn't rushed like we couldn't stand to be apart any longer though. I, and I think Gerard too, felt comfortable with the pace. It was more about expressing our love for each other than the actions. There was a lot of touching and kissing and just looking at each other.

Gerard eventually pushed into me with his fingers and I finally let my eyes close. I enjoyed focusing my attention on his tender touches, physical expressions of his concern for me.

I felt him position himself between my legs and then get still. I looked up at him and he looked almost sad. He finally breathed, "You are so perfect, Frankie. I don't deserve you." I whispered back, "Yeah you do. I'm not perfect." He smiled softly at me and pushed his dick into me. I didn't have to wait for that feeling though. I already had it. Having Gerard inside of me was just extra.

After we were done, Gerard got up. I asked where he was going. He doubled back and pressed a kiss to my lips before saying, "Please don't make me ruin the moment." I could see the conflict and anguish in his eyes and face. I knew what he meant, where he was going, so I just nodded my head and let him go.

Things aren't all fine now, but I was right. We needed a night away from everything except each other's company. We needed to reconnect. We both needed to know that we were still loved.


	50. February 21, 2000

Dear Journal,

After Valentine’s Day, I got to reading some of the things I’ve written to you over the past year. I was mainly reading what I wrote about Gerard, but I found some other things I didn’t exactly like. Well, I found a lot of stuff actually. Mom and Mikey have been filling me in on Gerard’s past a lot recently and as I was reading, some pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. Like Gerard ripping up his artwork that night? Yeah, Mikey told me that day after it happened that Gerard had done that after he got drunk. But just a week ago or whenever he told me that Gerard had overdosed the only time he had done that before. The key word in that sentence is “only,” Journal. If Gerard has only done that twice and I know about the second time, that means Mikey lied to me about it the first time. Gerard wasn’t drunk but high, and so high that he nearly died.

I ended up asking Mikey about it. We were playing some video games and I just asked him point blank if he had ever lied to me. I may have been kind of forceful about it, but I already knew the answer. By the way Mikey sighed, I figure he knew I knew. After a minute he said, “I knew you’d put it together after I told you.” I asked him why he didn’t just tell me the truth since the only part that was a lie was the alcohol part. Mikey told me that he was trying to protect both Gerard _and_ me. He could see how much Gerard and I were falling for each other so he didn’t want to make me see Gerard’s flaws and hurt Gerard by breaking up with him. I said that didn’t make sense because Mikey still told me Gerard had had a problem. Mikey said to think about it for a minute. I tried to but I just didn’t see Mikey’s logic. I finally just made a face at him. I don’t think Mikey wanted to say it out loud, but he finally said rather frustratedly, “God, Frank! You were looking for signs of him drinking afterwards. So much so that you missed the obvious signs of drug use right in front of you.”

I clenched my jaw and just glared at him. He literally just told me that he had manipulated me and I had no idea what to even reply. Mikey finally put his controller down and said, “I’m sorry, Frank. I know I shouldn’t have done that because you wouldn’t have done that to my brother, but I didn’t know that then and I was tired of dealing with him by myself. Dad and Mom know a lot, but they don’t know everything I know.” I muttered that I didn’t know if that was better or worse. I suddenly had a light bulb go off and I was about fuck Mikey up. As calmly as I could, but I know I was still nasty because I was just past pissed, I asked, “Was this your plan all along? Me and Gerard would get along so fucking famously so that we’d get together so you wouldn’t be alone with him?!” Mikey’s face fell suddenly. I knew before he answered the answer was no. He said, “I swear I never dreamed you guys would fall in love, Frank. I just thought you would be a good friend for Gerard to have, someone besides me and that goddamn Bob.” After that I just went back to my own room.

I was flipping through you again and just letting my mind wonder when a few other things came together. After Gerard tore up his pictures and was redrawing them, he had one of his art lessons with me. He was talking about how emotions show on the page even if we try not to let them. He kept talking about the girl in the picture’s face. I finally found that part to you and read it again. It was September 29th. I think Gerard was talking about himself. I mean, duh, he was, but I mean about taking the pills. The whole thing was one giant metaphor. He didn’t care about his taking them before when they were doing what he wanted them to do, but now he doesn’t want to take them anymore and can’t stop. That’s why I felt like I was missing something when he was telling me all that because I didn’t know about his addiction. I don’t know, Journal, maybe I’m still wrong but if I put all the things I know now with all the things that have happened in the past, that’s the best and only conclusion I can draw. I mean, he tried to quit for me, Journal! He made himself sick trying to break his habit! If that doesn’t say “I don’t want to take pills anymore” I don’t know what does.

I’ve just been thinking too much lately I think. Great, now I’m thinking about me thinking. This is all just so draining. I need a break or something. I need to just chill out. That’s just so hard to do when I’m surrounded by all of it all the time. I think I’m just going to go to bed for now.

Good night, Journal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might be wrapping this up soon. To be honest, it's starting to drag again. I know where it's going, but the time frame I need it to fit in is WAY too long. But then again, I'm thinking I might add a new character or two to fill some space (or time really). It would be like a subplot. And I apologize this chapter was kind of short, but Frank needed to just vent some thoughts before the plot moves on. 
> 
> I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Happy New Year to all! My love and hugs!
> 
> xo Miz


	51. March 19, 2000

Dear Journal,

I spent the whole day with Alicia today. Mikey had to work, and I just needed to get some space between me and Gerard. At first we played guitar. I think at this point, I’m teaching Alicia more things than she’s teaching me, but that’s okay. It’s really fun to play with her. She’s fucking badass on guitar. I mean, there are some things I can do better than her, but there are definitely things she does a hell of a lot better than I can. Her fingers are smaller than mine, if you can believe that, so she can easily get those tricky chords no problems, but I can move up and down the frets faster than she can. It’s really not a competition though.

After a few hours, she said she needed something to drink. I was parched too, so we went into the kitchen. Alicia casually mentions making a call, so I went back and started picking a few things out on my guitar. She joins me a few minutes later with a smug look on her face. I asked her what, but she did her chick thing with her shoulders and said nothing. I told her that I was gay and we are both dating a Way brother. She looked at me in fake shock then said, “Duh, you idiot. It’s nothing.” I wasn’t buying it, but Alicia’s not as good as Gerard with keeping things secret. I knew she’d spill soon. I kept on playing, and Alicia started humming along.

I finally noticed she kept looking out her window. I knew she’d give it away. She was waiting for someone. I knew it wasn’t Mikey because he wasn’t supposed to get off for a few more hours. About five minutes later, this girl and two guys show up, and Alicia has that stupid grin on her face again. She still had one up on me, but I thought I had figured out that smug look. She wanted me to play for some friends of hers, end of story. WRONG.

Anyways, so I started playing some stuff I’ve been working on writing, and soon Dude 1 picks up Alicia’s guitar and starts picking out some stuff. The girl seems to have decent rhythm, and Dude 2 starts making up lyrics sporadically. It was really, really cool! We all seem to play well together, and they are great musicians. So things wind down a bit, and we chatted for a few minutes about how long we’d been playing and stuff. Then Dude 1 looks at Alicia and says, “You’re right. He’s good.” I made a show of clearing my throat and said, “Uh, yeah. I’m right here. But thanks.” Dude 2 goes, “Oh, we didn’t mean anything by it. But look, we are looking for a guitar player for our band. Alicia goes on and on about you to us all the time, man, but she keeps saying you aren’t interested. So we kind of tricked you into an audition.”

I was kind of offended at first, but Alicia was right. No matter how many times she’d have asked me or how she’d have asked me, I wouldn’t have agreed to do it. I’m not looking to join a band I thought. But these guys are really awesome guys. And girl. And yes, journal, they have names. Jenny is the girl, and I found out she plays bass. Benson is Dude 1, the singer/guitar player. And James is Dude 2, the drummer/keyboard player. Oh god, Journal, they have the best band name: Shades of Death. They asked me if I’d join them, but I couldn’t say yes outright. I mean, I have so much going on already with work, school, and Gerard. Oh, and Gerard, Gerard, Mikey, Gerard. But I did agree to come to a few practices with them and see how things go.

They left shortly after that, and Alicia thanked me for being a good sport. I thanked her for the nice distraction. She asked me if things were okay. I scoffed and said my definition of okay seems to be changing a lot recently. I mean, I didn’t know how much Mikey’s been telling her. She said she knew what I meant a little. I asked if things were okay with Mikey. She said he just wasn’t trusting her enough to talk to her and it kind of hurt her feelings some. I tried to defend Mikey’s honor some by telling Alicia that he was dealing with some stuff that I couldn't talk about, but that Mikey was only being that way because he was trying to protect everyone.

Alicia surprised me then. She asked, “So how are you handling all the stuff going on with Gerard?” I just kind of looked at her a long minute. She finally said, “Mikey’s told me what’s going on, and I know that’s what you were just talking about. I just want to make sure you’re okay.” I just kind of pour it all out to her then. I needed someone to talk to so bad, and Mikey is having a hard enough time dealing with this without having to listen to me go on and on.

We ended up talking all evening. I called Mikey to let him know where I was, and he said he was going to go home and make sure Gerard ate this evening. We talked about how Mikey seems to be in denial about Gerard’s drug habit sometimes. We talked about how draining it is for me and how much pressure it puts on me that Gerard only seems to listen to me right now. She said it sounded like I was a little bit resentful at Gerard for putting me in the position I’m in and that I need to try to keep that from getting between us.

And she’s right. A part of me is angry at Gerard. I’m not angry because he has this problem, but I’m angry that he’s made me become almost a caretaker for him instead of his boyfriend. I make sure his clothes are washed and he gets to work every day. I have to beg him to eat most of the time. I have to watch him every moment of the day to make sure he’s not getting sick from too many pills or not enough pills or not eating and the likes. I have to monitor his weight so he doesn’t lose too much. I keep up with his money so he doesn’t blow it all on pills. And I even have to dole out the fucking pills to him sometimes. I don’t want to hand him those fucking things! I don’t want him to take them!! Giving him the damn pills makes me feel more like an enabler than a good boyfriend, even though I’m doing it to make sure he’s not overdosing! I hate him for hurting me like this!

After ranting about all of that to Alicia, Mikey called, and my reprieve from Gerard was over. Gerard was refusing to eat again. This is the third day in a row. He knows we won’t let him go three days without eating anything, so he used it against me, saying he wasn’t going to eat anything until I came home. I could hear him in the background telling Mikey in a sad, broken tone to tell me he missed me and loved me, but Mikey said he wasn’t saying that then told me to just get home soon.

By then, the moon was starting to come out. I stood in the yard for a minute just looking at it. It was a full moon, bright and huge. I braced for the fight I knew was to come and went on in. Gerard was curled up in a fetal position on the sofa staring blankly into oblivion. When he heard the door he whimpered, “I’m tearing him apart, ain’t I, Mikes? I’m making him hate me? That’s why he’s not home yet?”

I know it’s a game probably, but it broke my heart. Gerard’s addicted to drugs, not suddenly stupid. He knows what’s going on, and sometimes I think he beats himself up about it more than we know. I know he’s miserable.

I tried to sound mildly happy and said back, “I still love you, Gerard. And I’m home now.” He drew out “Frankie!” really happily. Well, as happy as he’s been lately anyway. He tried to get up, and I noticed he was uncoordinated. I asked him if he was high, and he said Mikey had given him some meds because he’d had a bad day. I wanted to ask him why, but I knew better. I rushed over to him before he fell off the sofa, snapping, “They’re not meds, Gerard. Meds are something you get from a pharmacy with a prescription.” He looked up at me with his big puppy eyes (that were almost blown) and said, “I’m sorry I’m hurting you.” I settled down beside him and put my arms around him. I just loved him for a while, stroking his hair and kissing his head.

I finally thought of what to say. I got him to look at me. I asked him if he remembered making me promise to not let him hurt me. He just nodded. I told him that I’m still keeping that promise, that I’m not letting him hurt me more than I can take. I also told him that I love him and I want to help him get better. I smiled softly at him, because god that man makes my heart melt, and I asked him, “I can’t help you get better if I leave, can I?” He just said, “No you can’t.”

After that I got him to eat. Mikey had brought him a burger, but Gerard said his stomach was upset and he didn’t want it. I ended up making pancakes at 10, but it’s all I could get him to eat. He fell asleep just after he ate, maybe 15 minutes ago.

He looks so beautiful, Journal. I just want to cuddle him up and hold him forever. I better get some sleep for myself. Morning is going to come very early, and I’ll have to get him up and ready for work.

Good night, Journal!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a couple of things happened this chapter. I'm curious what people are thinking about which parts.
> 
> Anywho, thanks for your patience and for reading! Loves and hugs!  
> xo Miz


	52. March 23, 2000

Dear Journal,

I’m sleeping on the couch for a few days. Or, I hope it’s only a few days anyway. Me and Gerard had this really big fight, and uh… yeah, I had to step back some. He’s moved the bed across the room so that he can lay there and still see me. I know he’s sorry, but his words aren’t the problem. I just… I never thought Gerard could be that violent, you know, Journal? And if Mikey hadn’t of come home when he did, I’d probably not even be in this house right now.

Mikes is actually more pissed at Gerard than I am. I’m not so much pissed as just hurt though, you know? Both mentally and physically. I think what pushed Mikey over the edge though was Gerard yelling that we had broken our promises to him. Mikey kept telling Gerard that it’s not our responsibility to keep him in line, but Gerard just kept going and going, just kept screaming how it was my fault that he did that and how it was Mikey’s fault that Mikey wasn’t here to stop him and how nobody’s doing anything to help him stop that fucking shit. Mikey only got him to shut up by threatening to send him back to the hospital. Then Gerard just started on whining about nobody cares. After everything he did last night, yeah, nobody cared if Gerard got his feelings a little hurt last night.

That’s not really true, Journal. Me and Mikes love Gerard so much it hurts. Maybe that’s our problem. What else should I have done, Journal? Okay, I just read this back and you might be able to help me more if I told you the whole story. I’m not sure I want to though. Maybe I’ll tell you tomorrow, when writing this doesn’t physically hurt so much. Maybe after a little more time has passed for me to process it all.

I’m sorry, Journal, but I just can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this journal entry is short, but it's intended to be that way to show Frank's state of mind. I promise the next entry is going to give you the whole story of what happened "last night". 
> 
> Thanks for everyone's patience! And thank you for continuing to read!  
> xo Miz


	53. March 24, 2000

Okay, Journal. I'm going to tell you what happened. Just start to finish, no questions or stopping or even breathing. Straight through just so I have it in here.

The day before yesterday, Mikey had to work. That meant it was my turn to stay with Gerard. There was this stupid car wreck blocking up traffic so I was late getting home. When I walked into the bedroom, pills were scattered all over the floor, and Gerard was snoring softly on the bed. I figured he'd be out long enough for me to get a quick shower.

I was rinsing off when Gerard came stumbling into the bathroom. I jumped out and wrapped a towel around me so I could help him back to the room. Being high and all, Gerard was acting silly. He reached down and pulled my towel off and started making these seductive little remarks. It's been a little while since we've been together that way because Gerard's usually pretty agitated so I told him to give me a quick minute and he could have all of me he wanted. He smirked, kissed my lips and said, “I love you, Frankie." It was so sincere. I just threw my arms around him and hugged him for a moment.

I got dried off and back in the bedroom. Gerard is struggling to get his clothes off so I helped him undress. He giggles and writhes under my touch, and I can't help but eat it all up. For God's sake, Journal, I miss him so much every single day. I just got lost in the moment! I forgot what was really happening! I forgot about Gerard's past! I was just STUPID!!

I climbed up over him. He started kissing my chest, my shoulder, face, neck, just anything he could attach his mouth to. I ran my hand down his stomach, his abdomen, finally over his hard dick. He made an involuntary pleased sound. I said, “Does that feel good, Gee?" He hummed yeah, so I stroked him a few more times.

I should have been paying attention, but I wasn't. It's not all Gerard's fault, Journal! If I wouldn't have been being so selfish, I'd have noticed the shift in him.

I pressed a kiss to the side of his temple and then whispered in his ear, “God, Gerard! You are so... SO beautiful spread out like this, wanting me. I miss you so much!" And that was the trigger that set Gerard off.

Before I knew what was happening, Gerard was on top of me, his hands wrapped around my throat. He sneered at me with such angry hatred written on his face that I was suddenly very afraid of him. And when he spoke, I knew I was in trouble. “Not this time, Berty-boy," he growled through gritted teeth.

Gerard had no idea who I was. The drugs had taken him back to a different place and time, leaving me defenceless with no idea who Gerard was fighting in his mind. I should have known though. There's only one person Gerard absolutely hates, one person that haunts his dreams.

I tried to pry his hands away from my throat, which earned me a knee in the ribs as he straddled my chest to hold me down. I stopped struggling for a moment, hoping he would realize what he was doing and to who. I choked out “I love you. Please stop." as tears fell down my face, and I had a glimmer of hope that it worked because Gerard moved his hands to my wrists, pinning my arms to the bed, his fingers painfully twisting the skin on them. He got right in my face, so close that I could feel the small drops of spit hitting my face as he once again growled at me. “I used to beg you to stop, Bert. I begged and cried, screamed, pleaded with you to not rape me, to not tear me up and make me bleed yet again! But not once did you ever, EVER think about me!"

That was when I knew who Gerard was fighting in his head and that I was fighting for my life. Gerard intended to kill his first boyfriend once and for all for doing to him things Gerard still can't admit to himself that this Bert guy did to him. And honestly, Journal, somewhere deep inside of me a part of me felt like I deserved some of what Gerard was doing to me because of all the times I pushed Gerard further than he was comfortable with, for all the times I made him relive those horrible memories when we first got together.

I knew Gerard was seeing his abuser and not me, but I had to apologize. “I'm sorry I hurt you, Gerard. I'm sorry I didn't know." But once again, my words fueled Gerard's anger. He somehow braced his feet on my hip bones and used that leverage to multiply the force of each blow his fists landed on my body. All I could do was try to block them when Gerard wasn't holding my arms down.

I had almost given up hope when I heard the front door close. I screamed for Mikey as loud as I could, and relief flooded my mind when I heard his running footsteps coming my way. Gerard was quickly jerked off of me, and all I could do was lay there trembling. I took a shuddery breath and started to climb up from the bed. Gerard was hissing and cursing as he tried to break free of Mikey's arms. “No! Let me go! Let me give this son of a bitch what he deserves!" he screamed at Mikey.

“I'm going to show this bastard what it feels like to be used, to be torn open up the middle and left bleeding!" I was more grateful for Mikey right then. I had no idea Gerard wasn't intending to kill his ex but to rape him in retaliation instead. He very nearly raped me!

Mikey got Gerard to focus on him and told him that if I were really Bert, he wouldn't stop Gerard, that he would let him give this creep a taste of his own medicine. Gerard started to argue, but Mikey forced Gerard to focus on him again. He said, “You know I wouldn't let that asshole in here, right?" Gerard looked defiant but shook his head yes. Mikey said, “I'm not letting you go, but I want you to turn around and look at him, Gerard. Look at who you were about to hurt!" Gerard glared at me as Mikey kept going, asking him who lives in this room with him and loves him.

Gerard looked back at Mikey, and I swear I saw something inside of Gerard break. He sounded scared and confused. “My Frankie does," he replied. Mikey told Gerard to look at me one more time and asked him, “Who does that look like to you, Gerard? Bert or your Frank?" Gerard carefully examined me for a minute. His breathing was fast and erratic still, but Mikey let him go. He reached out his fingertips like he was going to brush them down my cheek and then suddenly grabbed a handful of my hair and slammed me face first into the wall.

“That's not MY Frankie," he screamed. He said that his Frank wouldn't have let him hurt him, that his Frank had promised. I hadn't even thought about that, Journal, but when he said that, my heart sank to my toes. I had broken my promise to him.

The entire room was suddenly silent to me. I could see Mikey's lips moving, but it was like I could only hear the angels cursing me as I slumped on the bed naked for God and Gerard and Mikey to see.

I was snapped back to reality when Gerard roughly grabbed me, but quickly I realized he no longer intended me harm. He was now protecting me from Mikey, who posed no threat except in Gerard's mind, and screaming that Mikey had broken his promise too, his promise to never let Gerard hurt me, break me. Gerard drug me into his lap and hugged me so tightly to his chest I could hardly breathe, and I realized Gerard was crying even though he was still screaming at Mikey.

That's when Mikey said something about Gerard taking some “fucking responsibility" for his own actions. Gerard said no one was helping him and threw the blame at us again until Mikey told him that if Gerard needed that kind of help, he'd send Gerard back to Belleville Asylum.

I felt Gerard flinch at that. Now I wonder what horrible things Gerard endured there that Mikey's threat could shut Gerard up just like that. I mean, Gerard kept whimpering about nobody caring, but he let Mikey take me from him so we could assess my damage.

I have dark handprints on my arms and around my neck. More blackish blue bruises litter my body and hips. My lower lip is split almost all the way through. My right wrist and hand are swollen and so is my left eye. It hurts to swallow anything or even breathe. Gerard definitely did a number on me.

Mikey told Gerard that he wanted me in the living room so I would heal faster. I wish he wouldn't have. Gerard deserves the truth: I'm hurt because of what he did so I want some time away from him, to recuperate and recharge.

But I'm not going anywhere, Journal, so you can forget that! Gerard has had more than his share of pain, and I refuse to add to it. If there is still a chance I can help him even the smallest bit, I'll be here beside him giving him my all.

I'm going to take a pain pill and try to get some rest now, Journal. Maybe I'll sleep a little better having gotten all of that out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. That was actually hard to write. Not just because of the violence, but because Gerard's pain is so strong, I can own it myself. (And once again, we peel away another layer off Gerard's character to reveal more questions.)
> 
> Please leave me a comment about what you're thinking!
> 
> Thanks for reading, my beauties!  
> xo Miz


	54. March 31, 2000

Hi, Journal. I've had a busy week. A few things have happened I wanted to tell you about. First, I'm not enrolled in college anymore. Because of what happened with Gerard, I got too far behind to get caught up in my classes. I'm not sure if I'm going to enroll again this fall. I'll figure that out then. As long as I enroll again within a year, my scholarship will still be good, so dropping out now is probably more good than bad.

Also, I've been to a few practices with the guys from Shades of Death. I've always enjoyed playing guitar with Alicia, but playing with those guys is like natural or something. I really can't explain it, but we all just get it when we're together. We wrote a song together in just two hours. And I mean a complete song, ready to be played live. It was SO AWESOME!

I talked to Mikey the day before. He had went with me to a practice and liked what he heard. He even said he was our first fan, which actually made me laugh. Anyway, he asked me if I was going to join them, and I told him I couldn't because of everything going on right now. Mikey said that was bullshit. He said I needed something other than Gerard to focus on and this band was just the thing. We talked about it some more and I finally told him I'd think about. Mikey just nodded and said, “Well, let me know when you guys are ready for a merch guy so I can volunteer before anyone else does." Mikey always knows before anyone else what other people are going to do, and this time is no exception. I spent the night on the sofa thinking about it, and I have decided that I am officially joining Shades of Death. They are going to be so thrilled! But I mean, right now it's still just a garage band, so it's not like I'm committing to a contract. Just practices, song writing, and other creative input. James had mentioned a couple of gigs he's been working on getting set up, so maybe a few sets. It doesn't matter though; I'm super excited!

Mom came over a few days ago. I didn't even hear her come in the house. She said she hadn't heard from anyone and just wanted to check on us. Like I said, I didn't even know she was here. Apparently I was only covered up to the waist, and she saw all the marks Gerard left on me. I woke up to find her sitting across from me just looking at me. I said, “Um, hi, Mom.” and she just sighed like she was tired. I started to pull the sheet around me and she said, “I’ve already seen them, honey. How did he do that?”

I tried to play dumb because I know Gerard already feels bad enough without Mom having a go at him too. She sighed again then said, “I wasn’t born yesterday, Frank. I know it was Gerard.” After I just sat there she finally asked me what I was so scared of, if I was scared of Gerard. I couldn’t let her think that, so I told her the truth. I’m scared her and Dad will force him back into Belleville again and I don’t think that will help him. She asked what made me think that it won’t help, and I told her because I know Gerard. She just looked at me like she was thinking and I realized who I just said that too. I told her that I have a strong feeling that something bad happened to him in there the last time and sending him back there is just going to make things worse.

I kept going that I think the drugs aren’t really Gerard’s problem. I think he’s got some things bothering him that the drugs cover up. Mom just let me talk. She listened to me and never tried to argue back or anything. I told her that I think Gerard has issues with some things that happened to him in the past, things I can’t tell her about because it’s not my place to, and that those things are still tearing him up inside. I finally stopped with, “Mom, I think if we fix what’s hurting him, we can get him to stop taking those pills. But I don’t know how to fix them.”

Mom just hugged me so tight and told me that was very mature. I told her I just want to help him, to make him happy. She told me, “Frank, sweetie, you already are! Trust me, I’m his mother, and I’ve seen changes in him since you two got together — since he _met_ you — that I’ve never seen before. _Good_ changes, Frank.” I wanted to ask her what they were, but I didn’t. She finally broke the silence with, “Tell me what happened, please.” So I did. I didn’t quite tell her all the graphic details, but I told her what happened.

When I mentioned that Bert guy though, her face hardened, and I got the feeling she knew about him, knew who he was. I hadn’t mentioned what Gerard had said about getting revenge, but Mom seemed to have figured it out. She said, “Bert raped Gerard, didn’t he?” I told her that I couldn’t answer that for her, that it was Gerard’s business to talk about if he wanted her to know or not. But really, anything I said other than no was a yes. Mom and I both knew that. Mom took a shaky breath and said, “I’m so glad he has you now.”

We both just sat quiet for a long moment. Eventually I asked her, “Mom, how do I forgive him? I mean, I don’t really blame him, but I don’t want him to think it’s okay either.” Mom just said she trusted I’d know when the time was right and how to do it. Then she asked me if I was really okay. I told her I was just sore, but nothing was permanently damaged, including mentally. She forced a smile and said, “Well, I’ll call around and see if I can find someone for Gerard to talk to, and you and Mikey see if you can come up with a way to get him there. Deal?” I told her deal.

I love Mom. She’s so accepting and eager to listen and help. She never makes you feel bad, even when she’s fussing at you. You always know that she loves you.

So now Mikey and I are trying to figure out how to get Gerard to go talk with whoever Mom finds. I know Mom will choose the right person, so I really want to just be honest with Gerard about it all. Mikey’s not so sure it will work, but I think being honest will work out better in the long run. I guess we’ll find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So with the writing of this chapter, quite a few things I had planned for this story changed drastically. Nearly the entire plot has shifted some, and I am glad to say these changes are going to help keep this story going for a while. I hope you all will continue to read along! 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and your love!  
> xo Miz


	55. April 11, 2000

Hey, Journal. Read anything good lately? Okay, bad joke. I'm in a good mood though. It's nice for a change. And would you like to know why? Of course you would; being my place for all my secrets, you're just dying to know.

Well honestly, Journal, Gerard did it. It was his birthday two days ago, as I'm sure you know. The day started like any other Sunday. We slept in then ate junk food for breakfast. Mom and Dad came over with a nice lunch and some gifts for Gerard.

All day, he kept looking at me. I can't explain the look on his face. It wasn't longing or sorrow or painful, not any of his more recent normal looks. It was kind of peaceful and loving, but different. It was, call me crazy, selfless, like he just wanted to look at me, wanted to make sure I was good. Journal, it was the old Gerard I fell in love with. And all day he kept intentionally brushing up against me. His hand against mine, his knee against mine. Small, soft touches like way back when.

I tried to resist, Journal, honest. We haven't resolved what happened last month yet. And it was really hard. I managed to last most of the day at least.  After dinner, which was really lunch leftovers, Gerard says, "Why don't you come look at some stuff I've been working on." I couldn't say no.

I haven't been in our room with Gerard since that day, but that was the last thing on my mind. Our bedroom holds so many good memories for me, of Gerard and us. It smells like Gerard and it wraps me up in its comfort as soon as I walk in the door. The only thing on my mind was how much I missed Gerard and our bedroom.

I settled down on the side of the bed while Gerard gathered some things off his desk. He sat down beside me, and I thought back to the first time we kissed, sitting side by side on his bed back at Mom and Dad's. Gerard started showing me the newer stuff he had drawn. I listened to him talk about all the influences and ideas that went into it. But there was something desperate deep down in his voice, almost like he just wanted to talk to me about anything. I knew that feeling.

Before I knew what I was doing, I half whispered, "I love you." Gerard stopped talking midsentence. He just looked at me, relief filling his eyes. Just like it was filling my gut. Slowly he leaned in and gently kissed me. I felt a rush of adrenaline like it was our first kiss all over again. God, I missed him, Journal!

Things really didn't go any farther. We ended up laying face to face with our hands tangled together just talking intimately. He apologize for last month yet again, but something about it was different this time. Mom was right; I knew when to forgive him and that time was right then.

We talked for a while. It felt so good too, just being alone together. But deep down I knew it would end too soon; Gerard would need more pills. When he started shaking, I told him to go take some pills. He said, "You're all I need tonight, Frankie."

We laid together, an awkward silence hanging between us. I watched him get worse before I finally got up. Gerard asked me where I was going. I pulled the bottle of pills out of his drawer and sat them down on the nightstand.

"Just one, Gerard. Please," I asked him. He pulled me down in the bed and held me tight. He said, "I only want you tonight. Just... just let me have you tonight." I just nodded and snuggled in to his warmth. Eventually I fell asleep.

When I woke up, Gerard looked really rough, like he had hardly slept that night. He had to have taken some eventually though because he was sleeping. Judge me if you want, Journal, but I didn't mind. Because he tried for me. He didn't take any pills because I was with him. I didn't care because he wasn't thinking of only himself. And that meant a lot to me. 

So I'm back in the bedroom again. Gerard and I are still walking on eggshells around each other, but at least it's progress. I think Mikey is glad too. 

I just can't help but love him, Journal. That doesn't mean I have to love his drug habit. I just love him in spite of it. I love the man underneath it all. 

And speaking of loving him, Gerard just got home from work, so I'm going to go. Talk to you later, Journal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was promised a couple of weeks ago, but Frank and I have fought over this chapter. I wasn't ready for them to make up, but Frank was tired of fighting with Gerard. To be completely honest, I'm still not happy with this chapter, but I'm posting it anyway. I'll just have to see how things go from here. 
> 
> To all who have waited so patiently and commented to ask for another chapter, thank you and my love to you! 
> 
> xo Miz


	56. April 15, 2000

Dear Journal,

I had the best day with Gerard today! When we got up this morning, we made a pact. Gerard agreed to take only enough pills to keep him going, and I agreed to give him a moment alone when he needed to do so. And we agreed because we wanted to spend the day together.

Gerard kissed me after we understood the other's thoughts on the matter. It was almost like he was thanking me. We both got up from the bed. He headed for the bathroom while I headed towards the kitchen. I knew what he was doing in there, and while it still bothers me, I'm no longer living under the delusion he can just stop taking them on his own.

I made myself stop thinking about it and got the cereal out for us to eat. Just as I was sitting down, Gerard came in the kitchen. Neither of us said much. We just made a plan for what we needed to do today.

After we ate, we got dressed and headed out. The first place we stopped was the art supply store. Gerard's working on a new comic book... Well, a sequel to the one he had published, and he needed some new inks or something. Or pen tips? I don't know. I don't draw like he does. I'm calling them pens.

Leave it to Gerard to turn it into an art lesson though. He's just amazing, Journal. Art is as natural as breathing to him, and he makes these unbelievable metaphors with it!

We went to the drawing section, and I was immediately overwhelmed. There's so much to choose from, like, where do you start? Gerard seemed to know though. He went straight to one pen, picked it up, and then started looking for another one. He finally saw me staring at the foreign language of art supplies, and walked over and put an arm around my waist.

He said each artist has a particular set of tools he uses, that no one can use them all. An artist finds the tools he is most comfortable with as he begins his path into the art world. And as the artist learns and grows, his tools change with his need. Without the right ones, the artwork never feels right to its creator. Sometimes a tool is used for only a single purpose, while other times a tool can serve many purposes.

I just listened to him talk as he went back to looking for the pen he needed. I didn't want him to stop. I love when he speaks like this, so brilliantly and yet easily. When he's being so passionate about his craft.

He picked up another pen and walked back over to me, pecking my lips with a kiss. "Art is like life, Frankie. When you have the wrong tool, the final product is flawed. You have to find the right tools to elevate your work to the next level." And with that, the lesson was over.

I knew what he was trying to tell me though. Those pills he takes are the wrong tool. He knows they are holding him back, messing him up. And he's looking for the right tools, for the ones that are going to make him shine. For a long moment, I just wanted to hold on to him for dear life and never let him go.

After making a stop back at the house for my gear, our next stop was James' garage for band practice. When we got there, Mikey was already doing his thing.

He's decided he's taking care of the band. I think it's his way of being a small part of Shades of Death, but none of us stop him. He keeps cold drinks waiting for us all practice, and when he knows practice is starting to wrap up, he sets up a buffet of stuff for us to eat. He also does other stuff too, but that's between him and Benson. Mikey's like our mini manager.

Anyway, Gerard was shocked to see Mikey there. I think he may have even been a little jealous that I've been sharing this part of my life with his little brother. But still, he went and asked Mikey what he could do to help while I got my stuff set up.

I'm getting my cables all hooked up when Jenny kicks my leg lightly. At first I don't even look up and just ask her what. She goes, "who is that?" but the way she said it, I had to stop and look. I stand back up beside her and asked who. She elbows me in the side and says, "Him! That fucking sexy thing you brought with you that I'd kill to jump." I laughed. I thought she had met Gerard before. I just told her Mikey's brother.

I went back to plugging shit up, just letting her make the connection for herself. Apparently she's not always smart. She calls Mikey over then and kicks him hard in the shin. "You little fucker!" she whisper-screamed at him. "You have two brothers?!" Mikey rubs his leg, looking confused, and I just laugh again. "Um, no. Just the one." Jenny then kicks me in my ass, knocking me into the amp I'm working on. "That's Gerard, isn't it, you little shit." she actually states instead of asking.

I stood back up beside her and congratulated her on figuring it out. She goes, "Wow, Frankie. He's hot! You get to fuck that?!" About that time, Mikey decides it's time for him to leave that conversation, mumbling "Ew! That's my brother!" Gerard looks up right then. I waved, and he winked back. I thought Jenny was going to drool on herself. Well, she's met him now.

We started rehearsing, and I knew Gerard was watching me. It was almost nerve wracking. He's never seen me play like this before, and he's certainly never heard me sing anything. But every time I looked at him, he had this stupid grin on his face and a look in his eyes that said he could eat me alive.

Gerard helped Mikey put out stuff to make sub sandwiches with as we winded down. I hadn't even gotten my guitar strap off before Gerard kisses me hard. Mikey goes, "Oh c'mon, guys!" and James goes, "What?! You do it with Alicia when she's here!" But that aside, I knew Gerard liked what he heard from the band.

The sun was starting to set by the time we climbed in the car to head home. The trip was quiet and comfortable, like everything was perfect. Gerard and I were holding hands. I knew when he was thinking about me because he would unintentionally squeeze my hand a little tighter.

As I let my thoughts go, I began feeling sad. This was like a perfect day before I found out about Gerard's addiction. He hid it so well that I hadn't thought about it since he took some before breakfast this morning.

"I want to come to the show," Gerard said, breaking the silence. I told him James hadn't hammered out all the details yet. "But when he does, I can go, right? I don't want to miss your first show, Frankie." He wasn't going to give up, and part of me was grateful because I want him there too. I told him I would think about it, and he asked me what there was to think about.

I didn't mean to snap at him, Journal, I swear! I mean, his only logic was that he wanted to support his boyfriend's art. Once again, I was having to look at everything else.

"Drugs, Gerard! Alcohol! People I don't know and not being able to watch you every second! That's what there is to think about, Gerard!" He looked like I had just slapped him, and I instantly regretted it. You could hear the pieces of his heart falling apart when he softly said, "Then I'll just stop again."

I had to pull the car over. I needed to talk this out with him, and I couldn't do that driving down the road. I took his hand in both of mine and made him look at me. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes. I apologized for snapping. He just nodded his head. I told him he can't just stop cold turkey again, that last time I found him in the bathroom with Mikey puking up his guts and near death. "So what do I do?" he asked.

I thought about it for a long minute. I knew Mikey was probably going to be pissed at me, but damn it, I did what felt right to me. I told Gerard the truth. I told him that Mom was working on getting him an appointment with a drug counselor. I told him that it wasn't an inpatient program and that I would be there with him every step of the way. Gerard just kept his eyes on mine listening to every word I had to say. I told him that this counselor isn't a rehab program in the traditional sense, but if Gerard dedicated himself to the program, slowly but surely he could wean himself off the pills and that it would help build back the trust he has lost.

Gerard looked down, clearly thinking about what I had just said. When he looked back up at me, a single tear slid down his cheek. He asked me, "If I do this, I can come to your show?" I leaned across the car and pulled him into a tight hug. I said, "I want you to do this for you, Gerard. But yes, if you really and truly try to follow the program and show me that you mean it, you can come to ALL of my shows."

Gerard nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck. "I'm scared, Frankie," he whispered. I held him closer and told him I know he is. I told him I am too but that no matter what, through hail, high water, and famine, I would be right beside him doing whatever he needed me to do.

Gerard took a shaky breath. I just gave him the time he needed and braced myself in case he said no. With his head still tucked up against me, he slowly started nodding yes before he finally breathed, "Okay."

I couldn't hold it back. I pulled his face to mine and kissed him with all of the things I was feeling right then. Joyful tears ran down my face as I clutched Gerard to my chest under the rare stars of the nighttime Jersey sky.

When we finally got home, Gerard excuse himself to the bathroom again, and this time, it didn't bother me. I leaned over the sofa and told Mikey to call Mom and tell her to get the first appointment she could for Gerard. Mikey looked up at me from his movie, his mouth hanging open. All I said to him was "Gerard agreed to go," before I headed towards our room.

I snuggled in to Gerard's side and watched him use one of his new pens for a while. I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him. After a while, Gerard kissed me and said he was too sleepy to stay up any longer. I think he was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

I hope he can stay on track, Journal. I hope that together we can close the book on this chapter of our lives together. I just love him so much that it hurts me to see him like this, Journal! But I want to see him get better because he wants to do it, not because I want him to.

I'm watching him sleep now, listening to those soft snores of his. Do you know of a word stronger than love, Journal? If you do, that's how I feel about Gerard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing, obviously. I spent all of yesterday reading this from the very beginning, and it renewed my love for these characters. I really do love writing Frank's journal; there's something very therapeutic about. 
> 
> I'm not going to make any grand statements here. Too many times I have thought I was going to start posting chapters again regularly and had life break my promise for me. For now my only promise to you, my readers, is this: no matter how long it takes me, I will finish this story; I won't abandon it. 
> 
> To those of you still reading along, my deepest thanks! You are one of the reasons I keep writing! I love you all!  
> xo Miz


	57. May 16, 2000

Dear Journal,

Gerard had his first therapy session today with his new rehab counselor. Well, we all did really. He was supposed to bring everyone that would be involved in his rehab with him. Mom, Dad, Mikey, and I went with him. At first it was a little awkward. Nobody wanted to point fingers, so we all just kept saying we wanted to help Gerard get better. Finally Brian, the new counselor guy, says that no one is helping by brushing everything under the rug.

That started Gerard going. He said he wanted to go first so that nobody else had to. Then he said he’s been taking pills since before he graduated high school. Things picked up in college with the stress it brought with it. He thought after he adjusted to college he would be able to stop. But he couldn’t. It only got worse.

Mom stepped in then and said to everyone what she told me that time, that she can tell how Gerard’s life is going by how many pills he takes. Gerard sat with his head down chewing on his thumbnail. I think what Mom said hit him really hard because when he finally looked back up again, he had tears in his eyes and said, “I knew you knew but I didn’t know that you know how many pills I was going through.”

Now Dad wasn’t holding back when he finally spoke. He said, “Gerard, we know when you’re high. We all can tell the difference between someone who’s high and someone who’s not. Can we give a number to how many you take? No. I doubt I’m even in the ballpark. But when you’re high all the time, you’re obviously taking more than before. Don’t play stupid.”

Well, Brian didn’t care for that last part. He said that no one needed to make judgmental statements. Facts only. Mikey said, “I have a fact.” Everyone looked at him. Mikey was the only one I think no one expected to talk. And what he said broke even my heart. “I miss my brother. There are times I needed you to be my big brother, but instead I was taking care of you.”

Now Gerard is crying. Well, he’s super silent about it, but he has big, fat tears running down his cheeks. But Mikey keeps going. “I want Frank to know just how awesome his boyfriend is. I want him to know the Gerard I know, the Gerard that you tried to be when you first started dating Frankie.”

“I tried to quit for him!” Gerard cried out. “Mikey you know I have! I tried to quit before he found out. I tried to quit when he found out. I’ve made myself sick trying to quit for Frank! I worry every single day that he’s going to finally have enough of me and my fucked up problems and leave me!” And then Gerard broke down completely.

I didn’t hesitate. I was pulling his shaking form into my chest before he let out his first loud cry. I just rocked him for a few minutes, stroking his hair and shushing him. After he managed to quiet himself to just whimpers, I hid my face in his hair and told him where no one else could hear me. “I’m still here, Gerard. I’m not leaving you. Not over this. If I were going to leave, I’d have left already. I love you, Gerard.”

When Gerard clutched me tighter like he was fighting for his life, which I guess is probably more accurate than I care to believe, Brian asked me what I had said to him. I told him that I simply told Gerard that if I was going to leave, I’d have left already.

After that, Gerard was able to pull himself together for the most part. Brian said he felt like that was enough sharing for our first visit. Then he laid out how this works. Gerard has to go see him twice a week. If he feels up to bringing anyone with him or if someone feels the need to come, anyone is welcome any time, but we have a family meeting every two to three weeks. At least to start anyway. And as for Gerard’s pills, Mikey gave them all to Brian. Or at least Gerard said it was all of them. Never trust a drug addict about his drugs. Brian said he is giving Gerard prescriptions for some other meds that will help him with withdrawal, so basically Gerard is getting new drugs that we can control. And by we I literally mean all of us. Once Gerard is switched to the new meds and adjusted to them, Brian will start tapering him off of them.

Then Brian said something I wish he hadn’t said in front of Gerard. “More than likely, Gerard will slip up and take Xanax again before this is over. And probably more than once.” Isn’t that just giving Gerard a pass to say, “I got high. Sorry.”? But I think I know why he said it in front of him, so that that Gerard knows it’s okay to fall down because the next thing Brian said was that when it happens, Gerard is supposed to be honest about it, about why and how and everything.

This is far from the entire two hour session, but these are the highlights I thought were important. I have an appointment next week to go and see Brian with Gerard. Brian asked Gerard if it was okay, and Gerard said he’d like that. I’m kind of anxious about it myself, but I don’t know why. I guess I just don’t want to hurt Gerard any more than I have. But I’m going to be honest.

I’ll let you know how it goes, Journal. Bye for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't been around much lately. But I'm about to have my first novelette published and up for sale. Yey!
> 
> To everyone who come back to read this new chapter, THANK YOU for reading!!
> 
> My love and hugs!  
> xo Miz


	58. May 25, 2000

God, Journal! I have so much to tell you! Okay, you're right. I'm just so excited that it feels like I have a lot to say.

So I went to Gerard's appointment with him. It was very personal. We talked a lot about our relationship. Brian asked a lot of questions. Most of it pertained to how Gerard's drug use affected our relationship.

We talked about some bad things, like when Gerard nearly raped me two months ago. That was really hard to talk about and frankly I tried not to. Gerard brought it up. I didn't realize how guilty he still feels about that night. Of course, Brian took a keen interest in that.

He asked Gerard if that was something he'd be willing to talk about in private, and Gerard agreed he would. I'm hoping Brian can help Gerard with that. Between Bert and Belleville Asylum, I think that's where most of Gerard's issues lie.

We also talked about some good things, like Gerard's art lessons he gives me. I don't think he knew how much those moments mean to me. He was glowing with pride as I told Brian about them.

I told Brian that each one is unique and therefore quite special and how each one, from the very first one, seems so intimate and almost magical. I told Brian what I told you, how art just seems to be as natural as breathing to Gerard.

But towards the end, things got really intense. Brian asked us to each describe our feelings about each other. Gerard said I am the best person he's ever met and that he would die for me. Well, he said it much more eloquently than I can, and I can't remember how he worded it exactly because I was so emotional just listening to him talk about his feelings towards me. But he brought me to a realization, one I'm sure you already knew, Journal.

I started trying to express my love for Gerard. I told Brian that love isn't a strong enough word. That like Gerard, I'd give my life for him. That if I could, I'd take away his pain and keep it as my own. And here is my epiphany, Journal. I told Brian that I wanted to share our lives together. I turned to look at Gerard and I told him, "I want to marry you, for better or worse. I want us to be one."

I mean that, Journal! I want a stupid piece of paper that declares us spouses. I want to wear his ring. Hell, I want to birth his children! Just kidding on that last one. But in all seriousness, I realized that is what I've been trying to tell you for so long, Journal.

Brian suggested we have a wedding. He said that just because we can't be legally married shouldn't stop us from making that commitment to each other. I really like that idea. Nothing big or anything. Just a small ceremony for us and our family is all I want. And I think Gerard's game. He just listened with a small grin on his lips, and when we were done talking about, he kissed me really softly. It was an amazing moment!

Here's hoping for a small, unofficial wedding in the near future!

So in other news, James kind of got us a gig! We have a couple of months, but to secure it, all we have to do is have five completed songs to play. We already have three! And almost four. I know, right?! This is awesome news! Not as good as Gerard getting clean by a long shot, but it's still pretty damn exciting!

All of us are stoked about it. And Mikey is our official Merch guy! Everyone in the band agreed that he's perfect for the job. Now all we need is some shit to sell. At practice yesterday, we agreed we'd get some shirts made, make some buttons ourselves, and have some copies of our CD burned. Now we just need some kind of leaflet to put in it. I think Mikey is secretly working on that part though. He's been asking us a bunch of weird stuff and working on the computer a lot.

And with as well as Gerard is doing and provided he keeps it up, I'm so excited to have him by my side for it all! I'm trusting he's going to keep being open and honest in his sessions with Brian. We all get one backstage pass, and of course mine is going to Gerard.

Unfortunately Mikey can't come backstage since he's manning the merch table, but Alicia is trying to convince her parents to let her help Mikey. I don't think they'll mind though. Her parents are pretty cool about letting her go to concerts and this isn't a big one anyway.

Yeah, yeah, Journal. We did more talking than playing at yesterday's practice. I know. And now I'm doing more writing than practicing. I better go now. I'll keep you updated, Journal! Bye!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know updates are really slow coming. Thank you all so much for continuing to wait for and read them. 
> 
> My love!  
> xo Miz


	59. June 11, 2000

Dear Journal,

Today sucked. First I had idiot customers all day at work asking me to find things they were staring right at. Or either they were looking for an author and couldn't find them in an alphabetized order. Duh. B comes after A. C comes after B. If you're looking for an author whose last name starts with G, I'd suggest looking between the F and the H. Unless someone changed the alphabet on me.

Second, Mikey is sick. I mean like dog sick. He's hacking and coughing everywhere, and the last thing we need is a cold going around the house. After work I went to the store and bought hand sanitizer, sanitizing spray, tissues, and cough syrup. Everyone had better damn sure use the shit.

Third is my car. It broke down on the way home from the store. I had to walk home in the rain. I was drenched, I'm talking soaked to the bone, dripping wet when I got home. And all I wanted to do was dry off and snuggle up to my wonderful boyfriend. Which leads me to the last thing.

Gerard was high when I got home. I was mad! Not so much that he took a Xanax. He's been doing good, but he was bound to fall off the wagon sooner or later. And it could have been a lot worse. He only took one. So he says. But he was still coherent, so I believe him. No, I was mad because my plans were ruined. I ended up microwaving TV dinners for everyone.

It seems like sometimes I'm the only person in the house that takes any responsibility for anything. Mikey and Gerard help sometimes, but I'm the only one that seems to cook or clean or anything else when the others can't.

Yes, Journal, I'm just pissy today. Fuck off. I'm allowed to have a bad day too. It's hard to be mad though when Gerard is snoring so softly beside me. I think I'm going to snuggle up and go to sleep with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything isn't roses forever. Luckily, it's just one bad day.
> 
> Updates might be coming more frequently again, but I make no promises.
> 
> xo Miz


	60. June 28, 2000

It was a really crappy day yesterday, Journal. And it all has to do with Gerard’s therapy appointment. Brian asked what Gerard felt like talking about yesterday. Gerard said he didn’t know, so Brian asked if they could talk about Bert. Gerard said they could as long as I could sit in with them. Brian was hesitant, but he agreed.  
  
All we really did was skim the surface, but it was a start to getting Gerard to open up and talk about what happened to him.  
  
Bert was extremely controlling. He controlled what Gerard did, what he ate, how he behaved, what he wore, where Gerard went, everything. As time passed, Bert grew jealous of the happiness Gerard got from being with his friends, so he stopped allowing Gerard to see them. He wanted to force Gerard to be that happy with him. The only people he continued to let be in Gerard’s life were his family, but he threatened Gerard’s life if he mentioned the way he was being treated to anyone.  
  
Of course, those are my words. Gerard make Bert sound … I don’t know. Gerard still sounded scared of the guy and like he was making excuses for him. I don’t think there is one. The guy is a grade A asshole in my opinion. But trying to look at it through Gerard’s eyes, I guess I kind of understand. I mean, if Bert would have backed off and just treated Gerard like a person, he would have seen the wonderful man I’m in love with. Gerard would have loved Bert the way Bert wanted to be loved by Gerard. Gerard is so giving and patient and caring and understanding. Bert could have had all of that if he hadn’t have held on to Gerard so tightly.  
  
And then the raping started. Gerard refused to have sex with Bert. He didn’t do it out of spite for the way he was being treated. He was scared. It was his first time. After several attempts in vain, Bert introduced Gerard to Xanax. And that led to the first time Bert raped Gerard. We all know how that went.  
  
Eventually Bert figured out he could control Gerard more easily on Xanax so he kept feeding him a steady diet of pills. I don’t know why Gerard kept taking them. He told Brian it was because it made things easier to deal with.  
  
Over time, the rapes got worse. Xanax no longer helped Gerard deal with the emotional turmoil he was in. He started begging Bert not to do it, and Bert would respond violently. Bert would hit him. He would fuck Gerard with no lube. He would force Gerard to take his entire length down his throat until he came, despite the fact that it made Gerard throw up several time in the process. He would rip out Gerard’s hair by using it as hand holds while he fucked Gerard’s face. Basically Bert was merciless with Gerard.  
  
There was a long pause between Gerard talking about all the different things Bert did to him and Brian asking how things managed to come to an end. Gerard reached out and took my hand in his, and I knew he needed the same support he had given me times before. A tear slid down his cheek, and Gerard squeezed my hand tightly.  
  
He said it was a Saturday. He had begun to realize his relationship with Bert was unhealthy and told Bert he wanted it to end. He told Bert that he would be gone when Bert go home from work. Bert’s response was a punch to the face. While Gerard was laying on the floor, Bert climbed over him and forced multiple Xanax down Gerard’s throat. Gerard said he didn’t know how many. He just remembered the pain as Bert kept his mouth forced open and shoved his fingers down his throat several times like someone giving a dog a pill. After that, Bert dragged Gerard to the bedroom and stripped him down to nothing. He quickly tied Gerard up, tossing him on the bed haphazardly when he was done. Bert landed a few more blows to Gerard, taking the wind out of him and causing his nose to bleed.  
  
When Bert was finally done, he leaned over and spat in Gerard’s face, “We’ll see if you’re gone when I get home!” And then he just left Gerard there like that. Gerard said he let the Xanax take over then. He knew there was no escape and that Bert wasn’t going to play nice when he got back home, so he figured the best thing to do would be to be ready for Bert’s return.  
  
Gerard said the next thing he remembered was being drug out of the bed, still naked and tied up, by the hair of his head. Bert was screaming at him about pissing the bed while he was gone. Then Bert started kicking Gerard as hard as he could. Once Gerard was a crumbled bleeding mass on the floor, Bert undid the fly of his pants. Gerard sneered at this point in the story, “He didn’t even have the decency to take his clothes off.” Right there on the floor, Bert thrust into Gerard with no lube, tearing the tender tissue of Gerard’s asshole. Bert fucked him hard, only seeking to please himself.  
  
Gerard said when Bert was done, he untied him and told Gerard to go clean himself up. Blood ran down the insides of his thighs and each step made his whole body tense. But he didn’t do as he was told. Bert was already dozing off, probably from a combination of physical exhaustion and drugs, so Gerard dressed himself in the bathroom, not bothering to clean up. Then Gerard walked right out the front door, got into his car, and drove to Mom and Dad’s.  
  
When Dad opened the door, Gerard said he collapsed into his arms. Pain wracked his body, and the Xanax still had his mind in a fog. He woke up a few hours later in his old room, the room I know in the basement, and he could hear his father yelling at someone. His father was threatening someone. He listened harder and realized Bert was there trying to take Gerard “back home.” Dad yelled, “He IS home now, you mother fucker. And if I catch you anywhere near him again, I’ll blow your fucking head off. If you in any way ever try to contact him again, I’ll blow your fucking head off. Am I clear?” Gerard said he had never and since then has never heard his father talk in such a way. To be honest, I can’t imagine Dad speaking like that to anyone.  
  
But that’s how things with Bert ended.  
  
I know that seems like more than just skimming the surface, but we didn’t go into how it made and still makes Gerard feel. Brian and I didn’t ask any questions for the most part. Well, I didn’t ask any at all. I was simply there to support Gerard. But Brian would occasionally ask Gerard to clarify something. Mostly we just let Gerard tell as much or as little detail as he wanted about things.  
  
The ride home was really quiet. Walking up to the house, Gerard again took my hand in his. He led me to the bedroom where we laid down on the bed facing each other. Gerard was holding both of my hands like he was afraid I’d slip away like sand through his fingers. For a long time, we just stayed like that, looking at each other. I heard Mikey come in from work, but neither of us moved to greet him. Gerard opened his mouth to say something, and his lower lip quivered. It was only then that I noticed that he was on the verge of tears. I put my hand to his cheek and asked him what was wrong. I figured it was old memories or just the fact we talked about it today. I never expected what he asked me. “Do you still love me, Frankie, now that you know what I … what I let him do to me?” I told him of course I love him still and that he didn’t let Bert do anything to him, that Bert had done that to Gerard without permission.  
  
We lay there a few minutes longer with me stroking his cheek and Gerard looking a bit more content. “Help me forget these bad memories tonight. Make love to me, Frankie.” I nodded, and we started taking each other’s clothes off slowly, reverently. If Gerard wanted love tonight, I was determined to make it happen. And it all happened so naturally. Gerard laid down on the bed and spread his legs, so I slowly prepped him. I ran my fingers over his prostate, and Gerard let out a soft, guttural sound. When he started pushing up against my fingers, I knew he was ready. I climbed over him and pushed my full length into his body. “Oh, Frankie,” he breathed out.  
  
Our bodies moved together leisurely, as if we were dancing to the rhythm of a silent, slow love ballad. I leaned down and kissed him and then kissed a trail to his ear, nibbling on his earlobe. I felt Gerard run his hands down my back and cup my asscheeks. But it wasn’t in a raunchy, perverted way. It was like he was trying to pull me in closer to him.  
  
We never said a word to each other. We didn’t have to. We were connected on a spiritual level, almost religious, tantric. Our bodies just innately took care of the other’s needs and desires. It was almost enough to change my mind about the existence of some supreme being in the sky. For a moment, we were the only two people on Earth and that moment was perfect.  
  
We climaxed at almost the same time. As I lay on Gerard’s chest listening to him breath, the sounds from outside the bedroom began coming in again. Mikey watching TV. The birds chirping. The cars going down the street. The world was quick to want to take our moment from us. I climbed off Gerard and looked down at him. He was crying silently. I asked him what was wrong as I wiped his tears away. He said nothing, that everything was just right. The last thing he said to me last night was this: “I never needed Xanax. I just needed you, Frankie.”  
  
But there was nothing to be said after that anyway. We both know we love each other. And even though it was still early, we turned out the light and snuggled into bed together. Gerard had had a long day. We both had. And quickly we were asleep curled up together in a place that Bert could never poison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had been struggling to write a decent chapter for this for weeks. Every idea I had just wan't good enough to get my fingers to the keyboard. While listening to some music yesterday, I realized it would be a great time to shed some light on how and why Gerard is going through this addiction. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thanks for your patience!!  
> All my love!  
> xo Miz
> 
> (PS-Please, please comment!! I need to know you guys are still out there reading this! Thank you!)


	61. June 30, 2000

Oh my god, Journal! I have my angry music blaring. Mikey and Gerard are both at work and I’m just sitting here in the bedroom alone occasionally rattling a bottle of Gerard’s Xanax. And why am I doing that? I’ll tell you why. Because this bottle holds all the answers to all the questions I have and is also the closest I can get to the source of my anger. The source of my anger, just so you know, is this Bert asshole.  
  
Have you ever wished you could unknow something, Journal? Just wash it from your mind with a bar of soap or better yet a scouring pad? All of a sudden all I can do is see Gerard as a victim. I want to give in to his every whim and treat him like a broken eggshell. I want let him have his addiction because god damn if he doesn’t deserve to be to be screwed up after what that guy did to him!  
  
What I really want is five minutes alone with this asshole. Really?! He thinks it’s okay to treat someone as amazing as Gerard like shit?! He thinks it’s okay to ruin Gerard’s life by forcing Gerard to become a druggie?! I’ll be happy to return the favor. I can think of a dozen ways to ruin his life. The front runner and by far my favorite is to cut his fucking balls off! Sodomize the asshole with a nice sized steak knife is running a close second. I would just hold him down and force pills down his throat and tie him up for a while to piss hisself, but he might like that.  
  
I mean, where did he think he got the right to treat Gerard that way? Seriously, Journal, why would he think his behavior was okay? Gerard makes excuses for him. He was afraid of Gerard leaving. Well, what right minded individual wouldn’t leave that asshole? Even Gerard found a way out of that mess. He was a mess and miserable, and misery likes company. Uh-huh. Since when did your boyfriend begging for his life constitute company?! And worst of all, “it was all my fault because I didn’t make him happy.” Just what. The. Ever loving. Fuck. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I didn’t realize it was Gerard’s responsibility to please his boyfriend, myself included! My happiness is my own responsibility, not Gerard’s. It’s not anyone’s responsibility except my own. It’s not my responsibility to ensure Gerard’s happiness. Happiness is something that comes from deep inside of you. It can’t be bought. It can’t be injected, swallowed, given, nothing.  
  
Asshole cared nothing about Gerard’s happiness, that’s for damn sure. Instead, he managed to kill every drop of happiness Gerard had. Even now, Gerard struggles to find happiness. He looks for validation from outside sources. He needs people to give him permission to be happy.  
  
Well, fine. If Gerard needs permission, I’ll give it to him. Every minute of every day. If he needs it second by second, I’ll give it to him. Gerard is such a beautiful person. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to have the self esteem of an athlete or celebrity or God. Look at all he has done for me! Look at what he has accomplished despite what he’s been through. Look at the fact that he’s still fighting to hold on! He’s slowly trying to claw and dig and crawl his way out of the mire to come back from the abuse he took. He shouldn’t have to! Gerard is loving and giving to a fault! He’s precious and special! He’s fucking Gerard!!  
  
Show me one person that would do for me what Gerard has done. Okay, maybe Mikey, but there are some things that Mikey just can’t help me with. Like standing up to those who condemn me for being gay. And art lessons. Those are uniquely Gerard.  
  
Asshole did Gerard no favors. All he did was damage something beautiful. But even under all that damage, I can still see Gerard’s splendor shining through. And so can Mikey, Alicia, Mom, Dad, all the guys in the band, random people on the street, and most importantly Brian. Brian is doing his best to bang out all of the dents Asshole made in Gerard.  
  
There’s no question about it now. Gerard’s addiction is rooted in that abuse. The problem is that even though the abuse is over, the damage is done. Gerard is addicted to killing his pain with Xanax.  
  
I hate Bert! I HATE HIM!! I hope that there is a Hell just so there can be a special place in it for him! He deserves nothing less than eternal torment.  
  
I’m so angry, Journal. I’m just so angry I feel like crying and screaming at the same time! I can’t imagine how Gerard feels. I try to, but I can’t imagine anything worse than how I feel. Just knowing what happened to him grieves me to my very core. And just writing this, my pulse is up and my breathing is hard and rapid. I can see how easy it would be to just take one of these Xanax and just chill the fuck out.  
  
Help me, Journal! Help me be strong when Gerard gets home from work. Help me to cool down this hate and anger I have in my heart. But most of all, help me help Gerard. Because I can’t help him like this. I can’t help him when I wound up as tight as a spring. Please, Journal, HELP ME!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure what to say. I kept trying to brush this chapter under the rug. I didn't want to write it, but it kept coming back to me over and over.
> 
> Reactions? Anyone?
> 
> xo Miz
> 
> (PS-Thank you to all of you who commented on the last chapter! I promise I read each and every comment, and I hope to answer them all in the coming couple of days.)


	62. July 3, 2000

July 3, 2000

I'm so exhausted, Journal. I only got a few minutes of sleep every couple of hours last night. And that was only because I would doze off when my body just couldn't take anymore. Yes, I hear you, Journal. I should have just slept, but I just couldn't. I know you'll understand me though. 

Gerard was bad off last night. He came home from work Friday complaining he didn't feel good. I mean, I wasn't happy he didn't feel good, but it was a needed distraction from thinking about Bert. I tried to get him to eat, but he wouldn't let me cook anything for him. It was still early in the evening, but we went to stretch out on the bed anyway. Well, Gerard laid down. I sat beside him rubbing his back until he fell asleep. For the longest time, I just sat there watching him sleep. Ever since Brian put him on this new medicine, Gerard hasn't really slept all that well. Eventually I just cut the light off and snuggled up close to him. 

When I woke up the next morning, Gerard was still asleep. I carefully crawled out of bed so I wouldn't disturb him. I trudged into the kitchen to make coffee, only to find Mikey was already doing it. He said, "you two turned in early last night." I told him that Gerard had been feeling bad. We made our cups of coffee, and both of us went to settle into the sofa to watch some tv. 

A little later, I heard movement in the bedroom. As I got up, Mikey told me to let him know if we needed anything. Gerard was cussing under his breath and digging through his art desk when I walked in. I crossed the room and put my hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at me, and the first thing I noticed was that he looked like death warmed over. Right as our eyes met, tears streamed down his face. "I can't find it!" I asked him what he was looking for, but he turned back to the desk, digging through a different drawer. "I can't find it, Frankie. It was here, I know it was. Where did it go?!" he mumbled over and over. At first I thought he might have been looking for a bottle of pills, the one I had the other day, but I noticed he kept stopping to look at each notepad before tossing it in the floor and moving on. 

I finally squeezed myself between him and the desk, and I took hold of his hands in mine. He looked broken and terrified. I lifted his hands and lightly kissed them then said, "If you tell me what you're looking for, I can help you find it, baby. Just tell me what it is that's missing." His voice was so small. "My life book, Frankie. It's leather and dark blue. Grandma got it for me. She got it when I started college. It's my life book!" I tried to hug him and tell him we'd find it, but he pulled away and started climbing under the bed. 

I had no idea what he was talking about. I'd never seen him with a blue leather book before, and he had never mentioned it either. I quickly ran out to the living room and asked Mikey if he knew what Gerard was talking about. Mikey looked confused, and he said, "I can't believe he still has that thing. Yeah, it's a leather bound sketch book Grandma bought him years ago. He draws personal stuff in it, like memories and stuff, so he keeps it hidden. Why?" I told him because Gerard was currently tearing our room apart looking for it, and I was pretty sure if it wasn't found soon, Gerard was going to have a complete breakdown. "Come on," Mikey said, and I followed him back to my room. 

Luckily Gerard hadn't totally trashed the place before we got back in there. He was standing motionless in the middle of the floor staring blankly at the wall. Mikey moved toward Gerard slowly and whispered, "he keeps it somewhere personal, so start there," to me. I tried to think of someplace Gerard would hide a book, but I was struggling to focus. I looked over, and Mikey had managed to get Gerard's attention. 

I checked Gerard's desk again. Nothing. In his nightstand. Nothing. I looked through the books on the bookshelves. Nothing. A few boxes that had never been unpacked stacked in the closet. No book. I finally thought, maybe he took it to a different room. Mikey had gotten Gerard to calm down some, so I ran down the hall to the living room. I stood still for only moment before I noticed his work bag that he keeps the drawings and stuff from work in. It was laying against the wall next to the front door. He usually keeps it next to his desk in the bedroom. It felt wrong to go through it, but I couldn't risk asking him to go through it and upsetting him again if it wasn't in there. I carefully opened the satchel and used a single finger to flip through the stacks of papers and comic books. I was about to close it when I saw another, smaller compartment in the back. When I peeked in, there was a dark blue, leather book. 

I pulled it out and turned it over in my hands. Stamped on the front cover in silver letters, it read, "The Private Collection of" and in larger letters below was "Gerard A. Way." I didn't even bother to close his bag back up. I raced back to the bedroom. 

I guess Gerard heard me coming. He was watching the doorway hopefully. I held up the book and asked, "is this it?" Simultaneously Gerard took the book with one hand and pulled me in for a kiss with the other. "I'm glad you found it and not me," Mikey said as he walked past us to leave. 

As soon as Gerard broke the kiss, he was back in his own world again. He grabbed a few pencils off his desk and then settled down on the bed. I was curious what was in his book, but I didn't want to spy. After all, I had only learned of it a few minutes ago. Obviously, it was private, and I know I would feel betrayed if someone, even Gerard, read you without my permission. Instead, I picked out a book, settling in next to Gerard before opening it. Shortly after, I heard Mikey leave for work. 

For hours, Gerard just sat there drawing in his book. After every couple of pages I read, I'd glance up at him. He just seemed off. It wasn't like he was high. It was more like he was in a trance. As the hours drug on, he grew paler and paler. I kept asking him if he was okay, but he never answered. It was as if he couldn't hear me. 

All of a sudden, he jumped up in a panic, his eyes really wide, and ran for the bathroom. I followed him. As soon as I reached the door, I saw him collapse in front of the toilet. He tried to throw up, but all he could do was dry heave. I noticed he looked flush, but I just assumed it was from gagging while hanging over the toilet. I tried to help him back to the bedroom, but he just laid down on the floor right in the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. Was it withdrawals? Was he sick? Did he eat something bad? I finally sat down and put his head in my lap and just ran my fingers through his hair until I heard Mikey come in from work. I yelled for him to help me. By then, Gerard was so asleep, my being loud didn't even bother him. 

Mikey came in there, and I told him I didn't know what was wrong. He tried to wake Gerard up, but Gerard didn't move. Mikey and I exchanged worried glances. This time I tried waking Gerard up, shaking him harder than Mikey did. He made a muffled sound in the back of his throat, and finally, FINALLY, he opened his eyes a little bit. I called his name, but he acted like he wanted to shut his eyes again. By this point, a panic was growing in my gut. I shook him even harder, calling his name again. This time his eyes opened enough that it looked like he had focused on me. 

"Babe, can you get up?" Gerard nodded languidly. Slowly he slid his hands across the floor, but he didn't seem to have the strength to push himself up into a sitting position. Instead, he rolled onto his stomach and managed to get onto his hands and knees. From there, Mikey got one side and I got the other. It took us at least 15 minutes to get him upright and back to the bed. 

I turned to Mikey and said, "I think he needs to go to the hospital, Mikes. There's something seriously wrong." I felt a tickle on my palm and looked down. Gerard was trying to get his hand into mine. I laced our fingers, squeezing his hand, and he ever so lightly pulled on my arm. I knelt down beside the bed. "Please, Frankie. Don't make me go. I didn't take anything. I swear, Frankie." A tear ran down his pallid cheek. "I don't want to go back there." 

I smiled at him my best smile, which was weak at best, and brushed my fingers over his cheek. "Sweetheart, I don't mean rehab. You're really sick! You need a doctor." Gerard turned his head away from me. I knew he was crying. Mikey said he was going to call Mom and Dad. I slid into bed beside Gerard and waited. I didn't even know what I was waiting for. Gerard was already asleep again, tear streaks still wet on his face. 

Less than five minutes past before Mom came in our room faster than I had ever seen her move. "He won't go to the hospital. I'm really scared, Mom. What do we do?" She put her hand to his forehead then frowned. "He's feverish. I'm calling the paramedics," she stated in a tone I knew meant not to argue with her. I clung to Gerard's hand, holding it tightly to my chest. 

Time no longer had any value. Before I knew what was happening, two EMTs were in our room. One was trying to wake him up while the other one took his blood pressure and stuck three sticky things to his chest, connecting wires to them afterwards. Gerard seemed completely lifeless. "His vitals are stable," the second guy said. "What's his name?" the other one asked me. I looked up from Gerard for a second to answer and saw Mom talking to a female paramedic in the doorway. 

The first guy started calling Gerard's name and then rubbed the middle of Gerard's chest with his knuckles. Gerard drew in a sharp, ragged breath, his eyes flying open. He looked around the room, finally settling his gaze on me. "I'm sorry, baby! Mom called them," I whimpered. A hint of smile crossed his lips, and I was filled with a dozen emotions all at once. The first EMT called his name again, and Gerard rolled his head to look at him. 

"Hey, buddy. Do you think you can answer some questions for me?" Gerard stated flatly that he wasn't going to any hospital. "Okay," the guy said sympathetically, "but I need you to answer a few questions for me, so I can determine if you're fit enough to make that decision." Gerard nodded his head. I laced my fingers with his while the guy started asking Gerard questions. Gerard knew where he was and when it was. He told them what he had told me, that he hadn't taken anything other than his prescription today. The guy asked when was the last time Gerard had taken Xanax. Gerard said almost a month ago. Finally the guy said, "Okay, buddy, one more question and I'll leave you alone. Do you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else?" Gerard hesitated, and my heart skipped a beat until I realized that Gerard was simply out of energy again. "No," he barely breathed. "Well, I can't make you go with us if you don't want to go. But if you get any worse, you need to call us back and let us get you to a doctor." Gerard nodded again and closed his eyes. The paramedic gave me an apologetic smile, and then both of them gathered their bags and walked out of the room. 

I heard Mom in the living room pleading with them to "just take him anyway." I got up and shut our bedroom door. Gerard had made his decision. It was his life, his call as far as I was concerned. All I could do now was hope that some higher power answered my heart's begging for him to be okay. As I walked back toward the bed, I picked Gerard's sketch book up off the floor where he had dropped it haphazardly before. I flipped it open to take his pencil out of it and stopped dead in my tracks. There was a picture of me with a halo. Under it was written "my personal patron saint, my Frankie" in Gerard's all print handwriting. 

I heard the doorknob rattle, so I closed the book and set it on Gerard's nightstand. I couldn't bring myself to see who it was. I just stared at Gerard. I knew it was Mom though. I could smell that sweet perfume of hers. She put her hand on my shoulder. "Frank, can't you talk some sense into him? He listens to you!" 

I was so torn. I felt Gerard had a right to have a say in all of this, but I didn't want him to die. And he was Mom's son before he was my boyfriend, but I owed it to Gerard to fight for him like he had done for me so many times before. I swallowed hard and shook my head, never taking my eyes off of him. "No, Mom. I tried. If it comes to a point I don't think he's able to make sound decisions -" I choked up and took a deep, shaky breath. "His decision needs to be respected," I forced myself to say. I reached down and brushed a strand of hair off Gerard's face and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Mom closed the door back as she left. Then I nearly fell apart. 

I collapsed on my side of the bed, physically exhausted and emotionally drained, but I couldn't sleep. I simply watched Gerard breathe. The steady rising and falling of his chest were comforting in some way. Time was still lost on me, so I don't know how long had past when Gerard started pouring sweat. It seemed like only minutes had past before he had almost soaked the sheets. Just as quickly, he stopped sweating and started shivering. I knew he was getting worse. This went on in cycles throughout the night. Gerard's body was fighting, but I didn't know how much longer I could just sit by idly. I put my head on his shoulder and began to cry. I begged and pleaded out loud with a god I wasn't even sure existed. 

But someone was listening. Gerard wrapped his arm around me, and I jerked my head up to look at him, tears still falling down my face. The first rays of morning sunlight fell across his face, giving Gerard a little color in his cheeks. A new hope bloomed inside me. "I think it's time I see that doctor now," he said weakly. A new flood of tears welled up in my eyes as I nodded okay and kissed him. Then I ran to tell Mom to call the ambulance again. Fear overtook her worried face, but I told her that he was okay and had agreed to go. 

After that, things were a whirlwind. Uniformed people were in and out of the bedroom. Gerard was moved to a stretcher and loaded up in the back of the ambulance. I rode with him while Mom, Dad, and Mikey followed us. I stroked Gerard's hair and held his hand and kissed his face, assuring him over and over I was right there while they started an IV in his other arm. Sirens blared as the ambulance swerved in and out of traffic, and Gerard's head swayed listlessly with the movement, his eyes barely open. 

When we arrived at the hospital, I was separated from him so they could get him situated. I sat down in a chair in the waiting room. All I could do was put my head down in my hands rubbing circles over my temples. The thought "he's safe now. He's going to be okay," played on repeat in my mind. I didn't hear anyone come in, so I was startled when Mom put her arms around me. I buried my head in her shoulder and just let go of all the emotions and stress that was overwhelming me. I cried out ugly sobs, but I didn't care. Mom rubbed my back and whispered in my ear, "You did good, Frank. He's going to be fine. You did so good." 

I was still getting myself composed when the doctor came in. "He's stable for now. We're running some tests to make sure there's not more going on, but it looks like he's having a bad reaction to the medicine he's taking." I interrupted saying that didn't make sense, that he's been talking it for over a month now. The doctor said, "He's probably been reacting badly to it the whole time, but the withdrawal symptoms were masking it. In essence, he's been fighting it while wounded. His body finally couldn't handle it anymore, so it's trying to shut down to repair itself. The good news is that there's no permanent damage. He just has to discontinue use of it." God, I hate the way doctors talk. Then he asked who Frank was. I raised my hand slightly. "He's been asking for you. If the rest of you can wait a little longer, you can come back soon. Frank, follow me." 

He led me to a small room. I stepped in, and there lay Gerard asleep. A nurse was hanging a large bag of something and connecting it to Gerard's IV with some tubes. "He's pretty dehydrated, so we're giving him some fluids. Plus, it'll help flush all of that medicine out of his system." I nodded my understanding and walked to the side of the bed. "Barring any further complications, he should stay for a 24 hour observation, and then you can take him back home." I knew Gerard wasn't going to allow that to happen, but I kept my mouth shut for the time being. After that, I was left alone with Gerard. I took his hand in mine, closed my eyes, and took a few deep, calming breaths. 

"Please don't make me stay here, Frankie." I looked up to find Gerard watching me. "I won't. I promise." He smiled softly at me, some of the tension in his demeanor fading away, and I put my other hand on his cheek, rubbing my thumb over the crest of his cheekbone. "You just rest now," I told him. "I'll take you home in a little bit." He started to fall asleep but jerked awake just slightly. "I love you," he said before he was out again. I simply leaned over and kissed his head in reply. 

Mom, Dad, and Mikey took turns checking on him since only two people can be back here at once. Brian came in not too long ago. He said that right now until Gerard recovers from this completely, he's going to have to go back on Xanax. I explained to him that Gerard didn't want to stay and that I thought it stemmed from his bad experience at Belleville. Brian said there wasn't any medical justification for making him stay. He said he'd check in on Gerard after the holiday on Wednesday. I thanked him for everything, and he left to make arrangements with the emergency doctors for me to take him home today. Actually, we should be able to leave soon. 

Compared to the ash color of his skin earlier, Gerard has started to get a little color back. He's woke up a couple of times needing to pee. I helped him use a urinal since he's still too weak to get the bathroom or stand in there alone. He seemed embarrassed, but I told him I didn't mind. And really, Journal, I don't mind at all. The rest of the time I have sat here next to his bed holding his hand and watching him sleep. 

Well, I'm going to go for now, Journal. I've been writing to you off and on just to keep my mind occupied. Thank you for listening. I'll keep you posted on how things are going!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been almost a year since I last updated it, but my promise to never abandon this story stands. I think about this fic often. I have simply lost my direction for it. I don't want to post just for the sake of posting because I owe it to you, my characters, and the guys the characters are based on to give it my best. I owe it to myself to write something I'm proud of. 
> 
> So for now, just know that I'm still around in the shadows and will post when I can. 
> 
> With all my love!  
> xo Miz


	63. July 11, 2000

Dear Journal, 

It's been a week since Gerard had to go to the hospital. Brian had a hard time convincing them to let him go home, but he did it. I figured having Gerard back on Xanax would make things a little better. Instead, things are worse. Gerard is fucking grumpy as all Hell because he didn't want to be on the shit, but he can't function without something at this point. 

I only know because we had a nice talk last night. We sat knees to knees on the bed with our hands held to the other's hands just talking about everything. 

He's worried about being on the Xanax again. That I'm not going to trust him. That it's going to get out of control. That he's never going to be able to stop. 

I told him I feel bad that he think he needs to make himself sick to quit for me. I know now this isn't going to be easy or fast, that there isn't a quick fix to this problem. I assured him that he had more than proven himself to me and I trust him as much as I think I can. 

Then he shocked me by talking about Bert. He's sick of Bert ruining his life. He hates that Bert still hold power over him. He called him a son of a bitch when he said he wanted him to die. He said he just wants to be free of all that. I asked him why he thinks Bert still has power, and Gerard just shook his head. I didn't press though. He's slowly opening up to me, and I figure when he's ready, he'll tell me. 

We talked about the show coming up. Gerard promised to be good and stay close to me. But not like in a derogatory way. It was more like he's proud of me and wants to bask in that. I admitted I'm scared shitless. It's one thing to play for a couple of people I know. It's another to play for a room full of strangers that paid to hear good music. Gerard swore it's good music though. 

He made me feel good when he said that he feels about my guitar playing the way I do about his drawing. He wants to play with that kind of ease and natural ability. I didn't know he played at all. He said he hasn't played in a while, but I made him promise to play for me eventually. He did. 

But there's something else, Journal. Something I haven't told anyone. This show are about to play? It feels like a release of tension coming. Just the nerves and jitters plus all the shit with Gerard and everything is all coming to a head, and I really feel like this show is going to be fucking amazing! I can just put everything into it and let it all go in one 30 minute set. 

Of course I'm worried about fucking up, but that's just it, Journal. The song goes on, the show goes on, the world keeps moving. That's a freeing thought! 

So we have some t-shirts and pins and copies of our handful of songs to sell. Mikey is our official merch/PR guy. Alicia is helping with equipment. Mom and Dad promised to be there too. I told them it's going to be loud and crazy, but they said they'll find the “parents’ seating.” They've obviously done this a time or twelve. 

The only thing I really have left to talk about is Gerard. Beyond being grumpy, there's something up with him. He's hiding something. I know he's not cheating on me, and I honestly don't think it's drugs. I just can't figure it out. I wish he would just talk to me. But for now, I'm letting it be. When he's ready, I'm sure he'll say something. 

I'm sorry this is short and just kind of a clusterfuck of thoughts, Journal. It's just how my mind is today. I'll talk to you later. 

Bye, Journal!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is so short, but it's setting up the next few chapters. Something big is about to happen in the guys' lives, and it's going to affect them all. You just have no idea. 
> 
> As always, your patience with the deadly slow updates is greatly appreciated! I love each of you! 
> 
> Hugs and kisses,  
> xo Miz


	64. July 20, 2000

So, Journal, you know how I told you Gerard was hiding something? Well he was. I noticed he had been keeping a tight hold on his phone and stuff like that, but I didn't put it together. 

The night before he left his phone on the nightstand when he went to the bathroom. He did it on purpose I think. It was on and open to his texts. I almost smashed his fucking phone! 

That goddammed son of a bitch Bert has been texting him. And not just texting him. THREATENING him. I'm going to kill the mother fucker. I'm literally going to beat his ass to a bloody fucking pulp. And then I'm going to cut off his balls he doesn't deserve and make him eat them. I swear to god on Mom’s grave, I will end that no good piece of shit twice! 

Gerard tries to fight back, but you can tell he's scared. You can read it between the lines that this mother fucker has a hold over him. But that’s if Gerard even replies. Most of the texts aren't even replied to. 

When Gerard came back in the room and saw me with his phone, he just sat down and lit a cigarette. I asked him how long it's been going on. He didn't try to play dumb. He immediately answered almost two weeks. TWO FUCKING WEEKS, JOURNAL! 

Gerard wouldn't look at me. He just chewed on his nails while staring at the floor. I asked him if Mikey knew. He said no. No one knows he said. Not even Brian. I told him Mikey was going to know. He didn't respond. He just kept counting the carpet fibers. 

Looking back, Journal, that really bothers me. I think he was scared of me. Not because of anything I've done, but just like a residual scared of that asshole kind of scared. 

That's why Gerard has been acting so weird. He's back in that dark place without anything or anyone to help him. Well, I'm going to help him once and for all. I'm going to end this shit for good. 

While Gerard was at work yesterday, I talked to Mikey. He punched the wall and said the same things I did. That’s one dead bitch walking. He just don't know it yet. 

Mikey and I made a plan. We texted him pretending to be Gerard and set up a meeting tomorrow night. With that in place, the rest was easy. Me, Mikey, and Gerard will show up at the park after dark when it's closed. We're going to give that bastard a taste of his own medicine, and once he's submitted, we're going to give Gerard his turn. We are literally going to show Gerard that this monster has no power anymore. 

Gerard doesn't know about any of it. Mikey and I said we aren't going to tell him either. We're just going to go and let Gerard figure it out. I think it'll be easier on Gerard like that. I mean, nothing about this is going to be easy for him, but I don't think him worry about it will help. It'll make it worse for him if anything. 

Wish that bastard luck, Journal. He's going to need it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's another really short chapter, I know. I'm very sorry, but I swear the next chapter is going to be so long and so worth it! Who else is excited about Bert finally getting his just desserts? I am so very much enjoy writing it!
> 
> Hugs and loves to all! Thanks for reading! (Leave me some comments of things you want to see them do to Bert!)
> 
> xo Miz


	65. July 22, 2000

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to one of my most enthusiastic readers, [Pilutta](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Pilutta/pseuds/Pilutta). Thank you for all your quiet but unyielding affection!

Hey, Journal, you ever have a pain that just feels so damn good? Like, it feels… right? My knuckles are bruised and kind of swollen, and I know it’s so wrong, but it just feels so good to make a fist, stretching my sore skin tight. It makes me remember just how great it felt to smash in that smug bastard’s face. Oh yeah, Journal. Last night was the night. Gerard learned he didn’t have to fear that mother fucker any longer because the bitch got his ass whipped.

Yesterday, Mikes and I were anxious as all hell. Gerard knew something was up because he kept asking me if I was okay and if I was mad at him and stuff like that. I wasn't really lying to him when I told him no, but it felt like I was. I was so ready to give that piece of shit what he deserved, and I wanted to tell Gerard so he could prepare himself for what was going to happen. But I knew saying anything to Gerard was a bad idea for a hundred different reasons. 

So when the sun started to set, I told Gerard, “Come on. We're going out for a little bit.” He asked where to, and Mikey said he'd find out when we got there. I could tell Gerard was uneasy. I assured him everything was fine, that we just needed to take care of something. Gerard mumbled okay. 

We all climbed in Mikey’s car. Mikey and I talked about it beforehand and agreed it’d be best if I sat in back with Gerard. Gerard chewed on this thumbnail while he stared out the window. I had been holding his hand, but I let go for a minute as we got close to the park. He turned to look at me, and I dug into my pocket for the bottle of pills I had taken from Gerard’s drawer earlier. I handed him the bottle and told him to take one or even two. He just looked at me. I know it was crazy to him, so I told him, “I know you’re going to need them. Just take at least one, for me.” Gerard looked towards Mikey. I guess Mikey saw him in the rearview because Mikes said, “No one’s going be mad or anything. Just do what Frank says.” I opened the bottle and dumped two in Gerard’s hand. Gerard looked at them like they were poison, but he finally swallowed them down. 

After a minute of chewing on his nail some more, he finally said, “I took them like you asked. So what's going on?” I asked him if he remembered how we told each other we couldn't fix things if we didn't know what they were. He shifted in his seat and then nodded his head. I told him, “Well, I'm fixing it. Once and for all.” 

Mikey pulled into the dark park. “Uh, the park is dangerous after sundown. You two know that, don't you?” Gerard asked with a panicky voice. I squeezed his hand and replied back, “Yeah. Some people have no idea how dangerous it's going to be tonight.” Gerard asked me what that meant. I asked him if he trusted me. He said of course. So I said, “okay. I'm asking you to trust me now. Will you come with me?” Gerard looked me eye to eye like he was drawing strength from me and then he simply nodded again. 

All three of us got out of the car and walked past the abandoned playground. I led the way with Gerard clinging to my arm. I'm pretty sure he had some idea why we were there. When we reached the spot I had agreed to meet at, I felt my blood trying to boil. That asshole said he just wanted to talk, but it was obvious he had more in mind than talking. It was absolutely isolated from anything. I'm willing to bet he had planned to rape Gerard again. Or kill him. 

In that moment, I was glad Mikey and I hatched this little scheme. I doubt Gerard would have ever agreed to meet up with him, but the whole idea that this predator was out there gunning for the man I love… Oh my god, Journal, it was all I could do to stay calm outwardly. I was so beyond pissed! 

I turned to Gerard and told him again I needed him to trust me. I said, “Mikes and I have your back, and we aren't going to let anything happen to you, I swear. I will die before that happens, okay?” Gerard said we were scaring him and he wanted to know what was going on, so I simply told him Bert would be here any minute. 

Immediately Gerard went white, and tears flooded his eyes threatening to spill down his face. I asked him, “Do you trust me, Gerard?” He nodded he did, the movement knocking a tear loose. I wiped it away and then kissed him. There was movement behind me and then a voice I didn't recognize. 

“Aw, how sweet. I see you brought backup, G boy. That was very wrong. You know I'm going to punish you for that.” Gerard shrank into a shadow behind me. 

I saw red. Did that bastard really just say that?! I spun around and shoved a finger in his face, shouting, “The only person getting punished tonight is you!” He laughed. “Are you his new owner? You're a little firecracker, aren't you? So how did I do? Does he behave for you better than he did for me?” Seriously, Journal, the guy had some nerve. And my fist in his face. I literally hauled off and hit him right in the mouth. 

He stumbled backwards, wiping blood from his lower lip. Mikey jumped in then. “You are never, and I do mean never, going to contact him again. Am I clear?”

This asshole squared off with Mikey, eyeing him up and down while asking Gerard, “Really? You're going to send your little brother and your new faggot to fight your battles for you now?” This time Mikey fucked him up. Mikey hit him twice in the eye. 

The bastard went after Gerard then, but Mikey and I got between them. He sneered and tried to swing at me. After that, he ate dirt. I put him down hard and climbed over him. I hit him until his face was a bloody mess. The whole time I told him that HE is the worthless piece of shit, that HE should be the one being taught how to behave, that HE should be the one broken and scarred from years of abuse. Mikey was kicking him to punctuate my words. 

But we got what we wanted. The asshole finally choked on a tooth I knocked out, and then he started begging us to stop, making promises to never bother Gerard ever again, swearing he'd apologize, anything just name it. 

I stood back up and turned to Gerard. Gerard looked petrified, his eyes wide and breathing heavily. Mikey kicked the asshole a few times to keep him down while I talked to Gerard, putting the last of our plan into action. I told him, “this is your chance. You can do whatever you want to him, Gerard. Mikey and I are right here, we have your back.” 

Gerard looked at my bloody hands, Mikey, and then to his ex. Tears ran down his face, but determination was written all over his face. He walked over and jerked Bert up by his shirt. He pulled back his fist, and then Gerard, my beautiful Gerard, did something I never saw coming. 

Bert looked up as best he could at Gerard, and through split, bleeding, swollen lips, he said, “I'm sorry. Please don't, Gerard.” Gerard stood for a moment longer with his fist balled tight before lowering it. Gerard said, “You don't have power over me anymore, Bert. When I was begging you to stop, all I wanted was a tiny bit of mercy. I'm giving you the mercy you never once gave me.” With that Gerard dropped him back to the earth and walked away. 

I followed him to make sure he was okay while Mikey stayed to make sure that mother fucker understood we'd beat his ass again and again until the message sank in crystal clear. 

I just let Gerard walk a few steps ahead of me back to the car. Just letting him have some space. As soon as we hit the parking lot, Gerard spun and laid the deepest kiss on me. It wasn't a sex kiss either. It was like he was finally free after a long captivity. When he broke the kiss, he looked me in the eyes and simply said, “I love you.” 

And that was that. Everyone slept like babies last night. Honestly, Journal, it's the best sleep I've ever seen Gerard get. And I know because I spent half the night just watching him with the most peaceful face anyone can ever have. 

Now I have to ice my hand because I have a show to play on Tuesday. Talk to you later!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate asking for comments, but I need to know what you guys are thinking about this chapter. If few people even care, I can bring this to an end soon, or I can keep running with it. Please let me know what you think and if you'd like this to end soon or keep going, whether that be here or Twitter or wherever.
> 
> My love to all!  
> xo Miz


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